Gadhnier Fultooskis

Gadhnier Fultooskis :- Gone are the days when we could spare a moment to oil our hair. Or shampoo it. Or use a conditioner. Or soap our bodies while showering. Or brush our teeth. Or use mouthwash . Or a moisturizer . Or apply fariness creams. Life has become so hectic, that we barely have time to do one, leave alone the rest. With this in mind, the legendary Gadhnier have come up with the new and improved, all in one, Fultooskis . All one needs to do, is pour one cap full of it over one's head. And then, magic happens. The super charged nanomites contained in this fine product take care of you, from scalp to sole, and that too in a few seconds.Cleaning, massaging, oiling, shampooing, fairnessing, brushing, washing, and moisturizing every thing. Literally. So throw out the dozen or so bottles of junk on your shelf , and bring home the Fultooskis . Take care .

Bhaartiya Naari

It is 2111 AD. India is the largest economy in the world. It is also the most populous nation, overtaking China decades ago. But, sadly the sex ratio is skewed beyond imagination. There are now only 100 women to every 1000 men. Even though 25% of men are homosexuals and legally married to another 25% of them, that still leaves around 400 men desperate for a mate,  for every 1000 of them. To cater to this huge market, Manav Technologies,  a Bio-engineering firm, has come up with a revolutionary product, engineered to perfection, designed to satisfy the Indian male. 

In a huge auditorium, in front of 500,000 eagerly anticipating men, the CEO and founder of Manav Technologies, Mr. Manav Chandra Parameshwar, unveils a product even Apple would be envious of. They have already booked 50 million pre orders for it. 

MCP : Gentlemen. Tonight, is the night. Your wait is over. I apologize for the delay, but you can’t come up with a product like this that easily. 

(The crowd goes wild, cheers enthusiastically)

MCP : I give you, the “Bhaartiya Naari” !

( 3 BN’s walk on the ramp . They look like supermodels. The guys go crazy ) 

MCP : Now now, gentlemen. Calm down. I know you all want to play, but will you have to wait for your BN’s. I know you did not have to wait long for your iPad, but this is way better than any tablet, or gadget you know.

( As the crowd subsides, the stage is prepared for a QNA . Journalists from all leading media houses get ready to shower the CEO with questions )

Journalist : You say that the BN is better any gadget, can you tell us why?

MCP: (Sniggers) That is a very obvious question. Does she look like any gadget to you, although we do plan to market the BN as one ( winks, and laughs at his own joke) . These ( pointing to the 3 BN’s who haven’t stopped smiling ) are living breathing human beings. But they have been engineered to be what most Indian men want her to be. She can talk. She can cook. She can jump into the bed whenever you want her to. She can think to a level decided by you. She can clean, sew and do a host of other things. And the best part is , she can’t nag, whine or cry, ever. How great is that?

(The crowd gasps. The journalist shuts his gaping mouth after a few seconds)

Journalist : That is incredible Sir, if what you claim is right. Tell me more. Why are the 3 women so fair? Don’t you have any models in darker shades?

MCP : (Laughs out loudly) Which country are you from Sir? 

( The crowd laughs at the joke)

We are currently offering 3 skin shades that is fair, Kashmiri fair and Caucasian fair. We absolutely do NOT cater to the market seeking wheatish or brown skin tones. And there is NO market for any darker shades. One huge advantage of our product is that their fairness level never falls throughought their lifetime. So there goes the expense of applying fair creams and lotions.

( A collective sigh of relief is heard ) 

 Journalist (a little fazed) : Can the models be of any desired height? What about hair color and length? 

MCP : The dream woman comes in 3 standard heights , 5’2 , 5’4 and 5’6 , given the average Indian male is 5’6’’ tall and has a fragile ego. For the unusually tall men, taller models can be availed at a request for customization. We offer many different shades of hair colors, but only 3 different kinds of hair lengths. We have designed the hair in a way that won’t need any shampoos or conditioners and will be strong and shiny forever. So there goes the need for shampoos and conditioners. Is the BN a money saver or what? 

(The crowd cheers, again) 

Also, the hair lengths have deliberately kept long, the shortest being a feet long, so that you can grab her by the hair easily and land her a few juicy ones whenever you are frustrated. We do try and cater to all the needs of our customers, you know. 

(The crowd gasps in amazement , and then cheers )

 Journalist: About the last part, Sir. How abuse resistant is the model? How much can she take?

 MCP: Oh, don’t you worry about that. You can kick, slap and punch as much as you want. Remember I told you she can’t cry, whine or nag. Well, she can’t a file a complaint either. Remember Assimov’s law for Robots( and winks again) . More importantly, these domestic abuse laws are applicable on real women, not genetically engineered ones. (Laughs, and so does the crowd) Well, if you are too rough on her and she does get a little bent or out of shape, just send her to our service stations and we will fix her up in no time. In fact, the first 3 are absolutely free. 

(The crowd cheers, and claps)

Journalist: What other great features does the BN have ?

MCP: Oh many. One cool feature is that the BN is programmable. You can program her to carry out your instructions to the letter. And no, you don’t need to learn Java or C++, even though half the country already knows it. You can program the BN using voice instructions. Say, you want your BN to take your bag when you are back from work, get you out of your work clothes, get you in your casual wear, give you a chilled beer and snacks, switch on the TV for you and massage your feet while you watch it, you just need to say so, in the language you speak. As in, “ every day, after I come from work, do so and so” . You see, it is so simple. We pride ourself on the user friendliness of our product.

Journalist : You claim that the BN is a human, a female? Is it capable of reproduction? 

MCP : She is as female as one can get, designed for red blooded male ( and winks ) As far as reproduction is concerned, the BN does better than that. It is not just capable of reproduction, it has been designed for selective reproduction. I mean, who the hell wants a woman who gives birth to children of both sexes? ( The crowd laughs) If that were the case, Thailand would not have built its economy on those baby boy labs. The BN is a boys only mother. Let me explain how it works. 

When you get a BN, a tubectomy is performed on it before it is delivered to you. So that you don’t have to bother with a condom every time you have sex. The BN does not have a normal menstrual cycle. For all practical purposes , it is turned off. The hormone level stays uniform, preventing any discomfort to you that could have been caused otherwise. When you are ready to bring your heir on Earth, just send the BN to our service stations, where we activate the procreative function. Now that she is ready to receive your blessed seed, just keep doing what you usually do. If and when , a female foetus is formed, it is auto aborted, and you won’t even have to hear or worry about it. In time, you will be proud father of a boy. Isn’t that genius? Now, nobody can blame you for not fathering a son!

Journalist: (Eyes wide open) But how is that possible? This is unbelievable!

MCP : ( Laughs condescendingly ) Why don’t we just give you the complete design of the BN? Then you can figure it all out. 

(Laughs , and the crowd goes crazy ) 

Journalist : ( Pretending to be unfazed ) So what else can the BN do ? 

MCP : Well, she knows cooking, cleaning, knitting, sewing etc. She can take care of the children and the elderly with ease. She can walk your dog and do your laundry. And she is well versed in Vatsayana’s legendary book. Guaranteed satisfaction. 

( Thunderous applause from the crowd ) 

And, when you get tired and bored of your old model, she can be exchanged for a brand new one. 

( Standing ovation for the CEO , people are clapping without a pause ) 

MCP : ( Trying to look modest, but can’t stop grinning like an ape ) That’s all Gentlemen. We have tried our best to satiate your ego. We look forward to your feedback. Enjoy the Bhartiya Naari. 

( When the dust finally settled 2 men, talking amongst themselves, as they leave the auditorium. )

Guy 1 : Wow. Manav Tech has finally accomplished what Men have been attempting throughout human history, the total objectification of women. Seriously, this guy has done a great service to Man kind. He should be given a Bharat Ratna. I can’t wait till I get mine. 

 Guy 2 : You Lucky bugger! What do I do? I am stuck with that whore, my not-perfect-at-all human wife. How the hell do I get rid of her, and get a BN of my own? But seriously, I second you. Three cheers to Mr. MCP. He is my new role model . 

Guy 1 : Why don’t you try for a job in Manav Tech? You have years of product testing experience, don’t you? And just imagine, the different ways in which you get to test the BN, if you know what I mean . 

( And the two men laugh boisterously )

p.s. This is a satire, just in case some one missed that. 

Get an Idea

Me : Hi Abhishek
AB : Hi Kislay
Me : Say, I watched your latest flick (KHJJS) , and I was a little disappointed .
AB : Any idea why ?
Me : Ha ! Plenty . I could not make my peace with the over benaglification of words . I could not understand why the romantic twist had to be added . And once I picked up the book, Do and die, your entire character , with whom I was not totally convinced to begin with, fell apart.
AB : *sheepish*
Me : Never mind . How is the Big B ?
AB : He is fine
Me : I hope Mrs. Jaya and Mrs. Ash are well too.
AB : They are , thanks for asking .
Me : If you don't mind, I had a rather impertinent question to ask of you .
AB : Go ahead 
Me : Would you agree that your father is a Legend ?
AB : Yeah . Duh . What kind of a question is that ?
Me : Pardon me . Would you agree that even your mother kicked serious ass when it came to acting ?
AB : Of course . She rocked .
Me : And your wife, the wondrous Miss Aishwarya has also established herself as quite an actress , right ?
AB : What do you mean by "established herself" ?
Me : Well, she was a model. No offence intended but it did take her a while to get the hang of it. Even though I don't like the way she giggles , I think she can be counted as an actress now.
AB : *Looking a little worked up, grunts* Hmmm
Me : Please, I beg your forgiveness, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, and I did point out that the question was impertinent . 
AB : *Sighing impatiently* But what the hell is the Question ? You have asked 3 so far . And you already had the answers .
KC : Well....., Hmmm...... , how do I put it ? Ahem ......... Okay ..... Do you have any idea why 3 out of the 4 members of your happy family consists of 2 great and 1 good actors? Do you have any idea about why they are able to convince the audience ? I mean, do you know why they click as actors ?
AB : *With the contorted facial expression of I-am-trying-to-solve-a-partial-differentiation-equation-in-my-head *

17 minutes later

Me :Well ?
AB : Errr....... Hmmmmm ....... This one is a thinker. What makes an actor click ?
Me : If I wanted to know what made an actor click , I would have gone to FTII Pune. Tell me why do your parents and wife click ?
AB : * After scratching his head for a while* I am not saying this is my final answer, though it would have helped if this question could be rephrased in the form of an MCQ .........
Me : Whoa . Whoa . Dude . KBC is over . Relax , huh ? Give me it .


13 minutes later


AB : *Dejectedly* No idea
Me : *With jaws dropping and eyes popping* Really ? NO IDEA ! NO BLOODY IDEA ! WTF ! I will be damned !
AB :Eh ?
Me : Cheerio ! * And starts exiting cautiously , while AB is back in regurgitation mode*

A few minutes later, I heard the shouts of AB, in indignation, imploring me to come back, shaking his fists in the air. "Run faster" , was the Idea that my brain came up with. And I did.


p.s. Totally fictitious, a figment of my twisted imagination. Do I even have to say that ? And just in case somebody did not notice, it is partially inspired by the latest Idea ad campaign in which AB is asking everyone to "Get Idea" . 

Kislay Calling Kislay

Hi Kislay ,

This is Kislay . You might think 0f it as weird , that Kislay is calling you . And why ? Because aren't you Kislay ? So who the hell is this other Kislay . Well , you know what Quantum Mechanics says , that The Universe is one GOOGLE-ish number of possibilities , and I am one just one of them . To simplify things , you may assume that you chanced upon a futuristic time capsule . Anyways , here is the story .

If you continue doing what you are doing right now , then in some time you are going to end up in a Big Reality TV Show . You know , where in order to achieve the Honour of being the 'Hapest Aind Hapining' , you will have to make 3 pairs of shoes of crocodile leather by hunting 7 ferocious crocodiles , win over Laetitia Casta and Monica Bellucci as well , become the President of your dumb ass Housing Society , Do an Item Number with 6 pack FLABS , Act in a Saas Bahu soap for 7 days ( more than that would critically devastate your psyche , 1 month would wipe the very trace of an alert and aware Consciousness from you , Beware ) , And yes , the one of the prime importance , swear as much as you can , that your words are basically construed as one incoherent string of bleeps and bloops . Kind of like , Bleep bleep is such a bleeping bleepy bleep , by Bleep ! Bleep ! Bleep ! :D

And by the way , you will also change your fairness cream . For nowadays , the World and their husbands including grand parents and children , they all bleeping bleep use , the Plasma of Life . This is not your ordinary , two bit , mutation inducing cream , that will alter your genes to become a Melanine free cancer prone version of a Caucasian in just 93.62 bleeping hours ( Not that all Caucasians are cancer prone ) , but it is one which even God uses while he goes tanning( Essentially proving that God is white , ergo he needs a fashionable tan :P ) . It is a God Tanned Cream ! More about it later .

And yes, you will also start dressing like an English Man . For Bhura Indian Research Institute has just declared , breaking news style , that for the diverse Indian weather , the only one complete range of suitable apparel for it is what the English wear ( Technically , any white person would do ) . So get your homburg and tweed and Italian hand crafted shoes ready chappie , jaldi karo .

And one very very important thing . Now you are no longer single . Well , actually you our are not even a couple dude , or a triple , or any number in the vicinity , for your life changed . You are the proud Master of some 7272 women . And all of that happened when you started using Axe , wearing Armani , applying Fair and Handsome , brushing your teeth using Close Up , painting your house with Asian Paint , wearing Macro Man's , using Naughty Rabbit shaving foam, and finally , when you built your home using a bleeping HDFC home loan , with, JK Cement . This became possible through the boundless efforts of Biologists and Statisticians , who conclusively proved that Men think the best , when their blood is somewhere else , which inspired diabolically Genius Marketing Executives to come with all these awe inspiring sex life changing products ( in some cases , they alter sexual preferences ) . Therefore , all men now have not even an iota of any inhibition , run after beautiful women/men all the time . Ah , Finally simpler times . :) My Male Chest is Puffed , with pride . :)

So you understand Kislay , that if you continue to be the over thinking over analysing , as Tool says , and a fool of the first water , as Wodehouse very nicely puts , the future holds all these nice things for you . And listen you nincompoop . I can't get to you if you don't use Vodafone , I don't trust the others . And if possible , use a mid-to-high end Nokia set with 3 G and Wire Less capability . It puts a lot less strain on me , considering that I am a kind of an astral being mate . So take a chill pill , ok ?

And one very important last thing . Sorry for dragging it on yaar . You absolutely must give up Mik and Milk Products , and live soley on Diet Soda and TGIF Cocktails . All that paneer, milk , cheese , curd and shakes your fat behind and rotund tummy feasted on has made me Lactose Intolerant . It is against the law now to break wind , neither in public , nor in private , thanks to exceptional sociological and sociopathic brilliance of the Indian Moral Police Force . Seriously , Kislay , you need to get a grip on just this one tiny little problem of yours . The rest is a smooth sail . And btw , don't squeal it to your room mate .

So do as I say . I will be calling regularly to check on you . Pay your bleep-damned bleeping bills on time .

Cheerio

Kislay ( v4.22+e26FF )

My sentiments have been hurt

Christians in Ferozepur violently protest against the use of napkins with a Cross on it .

Hindu priests are mad at Vishal Bhardwaj , for in his latest movie Kaminey , there is scene in which "Apna haath jaganaath" is written on a door, with a picture of a scantily clad girl next to it . It hurt their religious sentiment .


My sentiments have been hurt as well

I would like a ban on Khuswant Singh and all his books, specially The Company of Women . Why ? How dare you ask me ? Is it not enough that he was written a story about a man who just doing it, left, right and center ? I mean, what about my culture ? Promoting promiscuity, is what it is. But if that is not good enough for you, I will give you one concrete reason. The name of the character, the guy who has sex with so many woman and ultimately dies of AIDS, is Mohan Kumar. You still don't get it ? . Mohan is one of the names of our Lord and Saviour, Shree Krishna. Khushwant Singh , has taken a shot at an avtaar of the Vishnu, the Preserver, and this is not acceptable under any circumstances. I want a ban ! My sentiments have been hurt! So what if I read the book 3 years ago ? It took me some time to realize that his book actually intended to hurt Hindu sentiments. But better late than never. So give me my ban, or else you know what happens.



And this was a teaser . What follows , is the movie .


I have decided to protest against all of humanity for desecrating two of my Gods , namely Vayu , the Lord of Winds and Varuna , the God of Oceans . Humanity , on a daily basis uses air and water , the way they want , and more often than not, they end up polluting it . We ingest air and water , we release it out of our system through the process of excretion , we spit , gargle and break wind . Our cars and our factories pollute. We pollute it when we smoke. We pollute when we are done with our morning ablutions. It is all so insulting and derogatory . It is desecration. It is absolute blasphemy . Therefore, I want a ban on the use of air and water , by humans . Every time, when I see some one wash his dirty hands with water, or hear some one burp loudly after a heavy meal, it makes my blood boil. My religious sentiments have been hurt, and I want this ban to be imposed asap..I am a citizen of secular and democratic republic, and justice can not be denied unto me. I rest my case . And mind you, I chose just two. If I had done my research properly, I am pretty sure the list would have been much longer.


By the way , my sentiments were NOT at all hurt when a 10 year old girl was beaten black and blue, and burned by a TV actress . I mean, who cares. Why the fuck should any one care ? Does it say anywhere in any holy book, explicitly , that “Soap opera stars can not hire 10 year old girls as maids and not hit them or burn them if they are caught eating” ? Does it ? Nope, I don't think so .



I know, I know. Another satire. But what can I do, when life around me appears as a big joke? I promise the next post will definitely not be a satire, unless, Behenji decides to have a swayamvar of her own.

p.s. Is there a God of Trees and WildLife in Hinduism ? Cause my religious sentiments have been hurt that way as well !

Miss Universe

And the new Miss Universe is, hold you breath, and wait for it, Miss India . Hell yeah, sadi chori , Ekta Chaudhary , from India . And a nation of 1.2 Billion erupts with joy . News channel go crazy . Sarkha, Turedesai and their ilk go berserk . PFBS(People full of BS , i.e. Bhartiya Sanskriti) are ecstatic , as they will be invited to dozens of debates hosted by pompous TV anchors , where the topic would be  - "The intricate relationship between Beauty Pageants and Indian Culture and their effects ( ill and otherwise) on the Socio Economic factors contributing to the stability of Modern Indian Society" . Indra Dev is pleased . He is wondering how to woo this apsara to convince her to join his entourage . And it starts raining , ending the drought in parts of our country . Swine Flu patients bounce back to health , as the sudden patriotic surge gave their immunity a much needed boost . A visibly humiliated China, whose contestant could not even make it to the semi final round , drops its plans to surround India with naval bases , and instead , sends a request to the Indian Embassy requesting assistance in increasing the per capita Beauty Quotient . The top brass of the country's most popular brand of fairness cream, The Fair and The Idiot , are gleefully rubbing their hands, their sales sky rocketed , in just one night . "Super Blogger" Kislay, with tissues in his left hand, tears of joy in his both eyes,furiously starts typing with his right hand, composing a 7628 word long post, on how this inspiring moment is going down in the annals of History, and how will it the change the course India takes. Annu Bhai is listening to Iron Maiden , for the movie that will be soon coming out starring the new Miss Universe , needs to have a heavy metal inspired background score , so said KJo  to him . Himesh Bhau gets the encouragement and inspiration he was looking for, to contest in Mr. Universe. The grandiose members of the grand old party of India, congratulate each other , Sonia jee and Rahul jee, and stake a claim , in this awe inspiring achievement by a fellow Indian . The media is a little stumped, as to how can they can they label this victory , as one of Secularism over Saffron Fascism , and taunt the BJP . But wait , they are in a mess of their own right now, so let them stew in it for a while. And little and not-so-little girls all over the country , start using cosmetics , think about designer dresses , and practice their "look of utter bewilderment when they are crowned" , as they dream of becoming Miss Muzzaffarnagar Municipality -> Miss Tiruvanathapuram ->Miss Chhattisgarh -> Miss Rupa(Briefs&Vests) India -> Miss Universe(Only for Planet Earth) ! So that , one day , when the country is struggling , and battling as usual , for its existence , they will solve all its problems , by winning a beauty pageant. At least for a while .

So you can imagine how devastated and heart broken I was , when a bored friend casually mentioned that Miss Venezuela ( or did I see it in the daily rag I subscribe to ? ) won the contest . Never mind . We will win it the next year , when our beloved brothers from across the border will be back in action , after a reinvigorating vacation ( courtesy , the GoI ) , and start bombing the shit out of us . Yep . I think so . What do you think ?





p.s. A possible outcome of the Miss Universe/World/Earth/India/Nukkad/Mauhalla/Khet/Khalihan/Municipality contests – I assume that all of these bright and beautiful ladies do wish for “World Peace” . Well, the Gods in the heavens above , might grant them their wish , if they asked for it just after the swim suit round . I would , if I was God . No kidding ! And I bet the soul of Alfred Nobel must be wondering “ Did I miss out on something ? I mean , Math was not practical enough for a prize , but Beauty ? Hmmm . I hope the dudes in charge of my moolah think of this soon enough and introduce a Nobel Beauty Prize . It would shoot the TRP of the ceremony as well , if its aired ” .




p.p.s. No disrespect intended towards the lady who represented India . The satire is directed at everything but her .

Mad World

A tall dark and handsome man entered the room. He was musing over his dark complexion, regretting that he never ever applied the skin whitening cream in his youth. His eyes went up to the bent figure sitting , or rather slumped over the chair. The prisoner looked up, cringed, and cursed himself. “Why the hell did I not take my daily dose of Parle G. I would have been out these shackles by now. But I, like a total moron, had to fall for the coke-ke-saath-dost free crap. And that blunder made me forget about my super-power biscuit.”,he thought. His eyes caught his would be tormentor’s glare. He shivered in fright, those cold eyes froze your soul. He had been trained well, even to bear the harshest of the tortures. He even had his macro-man vest on. But he wondered whether he would be able to fend off this fiend’s attempts. The tormentor switched on the TV. “May be , they are going to give me a test of some sorts”. The colors came on. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness of TV, he started feeling an increasing sensation of numbness. And then it hit him, like a blitzkrieg, and he was fading away. The last word he heard was “Jai Shree Krishna Baa………”.

He was in a semi-comatose state. He had this weird nightmare, in flashes of, pasty faced over made up woman, dressed in expensive sarees. There were a lot of families involved. And almost all of them looked the same age , he couldn’t make out mother form daughter. He passed out again.

He came to his senses. His head felt heavy. He tried grapple with the situation. It took him a while to recall the events before the black out. It seemed that he had a memory loss of some sorts. He retched. His vision was blurry . It took him some effort to open his eyes. The TV was still on . Some young people were arguing with each other on this show. He couldn't make out half of what he said, the other half was beeped. As he watched more and more of it, the dull throbbing which had started in his head, turned into a splitting head-ache. He tried to figure out what was going on . Even in his own mentally disheveled state, he could figure out that a bunch of demented but stylish young men and women were involved in some extremely imbecilic and asinine acts , which obviously did not involve the use of one's brain. 10 minutes into the show, the prisoner just collapsed . His captor grinned, his teeth shining out . He was a Colgate man, and never missed to brush his teeth with the best Oral care had to offer, certified by dentists all over. He was wondering whether to bunk this interrogation session or not, as he nursed a bottle of Fanta in his hand. His techniques were not working, so far the prisoner had just drifted in and out, and showed no signs of surrender . “Eh”, he said,” Let's wait a while, and while I am waiting, I can help some poor villager get some power”. With these words, he turned on his new Voltas AC. As the AC started regurgitating power, he fell into a reverie . He wondered whether to buy some vaseline body lotion for his teenaged daughter. He wanted her to be a better tennis player, and so far , actually working on playing better tennis had not helped her. His son was still hopeless. Even the liberal doses of Mentos didn't help him pass a single subject. He wondered why every product he had ever used never worked as the advertisement promised it would . Perplexed, and tired, he fell asleep.

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To be continued , whenever I can garner some patience, better words and enough exasperation as a result of watching incredibly dumb advertisements, news anchors, and glimpses of TV shows . Par aap dekhna mat bhoolna , “Rakhee Sawant ka Swayamvar” . And if I were the producer of that show, I would introduce two new rounds to this kickass(so bad , that you want to kick your own butt) modern day “real life” drama .

1.So dumb that you should die round – This will be offered to the contestants . I would approach them personally , and offer them a desert eagle with enough bullets to end their existence , as they chose to be on of the suitors. It is not Rakhee , it is more so because this nautanki will be aired on TV , and they have no qualms about it .

2.Everyone-should-get-a-second-chance-and-die-now-or-die-painfully-later-round – This will be offered to the winner . The lucky man , will be asked to end it right here, right now, before he actually gets married . Since this man refused the first offer, this time, I will offer him a sword or a long dagger , as he deserves to die a slightly painful death, for humiliating himself.


I must add, that though I am not a fan of Ms. Sawant , I think she has guts. And the satire was directed more at the audience willing to gobble up Grade A Horse Shit like this, and then asking for more.I am not calling for a ban on shows like these . I hate them , it is my personal view , and obviously I don't watch it . But what is more infuriating , and dumber , is the debates on whether shows like these should be aired in India or not . There was one going on the yesterday, on some we-are-the-only-credible-source-and-we-are-so-full-of-ourselves English news channel . Pooja Bedi was one of the debaters . Mahajan Junior another . And the most important and the most intelligent one, according to yours truly was a guy , who was , I guess the representative of the PFBS , i.e People Full of BS , i.e Bhartiya Sanskriti . I don't want to write down everything he said or why I disagree with it . Just one would be enough . He said "Humare yahan , jab koi aurat pregnant hoti hai , to hum yeh nahi kehte ki woh pet se hai , hum yeh kehte hain ki uska paanv bhari hai . Yeh hai Bhartiya Sanskirit " . I was stumped after hearing this . I mean , how is it the term used to describe a woman who is carrying a new life related to Bhartiya Sanskriti ? I mean , WTF . Am I an idiot that I don't get it ? Do you get it ? What was he trying to say ? I still don't get it . Please , for the love of BS , tell me . And Pooja Bedi was in hysterics .

One last thought . The way things are , please do not feel surprised if one fine day , the ignoranuses(ignorant assholes) who debate on such stupid topics , make an issue out of Western style toilets . They might come up with something like - "As a western toilet is too comfortable for ablutions , it makes the Common Indian Man/Woman forget , that he/she has to struggle everyday for existence , and so is against the ethos of Bhartiya Sanskriti " , or words to that effect . Or , if not this , then something worse than this , which would be - "Woman should not be allowed to use Western toilets , as the seat is on a higher level compared to the desi one . And , as men are inherently superior to woman , only they should be allowed to relieve themselves comfortable , and from a higher plane " , or some more BS to that effect . You think I am crazy , huh ? Wait for the day .

After all, it is a Mad World .

Jilted Lovers II

Ladies and Gentle Bloggers , Jilted Lovers is back , courtesy some of my female friends . I must say , had I been at the receiving end of these incredible messages , I would have considered castration or a sex change operation .

Lower your IQ , loosen you belt , and laugh out loud ! My comments in italics . :)

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hiiii...can be frndzzz do cre to rply...!!!

This guy appears as: I WaNt 2 C MiNe DeATh CerTiFiCaTe:) . I think he needs to see a certificate assuring us of his sound mental health .


Hiii... i i m also a b.tech student in gzb. may v frenzzz...

If only all single and desperate to mingle B.Tech students from the IIT's and the NIT's could use this , life would would be a lot rosier for them .

Hi may i frndshp with u

First you mental-checkup-with-loony-doctor .


hi im .. jst cmpltd Msc, wrking fr a s/w cmpny jst saw ur profile yar its interesting... wanna hav friendship with u.. if willing pl reply...

Screw you , I no longer "do friendship" with Software Engineers . Your market value has crashed . Contact me after 2014 , when the Recession is over .

Hi.i cant ask u to b my frend as u know nothing about me.but wud like to talk to u if u dnt mind as i m also frm aligarh n now working in bangalore

I can be a fiend to you , and to all the other losers from Loony-garh working in Bangalore .

well about me i m n i m from Lucknow and and and i have done my Mass Comm from Aligarh Muslim University and i stay at Bangalore and i like mind
ice-cream with cery and i love my cat, and bla bla bla and n urs like n dislike...! n u r college

He likes “mind ice-cream with cery” ! Very scary . Any relation to Dr. Hannibal Lecter ? And how did he end up at AMU ? He did not learn to communicate with a single person , leave alone the masses . He sounds like a total jackass to me . I wish he gets hired by NDTV or CNN-IBN .


This is Chandan ..Working in Air Force...Looking 4 a Sweet friend...So if u wana interested to fly on the wings of friendship Wid me.....get ready den...I am
ready to take off now......

If you friendship is anything like the MiG's , fly solo .

Very soon, i will at bangalore............

You will what , crash land ?

plz do reply ..Waiting for ur positive response...bye...take care

Here is my response > + respone ! :P


This the gem , the master piece , the best and the brightest of the lot -

AND 1 THING FOR GALS PLZZ...
never think dat i m d type of guy(like oders)who likes 2 talk 2 every gal only bcoz of d reason dat she is a gal....i realy respect gud gals a lot..but today
most of d gals do not understand d diference b/w becoming a modern gal n a vulgar gal.....so if u r a gud gal den u r most welcome..if not, den stay away 4m
me as i just cant tolerate such shameless gals..(so such gals... dnt send me a frend request..it wil never b accepted).....so only dose gals(strangers) wil b
geting frend request from my side who seems 2 b gud....dont take me in wrong way....i know how 2 behave wid gals..but 1st become such dat i feel proud 2 say
dat i have a frend who deserves 2 b call a GIRL. now ur wish.......sorry if i hurt anyone....(i know most of d gals wnt like al dis n wil not talk 2 me bcoz
of al dat stuff writen dere....but i also know wat type of gals dose wud b...so it dnst effect me..as i realy luv being hated by such gals..)

Boy oh Boy ! I am stumped . His audacity ! The stink of MCP-ness coming from him . He loves to be hated by "vulgar gals" . He wants "good gals" in his good books, so that he can be proud of them . Is he a member of the SRS ? I think the PCC should be re-launched just to smother him with pink panties .

hiiiiii can u add me ass frdf????????????

How honest of him ! He accepts that he is an ass . "me - ass" !

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

""friendly 4u"" (_sexy4u@yahoo.com)

He is friendly . He is sexy . And the extra i's in his Hi account for the number of incompetent idiots he is worth . The number of exclamation marks are the
number of times he was hit on the head with a big fat stick , by some well wisher of his , to knock some sense into him . Did it help ?

"can't we be frnds kya yaar plzz do let me know abut this plzzz

hi hw r u doing?hey can't we be frnds yaar plzz do reply me........will wait for ur reply.

hi hw r u doing?????????can we be frnds????????"

He had been poisoned . The anti-dote to the poison is a chemical called stupidomorphin , which is released when he sends friend requests to random girls . The more loserish he sounds , the more chemicals his body secretes , the longer he lives . Inspired from Crank .


hi dear..new n orkut.......welcum buddy...........!!!!!!!!!!!!

His handle was PJ . He has been appointed as the HR/PR/Liaison officer for Orkut , to welcome new members and make them feel welcome . It would be shame of
somebody was friendless even after joining a social networking website , wouldn't it ?

serial kisser - photography is my passion

Yes , his handle is serial kisser ! Need I say more ?

hi friend how r u aur batao kaisi ho aur kya kar rahi ho

Your friend is cursing the day she decided to join this particular social networking website .


hiiiiiiiiii can we be friends

This message was sent by “i am alone... want to be alone”. He is alone , no surprises there . And he wants to be alone, then why does he need friends ?


The Hot chocolate boy

He thinks his handle makes him hot and a boy with chocolatey looks . I think it can also mean a hot chocolate – boy , bole to , one who serves or sells hot chocolate . I bet he didn't think of that .

can v b afrnd?

No comments here

When you are feeling all alone Down-hearted, sad and blue,And you think that there's just no one

Actually , I thought there are no more fools like you , the Universe must have run out of your kind . But I was wrong . And that is why I am blue, sad and down hearted . Alone , waiting for intelligent life on Orkut .

Black Box of Secularism

I mentioned something called a BBS in this post, The Case for our next PM . So here it goes , the BS about a BBS !

Black box is a technical term for a device, system or object when it is viewed in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge required of its internal workings. Almost anything might occasionally be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, humans, the Internet, the way political parties in India function and interpret Secularism (I added the last one). The opposite of a black box is a system where the inner components or logic are available for inspection (such as a free software/open source program), which is sometimes known as a white box, a glass box, or a clear box.

Secularism is the assertion that governmental practices or institutions should exist separately from religion and/or religious beliefs. In one sense, secularism may assert the right to be free from religious rule and teachings, and freedom from the government imposition of religion upon the people, within a state that is neutral on matters of belief, and gives no state privileges or subsidies to religions. In another sense, it refers to the view that human activities and decisions, especially political ones, should be based on evidence and fact unbiased by religious influence.

So why is the BBS, a black box? Well, it says it is secular, but you don't know what the hell is going on inside. You expect it to be secular in all contexts and in all the four dimensions, but it chooses its environment selectively. You expect it to be secular, the way secularism is defined, but it follows its own pattern, as if a very highly evolved AI controls it. Unlike the communal forces of India, who are openly communal, it is mystery as to how those who claim to be secular are so? As I said, you don’t know what goes inside the bloody black box. You are not supposed to know. The result is computed on the basis of the input. You have to kill your curiosity about how was it actually computed, and be content with the result.

Being black, it absorbs all the negative communal energy and radiates positive secular energy. The BBS is incredibly effective in blocking out saffron rays. Say, you are getting irritated by the pakhandi baba who is preaching about the benefits of sanyas, perched on a plush cushion in an air-conditioned room, just take out the mini black box. First it will drain the colour out of his robes, and subsequently, his energy. But we must tell you, the designers of this black box were targeting a specific kind of communal crowd. This device absorbs the harmful communal energy emanated by the Saffron brigade only. So if any you thought that air dropping thousands of these over Pakistan or Afghanistan would be the perfect solution, BOO HOO, it is NOT. And neither will it work on the Khalistanis or the aggressively proselytizing Missionaries.

As some we buffoons in the software industry say, “In God we trust, everything else we test”. Even this ingenious device was tested exhaustively, after the development of the first prototype. It was tested on one of the popular leaders of Uttar Pradesh who is, or rather was a key conspirator in the Babri Masjid demolition. To assess its actual effectiveness, it was done without his active knowledge, and lo-and-behold, he turned secular. He switched from a clearly communal party to an absolutely secular party. It was the single-most greatest moment for the Scientists who worked on this project. There have been numerous other success stories as well. One recent incident involved the questioning the circumstances of the death of a super cop, and giving it a Hindutva angle. In this case, certain political leaders, political activists and sections of the media were under the influence. A famous author, who writes about God, small things and how India asks for attacks like 26/11, has had one of her kidneys replaced with a BBS. It is not well known, that a noted film maker who recently came out with a movie on one of the most infamous riots in India, attached a mini-BBS as an appendage to the cameras that were used to shoot the movie. Many political leaders, who rant about what happened in this 02, and forget about what happened in 84, are wearing lockets which have a micro-BBS’s in its chamber. It is quite possible that this could be the reason why the cause of the Kashmiri Pundits goes unnoticed. A key ally of the NDA, which switched sides in the recent elections, did so because a multi-million MW BBS was installed in their party HQ. The terrorist-cum-politician, one of the key suspects in the Coimbatore bomb blasts, was under the influence of the BBS when he apologized for his “misdemeanor”. This is an anomaly, for we did not expect the BBS to work on this kind of communalism .Our other similar attempts have failed, as the design dictates they should (Saffron only). And this is a wild shot, and though it has never been questioned, my gut says the BBS had a role here. Remember the day one of the prominent communal leaders and PM-aspirant in the 09 Elections showered praised on the man who divided India? It could have been the result of the telescopic BBS gun, which is still in its infancy. I have my doubts, but I am willing to bet on it.

While I am not sure, but I think that the communal forces have developed a prototype to reverse the secular and induce the communal effect. This project is still in its experimental stages, and given the rate at which indigenous technology is developed in India, it will take a while for it to be fully successful. Of all the test subjects I am aware of, the only one it worked on was the brother of a politician from Kashmir, who is going to be inducted as Minister in this Government. He, and I heard on this TV, did not disapprove of the Babri Masjid demolition. Yes. Believe it or not. Apparently, places of prayer should not be built upon disputed sites; hence the demolition was actually a favour to the minority community. I concur that the fundamental principle of the device may be right, but the implementation needs a lot more R&D.

Coming back to BS, err, I mean BBS . The key element used in the BBS is Secularium. It has a variable half life, and depends on the object it is acting on. (The half-life of a quantity whose value decreases with time is the interval required for the quantity to decay to half of its initial value). For instance, a strong willed person might wipe out all trace of this element from his system, if he had to gain something under the guise of being communal. Say, you are not happy with the Secular party for not getting a ticket, you can suddenly start screaming “Hindutva!” , buy a trident , start wearing t shirts with Om on it, beat up a few women, rant and rave about Bhartiya or Hindu sanskriti , and then join the Communal party . But as I said, you need to be strong willed. Spineless, yet strong willed.

1 sJ (Secular-Joule) is the amount of energy radiated by the BBS, to bring about a tiny change in an individual, comparable to secularizing one cell, subject to the condition that the person has not been exposed to communal energies for more than an year. The amount of energy needed to bring about the desired change, is directly proportional to the period and degree of exposure. I think Varun Gandhi can be brought back into the secular fold. Praveen Togadia is a lost case, unless we explode the thermonuclear BBS device.

It has been found, that similar to nuclear radiation, over exposure to the BBS may induce cancerous growth in your body, which will reject everything saffron or some close shade of it. So say bye bye to Fanta, Mirinda, Mangoes, Orange Rasgullas and Halwa-with-Kesar in it. One of the test subjects, who was given a more liberal dose, reacted very violently when a triangular shaped saffron flag was waved in front of him. It was worse than when a bull sees red. (*Brainwave* A new phrase, instead of a “bull sees red”, a “secular sees saffron”). Another test subject with a similar high level of Secularium in his blood stream, who had just helped himself to six large helpings of Spanish paella valenciana, suffered from diarrhea and vomiting, and the team had to struggle hard to save him.

Under the influence of BSS, one might just perceive the world, especially India, into shades of communal and secular. So, one is either of the two, and the rest of the factors be damned. For instance, the junta of Delhi is secular because they voted for Sheila Deikshit, but those of Chhattisgarh or MP are communal as they voted back BJP. Also, the current victory of the UPA is a victory of secularism over communalism, no other variables involved.

The full scope of the BBS is yet to be discovered. One of our scientists, while on a break, put a mini-BBS prototype on a TV. What he observed was that only a certain number of news channels could be viewed, the ones which seem to favour a particular political party of India. What was even more interesting was that the voice and arguments of their famous journalists became louder, stronger and shriller. For the communal one, that might cause an ear bleed, or a brain hemorrhage. The BBS could be a potential weapon, an insidious and deadly one.

The BBS has, as its key components, certain sensors, of a very special kind, the element Secularium, intricate circuitry, and a flawless software. My apologies for not divulging more information. How the hell will it be a black box if you know everything about it? More importantly, the understanding of such a device is beyond your plebian intelligence. By the way, the software was not written by TCS, we will have you know. TCS->Tata->Ratan Tata->Nano->Gujarat, get the drift. Back to the BBS, it is a devious machine. Say, a person is standing near it. This machine sends electrical signals, similar to the ones that are generated in your brain when you think, which produces a thought in his mind. A Sample – Should Afzal Guru be hanged? The BBS then gauges the response from the person, by reading the output, the resulting electrical signals generated. If the answer indicates that the person is communal in nature, the Secularium swings into action. Simple, yet very effective.

The BBS comes in many shapes, sizes and strengths . We might come up with a USB compatible BBS drive , for curing communal bloggers , the author of Orange, for instance.

That's all folks. So far, this product has been a classified one. Soon, we plan to mass produce it, launch a massive media campaign and popularize it. Obviously, the English Media would help us, because they themselves are patrons of Indian Secularism. We hope to accomplish this before the communal forces develop a fully functional GCB (Glass Box of Communalism) prototype. We have come with the name of the company which will be selling this engineering marvel, INC. And please, I know what some of you communal idiots must have thought; INC stands for Indian-Neutralizer-of-Communalism. We are looking for a kickass slogan. If you have an idea, please mail it to secular_till_India_dies@INC.co.in . The winner gets a trip to Italy.

The following is the script of the advertisement we plan to air sometime in the future. All characters in the following idea-of-an-Ad are fictitious. Any resemblance to a person living or dead, is purely co-incidental

Rahul and Varun are two estranged brothers. Due to communal company, and over-saffronization, Varun is dying in a hospital, battling for his life, when in a moment of excruciation, he forgets all his differences, and shouts out a loud and resonant, “Bhaiyyaaaaaaaaaa”. Mean while, our hero, the super secular brother Rahul, is sipping green tea about 37 miles away, when his windows shatter, and he hears his younger brother's wail. He knows what he has to do. With a grim determination, he straps on a duffle bag with a BBS, and kick-starts his Ducati Monster. As he revs the hell out of the bike, he screams out a loud “Main as raha hoon chote”. The crows start cawing, and windows and glass objects, shatter, again. In a flash, he is off. It is a race against time. He rode as never before. He drives through orange orchards, draining the fruits of their juice, and nukkad-jalebi shops, draining the sweet of its syrup. Sanyasis sitting under trees are struck by a sudden de-saffronization of their apparel, reminding one of the many Tide ads. Like a juggernaut, our Ducati-driving-Dude reaches the hospital, and rushes to the ward where his sick cousin (pun intended) lies. He takes of the BBS, and places it on the heaving chest of Varun. And then, they all hold their breath. Varun screams, and then becomes lifeless, the monitor shows no pulse, the sickening sound of death in the air. But, this is India, the land of Hindi Cinema. As Rahul starts staring at the ceiling, and was about to deliver a heavy dialogue for God's benefit, Varun springs back to life. The BBS had done its magic. In a calm and secular voice, with a beatific smile on his face, he says, “Bhaiyya, aap aa gaye”. “Haan chote, tu bulaye aur main na aaon”, says Rahul. And then, Varun avows to sever all ties with anything Saffron and its close shades. They hug tightly, as the clouds make way for the shining sun.

A BBS, to save your dying brother – Expensive (as your brother was very very communal)
A Ducati Monster, made in Italy, to get you to your dying brother – Very Expensive
Bringing back your long lost brother into the secular fold – Priceless

That is the power, of a Black Box of Secularism.

The End

p.s. Do I have to say that this is a satire ? This is my way of protesting against the twisted,perverted version of Secularism that the Political Parties practice . Some make no pretense about not being secular , some claim to be secular and are not and some follow their own brand of it . WTF !

Die Hard , Bloggers !

Ladies and Gentle-Bloggers(in a booming voice) , I give you, a guest post by, Zivana ( said - Zeee vaa na !). She is not a blogger, but has quite a few things to say about us. So without much ado, scroll down, read the post and comment, for the love of the BLOD (BLogging-gOD – is it too cheesy? ) .

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I spilled soda on my table. As I started to worry about the sticky mess and then fret over how I would I clean it and further worry that I may not have that super duper cleaning liquid that instantly washes away the stain, keeping it “So clean that you can eat off the floor! Look, no germs! I don’t see those black little buggers scurrying about on the floor, crawling all over”. By the by, who has a hospital floor at home? (Remember Lizol?) I mean that spotless white, cold floor doesn’t exactly say home sweet home, if you know what I mean.

To come back to my spilt soda, I was then reminded of how many friends have kept warning me not to succumb to my OCD. I am compulsive because it gives me control over a few things in my life. However, it is stuff like this that controls me.

The sarcasm I want to dole out to blogging:

That topic suddenly got boring, so I want to switch to something more interesting. Should I blog? Not sure really. I have always detested blogging. Stupid people from the middle class who think it’s a great talent to waste server capacity dumping their tonnes of crappy opinions on just about anything and everything, from the color of their coffee spoiling their day to feminism and why a certain Mr. I_am_a_whipped_PM has got what it takes to run a country that, well, half the population gives a crap about. And these bloggers come under that section. Not all, but I’m sure, quite a few. Then enthusiastic bloggers (read: idle mind is the blogger’s workshop) go over the stuff, dish out their opinions and again, waste space on the internet. And then, they congratulate one and other on being the real enlightened Buddhas of India and hope one day, that all will spare more time to listen to their ranting and raving. Oh puhleeeeez!! So lame.

Why, oh why do you talk? Barring a few bloggers, who have actually taken their blog to the next level and put it to use, the rest are simply content with their 15 microseconds of internet fame. In this sense, I can call it a rat race of restricted rats; the rats who think they’re not rats.

One look at the average blogger’s page will tell you just how much the human mind can trick its unfortunate owner into thinking how much self importance one can build around oneself. Let’s take a tour, shall we? On the top, you have the title. Nice and catchy. This blog is all about expressing yourself, but let’s face it, we care how others view us, don’t we? Please make way for all the impressive awards people! Now, these are given out ( generously) by other fellow bloggers in recognition of their comrade’s talent, or maybe because their frequencies match, or because its free and they need to feel good about themselves from time to time. Aww, you guys!

One must never forget the power of hyperlinks. You find them jammed into the columns along with the other long, winding text and you wonder why you are even trying to make sense of it. It’s like an obstacle course for your eyes and a marathon for your brain. Perhaps its because of the colours and sizes. Sprint past the black text, jump over the big white link, then again slide again, dropping down to the next paragraph, where, if you were stupid enough to get lost in that wormhole of a link, it will be some eons before you can find your way back.

Some people think it’s cool to dish out fancy words when they give an opinion. Others choose to kiss ass the blogger, saying “oh my, you took the words right out of my mouth!” And then, to themselves “Wow I actually have the same mindset as this guy who’s got 100+ comments so far. So then, they’ll come and read mine too! Yippee! I shall be the next King BIG_BLOG_UGA_UGA.” What a load of humbug and hogwash!

Stunned ? Shocked ? Aghast , as to how can some what hate benign blogging ? Hurt ? Embarrassed ? Introspective , trying to figure the reason why you started blogging , and the reason why you do it now ? Agitated ? Indignated ? Pursed-lips-frowny-face-condescending-look-ated ? Furious ? Murderous ? Picturing yourself , shooting or stabbing Poor Zivana ? Suicidal ? I hope not ! Hold your horses , it ain't over yet !

The good things about blogging:

Ok, so I haven’t been fair about the little guys. So I will scratch the thingy that is my brain and come up with something good on the bloggers. Why, in spite of all that is mentioned above, they are still good for society ( I choose to say society and not India because that ain’t gonna happen anytime in the next century).

As I have said, most of these people are from the middle class, which is the backbone of the country. These are the most progressive thinking section in any country. Their success and school of thought is crucial to push forward the nation . When you see opinions like theirs made public for anyone in the world to see, you get a glimpse of what the future looks like for India.

Blogging is a creative outlet, where you can totally conceal your identity and bare your soul at the same time. Thank God for technology! What I’m saying is, it is a vent. You can give vent to your bottled up emotions that have crushed and melted inside like the onion broth in my pressure cooker. You hold it in for as long as you can. Then the pressure starts to build up. And oops, there it goes, you have unleashed the torrents of demons in you. Jesus would be proud indeed.

Better (and healthier ) than that is to blog. You are put in touch with millions of other lost souls, searching for meaning just like you. Then there are people who just want to be listened to. And believe it or not, people do listen J Yup, you’d be amazed at just how many people can give two hoots to their monotonous lives and read about something in your life. You’d be further surprised at how many more will reach out to you. “Dude, I so totally know how you feel. I’m so worried that because of everybody’s bad karma, we will be obliterated and I’ll be reincarnated into a spider with a giant brain and hairy legs.” (hairier than my own L).

“ Oh honey, I’ve been there. I remember this guy I used to have the hots for in high school and he wouldn’t go out with me because I had tiny tits! Boo hoo.”

“I wanted to commit suicide because I was so fat. I broke the swings. I got stuck halfway on the slides. Each day I got depressed, I just ate. When I hit rock bottom, I wanted to eat my dog. I am with you. Hang in there, girl.”

Or you can even talk about issues that affect a nation as a whole, which is what one of my friends does. He talks about feminism, patriotism, incumbent governments, the right wing, the left wing , all kinds of wings, relationship with the U.S, threat from China, how we need to beat the crap out of Pakistan, corruption, criticizing certain politicians because they aren’t fully Indian, dynasticism, philosophy, discussing his quirks, the beauty and hope for humanity, while degrading it at the same time.

I can go on and on but instead of boring myself, I will say, “Get the drift?”

Just post your thoughts up there and wait and pray. Then, a marvelous phenomenon I’d like to call the Oh_blogger_where_art_thou effect, happens. Across the globe, they come. From far off servers, they come, first in small groups, then larger and larger until its like fireflies hovering around a tree, or bees to nectar or drug addicts to drugs or simply, fellow brethren/sistren ( ha ha) to thy fellow Blog soul in need.

(The number of bloggers frolicking in your blog-o-yard is directly proportional to the popularity and fame(or infamy) of your blog )

(By the way , does anyone feel that the gender of English is male? Here’s an example. Sistren was used in the middle ages, but fell out of use. Personally, I always thought Spanish had a feminine quality to it. )



The next phenomenon involves the generation of intense energy and emotion, exceeding millions of joules that transcends human mind, body, boundary and shoots up to the cosmos. You see Physics and Chemistry at its very best. It touches every blogger who has come into contact with your post. It infects everyone like a putrid fever and for the few seconds that this happens, comments after comments are generated.

And finally, to fulfill Newton’s third law, oh and let’s include Bohr, or he’ll feel left out: Everyone is fully discharged and returns back to ground state, retreating into the shadows, just as strangely as they had come. You think to yourself, “ Was this all a dream?” . But no it isn’t. For lo and behold, they have left behind comments for you, which you are expected to love and cherish like the Ten commandments. The only proof that there is life out there in World Wide Web! Now don’t you agree with me on the mystical and nonsensical power of Blogging?

All crap aside and on a more serious note: I read once that a young girl, who was sexually abused by her father for more than 7 years, finally got the courage to get help and get that perverted bastard of a father arrested. Where did she get it from? She kept a blog page, and it was one of her followers who told her that she should talk to the police. She acknowledges that this was the only thing that prevented her from committing suicide.

So what can we conclude from this? Blogging is good. If you have a great idea, share it. You never know who else out there has it too. If you need help, confide in that anonymous friend. You might be given a new life. If you think you’re cool, please blog. You might end up feeling like you need a new personality. If you disagree with the government, do blog. You will be arrested and charged with being a left or right winger. Then all the news channels reach out to you and SPLAT!! You are on every front page and every T.V screen. People will hold candle light marches for you. They will make T shirts and cards and friendship bands in your name. While these card corporations profit, one of the media people will let it slip that you don’t like the government. After some time, when dust settles on everything, you will be released and people will have erased you from their minds.

Still indifferent ? Happy ? Elated ? Ecstatic ? Socially Elevated ( Cause you are back to being cool , an educated blogger )? Just-touched-head-to-check-for-a-halo-ated ? Levitated ? Still-not-ready-to-come-back-to-Earth-ated ? :D Maga , Chill Madi . And back to Zivana :)

But that’s not the moral. The moral is: Why the heck are you listening to me? Follow your heart. Do what you want. I’m just writing for my own joy J

Credits: This is the result of a fever and mood swings and an unsatisfied wish to pick a fight.

The case for our next PM

Super Blogger and hyper commentator (Is it the right word?), Ms. Awesome Indyeah wrote a kickass post on why she loves Rahul Gandhi. The super vella aadmi I am these days(Thank you Recession), I couldn't help but make some observations on that blog in the form of comments, which got me a few smileys and ROFLs. That inspired me to put them together, and some more in this post. So here it goes. Pardon me for those who have already read and laughed (hopefully) at my comments, some of the points are repeated here. My apologies if my zany humour offends your sense of humour .

(Rahul is in the air, ta ra rum pum, ta ra rum pum, Raaa-hoool is in the air !)

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So , you think Rahul Gandhi should not be the PM , in the near future(2014), eh ?

1. First of all, get off that dope you are smoking, injecting or snorting. It is making you "communal”. Who sold it to you? A guy in khakee shorts? He said he was some kind of a volunteer? Hmmm. Disturbing. It’s getting saffron-er everyday. No wonder you are talking through you black topi, err, I mean hat. You are living in denial. Once you clear your brain of all the saffron cobwebs , you will start seeing day light. That is the first stage of acceptance.

2. Did you even know that geneticists have come up with a fit-to-be-the-PM-of-India gene, and the descendants of Nehru family have it? No kidding! I swear on INC. Apparently, there is a gene for everything. For believing in God, believing in your Nation, and may be, and this is a very wild guess, for being communal as well. On a side note, if the communal gene thingy does come out to be true, then all the sanghies plaguing the landscape of India need your help. The rabid, Hindutva-hailing, minority-haters will have to be cured of this virulent disease. We would have to install giant BBS's in every saffron infested corner of this country. What is a BBS? Dumbass! Claims to be secular and doesn't even know that. How would you know, you bloody MCP (Malevolent Communal Pig)? I will tell you about it in detail later, for the time being, know that it stands for Black Box of Secularism. Enough digressing! So, I dare you not to question why shouldn’t Rahul Andhi, bole to, Gandhi be the PM-in-waiting, just toe the line like everyone else.

3.Rahul baba is half-a-gora. That is half the reason why he should be the PM, the other half being the sur name. And I will tell you why . It is sad, that some of you ARE willing to let go of your colonial hang over. Absolutely pathetic, makes me want to weep. Did you forget the glorious days of our Gora sahibs? The ones who gave us trains, telephones, English, our nation and an inferiority complex. Do not speak of the millions who died during the process (The Bengal Famine). How dare you question the intention of such white, benevolent and magnanimous people, you brown bugger? They did even have to use any fairness cream for their complexion. *The moron gasps in awe* Goras rock, they kick ass! And DO NOT, under any circumstances, let go of that colonial hangover. For the Love of secularism and India, drink some more of that "white" wine. “White English” wine has been found to very beneficial to a brown sahib's health. If your communal-dope addled brain raises any objection, then try some other liquor, anything European will do. If you have anything Indian, it will taste nothing better than tharra (country made liquor); and God knows, that after your West-influenced education, you have no taste for it. Only pseudo-Hindutva-followers drink Indian-made, because the actual-Hindutva-followers do not drink at all. If the booze is not Western (preferably European), you will puke your guts out. So, in short, you just cannot let go of that hang over.Always be willing to acknowledge and accept the fact, that only a White can rule us, for they are way superior . It would be awesome if someone from England could come over, but Italy is not a bad option. May be France as well, we can ask Sarkozy after he retires. I propose a round robin algorithm, with all the European countries, and USA involved.What say you?

4.Terrorism will be done with in 15 minutes in his reign - “I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes," . Terrorism and terrorists , Gone . Poof . It will do the Vanishing Act . Houdini and P C Sarkar would be proud of him . And empower people ? I say we arm them all to the teeth . Get in touch with the NRA , and Kalashnikov-ize the country . That would solve a lot of problems . On a side note , if you remember the day when a crazy Korean killed his fellow students , the NRA had actually said that had every student on that campus been armed, somebody or the other would have shot him soon enough.

5.For his awesome General Knowledge – Gujarat is larger than UK*, said the great man . I do not know whether he implied area or population, or both . I think some one who can shoot out “facts” like these , for some one who has traveled nationally and internationally and is apparently very educated , it is a clear indication . If only BQC had started when he was younger !

6.This is what I hope we will get from his Columbian connection , Weed and Coke. That is marijuana and cocaine . It will surely make some urban voters very happy. Don't you get the connection? How can you, you dope. And I won’t tell you , find out on your own. After all, you were living on non-secular drugs; it will be a while before you realize the merits of brand Columbia. The World knows how good it is. Hollywood swears by it , even Bollywood, you can ask Fardeen if you don’t believe me. Did you even know that Pablo Escobar, the Columbian Drug Lord , was listed as the seventh richest man ? How would that be even possible if his product was not world class? May the good Lord grant this great man some peace. I am looking forward to the movie that is being made on him, so that he can inspire me, and after imbibing a few of his qualities, I may start my own business and never ever code again for a living.

The above are the reasons why he should be the PM. The following are the possible perks I could come up with, when the “Indiano-Italiano” ties are strengthened and given a new dimension by this gentleman.Pardon my loopiness. :)

1. Football. Yes you fool. Football. Italian coaches and players. Our third rate Indian team will get trained by, say someone like Marcello Lippi, and get a chance to play with the Italians in their leagues. They will have a shot in the International arena. I say this, as honestly as possible and as an upcoming football fan, if Rahul Gandhi promises to make this possible, I will vote for him once. And yes, in case the Indian team does not make it to the Top 32, we will be supporting Italy, business as usual(2006 WC France-Italy Final , Congress workers were rooting for apni Italy).

2. Free trips to Italy and other European countries - Why not? All Rahul Baba fans have a right to visit the country, where a part of his roots are from (nanihal). All Sonia Madam fans have the right to visit the place she is from (mayka). Wouldn't you as a fan, of any great soul, want to visit or explore the place that person was born at, raised in or frequented. So why should the fans of the current Gandhi family be denied the same? It would be an almost religious experience, and Ambika Soni can be the tour guide. And while you are in the neighborhood, have a dekko at the other European countries as well. After all, one must know where one's masters came and are coming from. Get a swig, straight from the flask, that hang over will last for a very long time.

3. An IIT and IIM in Italy - May be. Who knows? But it will be cool, huh? I hope the IIM thing happened soon. I am too poor to go abroad for an MBA. This can be the only shot the likes of me can have at getting a phoren education. Yes, I see the obvious flaw, the fly in this ointment, how will I ever make it to an IIM? I don't know, let me try . Will changing my name to Kislay Gandhi do the magic ?

4. God father 4, 5& 6 will be shot in India. An alternative scenario, where Vito Corleone immigrates to India instead of the US, where he fights and conquers the communal forces and establishes a secular yet criminal business empire. Just imagine, you can boast of this to your non-Indian friends, that the new "God-father trilogy was a shot in a India”, with hand motions and an acquired Italian accent(which could become a new fad and replace American). If you have seen Russell Peters, you will know what I am saying. You can also brag about the fact, that a filmmaker can envision a secular criminal empire , only in India. Yes sire . Bery bery sickular ( Try saying that with the Russell-Peters-Indian accent).

5.Cheaper Olives and Italian Food. For once my dream of going to expensive and exquisite Italian restaurants might come true. I mean, wouldn't spaghetti with meat-balls and pene pasta be more popular and cheaply available? I am pretty sure most Congress workers/members will change their diet. I picture myself, seated in Little Italy, savoring Pasta Paprika and sipping Rosso di Montalcino. And your cocktails and desi-italian recipes will never run out of Olives or Olive Oil. My dream of making Vodka Martinis (as James Bond drinks it in Casino Royale, also called a Vesper) the national beverage might just come true.

And last, but not the least by any measure , his name .

His first name is Rahul .Do any of you dimwitted dunderheads even know what Rahul means? My source , is Wikipedia .

a. Conqueror of all miseries, according to some Upanishad. You bet your saffron ass, he is. He will end our miseries by wiping out the Communal forces.Three cheers for Secularatva !

b. The later use of the word is attributed to the Buddha, who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. If Grade a Columbian Stuff does not get you nirvana, and helps you renounce this world , (temporarily), nothing else will. While I am not sure whether he would renounce the world, the new era ushered in by him will ensure that others will have a stab at it , provided the Columbian connection is not lost.

c. Rahul also means Moon, Able/efficient in Sanskrit. We all saw how efficient and able he is, the 21-seats-in-UP feat that he pulled off “entirely” on his own speaks for that. And isn't he cute as a moon? And before you jump to any conclusion, let me just tell you that I am still straight. I say that as a neutral and not neutered observer. The girls (not all of them) do go gaga over him.

His last name is Gandhi .Need I explain as to why is that important, you nincompoop numbskull? Seriously, the dope that those khakee shorts guys sold have fucked you up pretty bad! It is the most powerful name in this nation, quite possibly in the World. And the irony is that original bearer has no idea, how his name has been (mis)used and milked in this country. It happens only in India. By Gawd, something suddenly struck me ! If the scientific community (even the tiny one we have) was steeped in this very dynasticism, can you imagine what would have happened ? The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ?

Rahul bhai, sure is one lucky guy. Good Education, good Looks, greatest possible name, soon will have a great job. I think we can start using the phrase "as lucky as Rahul”.

A possible repercussion of his becoming the PM - Thousands, may be lacs of kids, born after 2014 will be named either Rahul (firtsname) or Gandhi (lastname). I might name my male child on those lines, if a woman agrees to marry me in or before 2012. So, you won't be able to throw a brick without hitting a Rahul or a Gandhi. Get ready for it. What did you say? BJP? Why can't they come to power in 2014? You jackass, how the hell do you think that will happen? They will be almost wiped out by then, a ghost of their former saffron suffused self. *Brainwave* Unless, they rename their party. From BJP to, wait for it , and it is going to be legendary, the BGP. Ha! How is that? *Visible Halo around yours truly*. And I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to me , if you ask me what the G in BGP stands for , I will %@$#^@&%#&@&#&@ !!!!! If you still don't get it, then I think you need a red and burning mark on your cheek , in the shape of a hand . Jai Ho !

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This is a satire, if somebody missed on that. I hate nepotism as many other people do, but I do not hate Rahul Gandhi, at least not now. I hate the fact that the helm of the affairs of this country will be handed out to him, way before he actually proves himself worthy of it. That does not mean that I won't support him if he does appear to me as the next Great Indian Leader. Most importantly, he does not need my support,permission or respect , I want him to accomplish things that will make me respect and support him , or any other person who aspires to be the Prime Minister of this country. To all the die-hard dynasty fans, and RG lovers, my apologies, if you were offended. Chicas of the Delhi University who apparently have an orgasm at the sight of RG , please don't curse me that I never have one ( I actually saw a female DU student scream a out loud and quite orgasmic "Rahul ! I love you! " ) . And read Mr. Vinod Sharma's analysis . He has taken into account his past and present actions and statements , which do not paint him in the same light as the very unbiased Media houses in our country are doing .

* Gujarat is smaller than the UK , both area and population wise .

Edited to add : I was wondering about Rahul baba , and I actually want some one to do an exclusive post on him , biographical in nature , and tell me what his achievements have been so far , and where did he go wrong . I want to know why do people think that he is a ray of hope , and good enough to don the PM's robes in the near future. Seriously , what has he done , and this is a question, not a sarcastic remark . And on the same note , if him then why not Priyanka ? Priyanka's interview