Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mad World

A tall dark and handsome man entered the room. He was musing over his dark complexion, regretting that he never ever applied the skin whitening cream in his youth. His eyes went up to the bent figure sitting , or rather slumped over the chair. The prisoner looked up, cringed, and cursed himself. “Why the hell did I not take my daily dose of Parle G. I would have been out these shackles by now. But I, like a total moron, had to fall for the coke-ke-saath-dost free crap. And that blunder made me forget about my super-power biscuit.”,he thought. His eyes caught his would be tormentor’s glare. He shivered in fright, those cold eyes froze your soul. He had been trained well, even to bear the harshest of the tortures. He even had his macro-man vest on. But he wondered whether he would be able to fend off this fiend’s attempts. The tormentor switched on the TV. “May be , they are going to give me a test of some sorts”. The colors came on. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness of TV, he started feeling an increasing sensation of numbness. And then it hit him, like a blitzkrieg, and he was fading away. The last word he heard was “Jai Shree Krishna Baa………”.

He was in a semi-comatose state. He had this weird nightmare, in flashes of, pasty faced over made up woman, dressed in expensive sarees. There were a lot of families involved. And almost all of them looked the same age , he couldn’t make out mother form daughter. He passed out again.

He came to his senses. His head felt heavy. He tried grapple with the situation. It took him a while to recall the events before the black out. It seemed that he had a memory loss of some sorts. He retched. His vision was blurry . It took him some effort to open his eyes. The TV was still on . Some young people were arguing with each other on this show. He couldn't make out half of what he said, the other half was beeped. As he watched more and more of it, the dull throbbing which had started in his head, turned into a splitting head-ache. He tried to figure out what was going on . Even in his own mentally disheveled state, he could figure out that a bunch of demented but stylish young men and women were involved in some extremely imbecilic and asinine acts , which obviously did not involve the use of one's brain. 10 minutes into the show, the prisoner just collapsed . His captor grinned, his teeth shining out . He was a Colgate man, and never missed to brush his teeth with the best Oral care had to offer, certified by dentists all over. He was wondering whether to bunk this interrogation session or not, as he nursed a bottle of Fanta in his hand. His techniques were not working, so far the prisoner had just drifted in and out, and showed no signs of surrender . “Eh”, he said,” Let's wait a while, and while I am waiting, I can help some poor villager get some power”. With these words, he turned on his new Voltas AC. As the AC started regurgitating power, he fell into a reverie . He wondered whether to buy some vaseline body lotion for his teenaged daughter. He wanted her to be a better tennis player, and so far , actually working on playing better tennis had not helped her. His son was still hopeless. Even the liberal doses of Mentos didn't help him pass a single subject. He wondered why every product he had ever used never worked as the advertisement promised it would . Perplexed, and tired, he fell asleep.

******************************************************************************

To be continued , whenever I can garner some patience, better words and enough exasperation as a result of watching incredibly dumb advertisements, news anchors, and glimpses of TV shows . Par aap dekhna mat bhoolna , “Rakhee Sawant ka Swayamvar” . And if I were the producer of that show, I would introduce two new rounds to this kickass(so bad , that you want to kick your own butt) modern day “real life” drama .

1.So dumb that you should die round – This will be offered to the contestants . I would approach them personally , and offer them a desert eagle with enough bullets to end their existence , as they chose to be on of the suitors. It is not Rakhee , it is more so because this nautanki will be aired on TV , and they have no qualms about it .

2.Everyone-should-get-a-second-chance-and-die-now-or-die-painfully-later-round – This will be offered to the winner . The lucky man , will be asked to end it right here, right now, before he actually gets married . Since this man refused the first offer, this time, I will offer him a sword or a long dagger , as he deserves to die a slightly painful death, for humiliating himself.


I must add, that though I am not a fan of Ms. Sawant , I think she has guts. And the satire was directed more at the audience willing to gobble up Grade A Horse Shit like this, and then asking for more.I am not calling for a ban on shows like these . I hate them , it is my personal view , and obviously I don't watch it . But what is more infuriating , and dumber , is the debates on whether shows like these should be aired in India or not . There was one going on the yesterday, on some we-are-the-only-credible-source-and-we-are-so-full-of-ourselves English news channel . Pooja Bedi was one of the debaters . Mahajan Junior another . And the most important and the most intelligent one, according to yours truly was a guy , who was , I guess the representative of the PFBS , i.e People Full of BS , i.e Bhartiya Sanskriti . I don't want to write down everything he said or why I disagree with it . Just one would be enough . He said "Humare yahan , jab koi aurat pregnant hoti hai , to hum yeh nahi kehte ki woh pet se hai , hum yeh kehte hain ki uska paanv bhari hai . Yeh hai Bhartiya Sanskirit " . I was stumped after hearing this . I mean , how is it the term used to describe a woman who is carrying a new life related to Bhartiya Sanskriti ? I mean , WTF . Am I an idiot that I don't get it ? Do you get it ? What was he trying to say ? I still don't get it . Please , for the love of BS , tell me . And Pooja Bedi was in hysterics .

One last thought . The way things are , please do not feel surprised if one fine day , the ignoranuses(ignorant assholes) who debate on such stupid topics , make an issue out of Western style toilets . They might come up with something like - "As a western toilet is too comfortable for ablutions , it makes the Common Indian Man/Woman forget , that he/she has to struggle everyday for existence , and so is against the ethos of Bhartiya Sanskriti " , or words to that effect . Or , if not this , then something worse than this , which would be - "Woman should not be allowed to use Western toilets , as the seat is on a higher level compared to the desi one . And , as men are inherently superior to woman , only they should be allowed to relieve themselves comfortable , and from a higher plane " , or some more BS to that effect . You think I am crazy , huh ? Wait for the day .

After all, it is a Mad World .

16 comments:

stuti chandra said...

THIS ONE WAS GREAT.ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE WESTERN STYLE TOILETS.I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. AFTER READING THIS PIECE OF YOURS I REALIZED INDEED IT IS A MAD WORLD.

Anrosh said...

:) ads -- i am entertained more by it than the shows --

( rakhi ka swayamwar - first i read on nita's blog -- i read in 2 or 3 other indian blogs -- i''ll have to check youtube or something to figure this out - everybody seems to be touched in some way or the other

Kislay said...

@Stuti
Thank you :)
@Anrosh
RkS could be , quite possibly the dumbest show ever aired . That is why it is the most popular .

manju said...

Nice one, Kislay! It certainly is a mad world on television. And if TV is a mirror of our lives, in reality also.

Ads and reality shows- both equally asinine. Haven't seen Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar yet. Am I missing much?

Chrysalis said...

Curious to know who is holding you a prisoner? Why do you even watch TV? I certainly don't. I have a TV but to watch home videos or movies of my choice. SAY NO TO CABLE !!! :)

Solilo said...

Kislay, I am so out of touch with Indian advts. Even though we have Sony and Zee here, we are tortured by local American-Indian advts. which is unbearable.

Is swayamvar over? Did Rakhi finally marry?

Doodleduck said...

RKS - the 'finale(??)' made headlines as 'breaking new'!!
(did i watch either....no way!!)

Bhartiya sanskriti - pet se hai.....paanv bhaari hai....!!!

OMG.....OMG......OMG......

Shini said...

AIYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jesus! yeh sab....u are right!!!!

WTF
Ingnoranuses
BS

sheesh....

ads, let snot go there, it's really late at night i will just get all pissed off n not get sleep! :P

jai shri krishna baa....

ROFL

kislay....me loved this,
for the sheer ease in which u made me laugh and wanna bang my head on a wall about the state of affairs in India.....

the toilet episode....i am sure, it is possible....very possible!!!


loved it!!!! salutes Al-Kisladin! ;)

Charakan said...

I share your disgust in Reality TV . I watch news channels though they are also many a time intolerabale.

vimmuuu said...

LOL, expect you to come up with such satires !!!

Personally, I feel Rakhi Sawants show sucks big time, but its again upto people to like or dislike!!!

Loved the ending bit, especially about the toilets ! You would never leave that, will ya ??

Btw, I have made a reference about you in the second part of the cross border terrorism post of mine. Guess you didnt read it since I didnt have to reply for you. :D :D

quirkyindian said...

Excellent one, Kislay. :-)

PFBS? Ha ha ha....and I also learnt a new word today: ignoranuses.

Well done, my friend.

Cheers,

Quirky Indian

Zivana said...

People ask me how I manage without a TV. Honestly, with all these crappy TV shows going on, I don't understand how educated and sane people with some respect for time, money and quality can watch stuff like this.

Nice satire Kislay. Maybe you could do a post exclusively directed at our news channels or reality shows!!

Winnie the poohi said...

It is a circus out there. I choose not to watch. I watch TV when the comp is taken over by my sis and I dont have a good book to read :)

Which happens super rarely!

destinationinfinity said...

I too don't have a TV in my house. I hope to be in that blissful state for some time to come, at least! And guess what, I have stopped buying newspapers too. Talk about influencing people with biased content!! My only respite is online blogs... till this too is taken over by the media moghuls.

Destination Infinity

indyeahforever said...

QI says EXCELLENT and I say the same:D

the post is unique and most of all I find it hilarious but more the ouch kind...


the TRPs for such shows goes through the roof..any idea who is watching it when we all claim not to be?


BRILLIANT POST!


I cringe when I see such things /ads on TV.

another blogger had written about one such ad
http://gaurigharpure.blogspot.com/2009/08/kiney-ad-vishwas-kar.html

He said "Humare yahan , jab koi aurat pregnant hoti hai , to hum yeh nahi kehte ki woh pet se hai , hum yeh kehte hain ki uska paanv bhari hai . Yeh hai Bhartiya Sanskirit " .
OMG! what absolute BS!!


let me guess as to the gentleman's identity..
you write the representative of the PFBS , i.e People Full of BS , i.e Bhartiya Sanskriti .
so are his initials VPS?:)))

thats the only moron I see day in and day out spouting absolute nonsense!

indyeahforever said...

Stuti is here too?:)))

yes she is right..the last scenario I could well imagine ..
thats how moronic the situation in India is these days...

They might come up with something like - "As a western toilet is too comfortable for ablutions , it makes the Common Indian Man/Woman forget , that he/she has to struggle everyday for existence , and so is against the ethos of Bhartiya Sanskriti " , or words to that effect . Or , if not this , then something worse than this , which would be - "Woman should not be allowed to use Western toilets , as the seat is on a higher level compared to the desi one . And , as men are inherently superior to woman , only they should be allowed to relieve themselves comfortable , and from a higher plane " ,


one day mark my words they will preserve your brain :D


if only to see how this one survived when all others were such automatons:))

There was one going on the yesterday, on some we-are-the-only-credible-source-and-we-are-so-full-of-ourselves English news channel
uh! let me guess...just a wild guess mind you;)))

MBPV?

:D:D:D


as for Poojniya RAkhi JI ...did you know that my birthday was on a day of historic importance? ;))


Rakhi was getting married on the same day(oh!well she didn't..,but thats another story)