Humara Nayak Nitish

Humara Nayak jeet gaya.

Our hero won. I am not sure about this claim of mine, but I think he won like no one has ever before. I , like millions of other Indians, am ecstatic. I say Indians, and not Biharis, for I truly believe that his Victory is not only hailed by the Indians from Bihar, but from all over India. For a change, the right man won, for the right reasons and at the right time [ Don't misinterpret the use of the word right here ;) ] . For me, it is akin to the Victory of Good over Evil,  like the radiant and resplendent Sun dispelling the clouds of darkness and doom. It is as if our Nayak borrowed Shri Ram’s bow, and chopped off not ten, but multi-headed Raavan’s in Bihar. I see the hand of the Divine Mother, blessing our Nayak with her Shakti, to gore all the Mahishasur’s to death. The Raavan’s are still there, fewer in number though, the Mahishasur’s have not been annihilated to oblivion, but the Battle is on, and you know who is gaining. It feels like Holi, Dusshera and Diwali, all rolled into one. You can say that today, I am on cloud nine, with a rainbow around my shoulders.

One might wonder that what is the big deal about Nitish jee’s re-election. He won in 2005 with a good majority, didn’t he? He worked for the development of the State, didn’t he? Logically speaking, he would have won anyways. And that is where being a Bihari, and having lived in the Dark Ages, gives you the insight that how Logic and Reason had been condemned to hell for 15 years. Unless, you have seen it, heard about it, and experienced it from a close range, you cannot imagine the fear that gripped us all. The perpetual state of disarray that we all lived in, the despair and gloom that had become a part of Life, the notion that one had to leave this damned state for a better Life, and the further you went, the better it was. 

When he held the reins in 2005, it was the proverbial sliver lining. But that fear did not go away completely even when he came into Power. Every now and then, the dark thought of his losing in the upcoming elections troubled me. An irrational fear, that nothing good can ever happen in Bihar, that we are doomed forever, that no matter what, the Dark forces will employ diabolical means to usurp power once again. I wonder whether there are others who thought on the same lines, but I had this nagging doubt. It always lurked in my mind, and sent shivers down my spine. Today, his victory has brought with it, the hope and promise for a change that will be lasting and persistent. The landslide is like the proverbial nail in the coffin of the Lords of Misrule. This victory is also a sign of a desperately needed Social change. A change in the mindset of the populace, to rise above caste and religion, to value development and peace over anything else. I do not claim that Biharis are done with caste and religion, or that this change will take place overnight. It a long and arduous process. But with Nitish jee as the Captain, the ship will sail through, and be a shining example of a Nav Bharat.

Our Nayak was not backed by MY or Your people. He was backed by the forward and the backward, by the Hindus and the Muslims, by the hope and trust of the once doomed, who now have a chance to experience Progress for a considerable period.

Today is a great day for India, and for our democratic system. This victory, and the previous one, are in the annals now, and they will be quoted as an example of a turnaround for many years to come. When a state as large and populous as Bihar gets a push in the right direction, it cannot just benefit the people from that state alone. I am no social scientist or a student of economics, but yet, I know and I am so sure of this belief, that the benefits reaped off from the leadership of our Nayak, will affect a lot more people than the 10 crore Biharis.

As Bob Dylan said, the times, they are indeed a changing.

Jai Hind.  


p.s. Did any one of you laugh out loud when the Gandhi clan tried hard to impress the Junta, and claim that there has been no development in Bihar, completely ignoring the fact that it was their beloved ally who was responsible for that?

Son of the Soil

Howdy everyone ! Its been long . Nearly one and a half months since I lasted bored you all with my rants :) . I hope some of you still remember me though .

I bet you all must have seen the Abu Asim Azmi Vs Raj Thackeray , aka Sainiks Vs Samkavadis BS being aired all over . Leave alone the debates , where Ivy League educated politicians talk as if they were schooled and force fed all the words a night before . All theory , all technical terms , full of "We shoulds and we should nots" kind of crap , cliched and over cliched . The issue itself is so damn idiotic . Who asked you to force one language on another ? And more importantly , who the hell asked you puff your chest and proclaim your solidarity with the "national language" . I wonder how familiar is that person , truly , with Hindi . And boy oh boy , do check his wikipedia bio . If the parties involved were so sorely seeking participation in contact sports , they could have easily done it in a better and more dignified manner . But NO . This is INDIA ! A gyrating democracy . Not vibrating , but gyrating , to different tunes . So this had to happen .

But this issue is just an off shot of the real issue , the Son of the Soil theory . I wonder why the name stuck , the only soil I know is the Indian one , the idea of Tamil , Gujerati , Manipuri or Kashmiri soil sounds unreal and nonsensical to me . Anyways, we all have heard about it , since it all started in 08 . What happened then bothered me a lot , and it still does . But what bothers me even more , is the undivided attention , the Hindi and English language media showered on MNS and Mr. Thackeray alone . Sure , he is wrong on many fronts . Undeniable . But how many of the news channels and journalists ever turned the limelight on the politicians and the pace of the development of the states from where all the "undesirables of Mumbai" come from ? Why aren't they portrayed as darkly as Raj Thackeray , who is nothing but one side of the coin ? Why ? Is it deliberate , a part of some sort of a super conspiracy theory , to bring him out in the open , and as no publicity is bad publicity , fuel his growth ? Or is it that English and Hindi media took it personally , and decided to just focus on the side of the story they don't like ? I want to know why . Honestly . For will I not accept this argument forever , that any Indian can settle anywhere he wants , no matter what . Some things matter . Like the fact , that two of the most populous states cannot be underdeveloped for long without having its repurcussions . The fact , that a country as huge as ours cannot do with a handful of good cities . And migration must have its optimum levels ,everything in and around us operates on that logic. And who do we blame ? The people of those states ? The people of the states that has the migrant population ? The respective leaders ? The Central Government ? Who , the fuck , is responsible , and answerable ? And more importantly , even if only theoretically speaking , how do you redesign the system , to ensure uniformity , and to restore balance and order ?

But I guess Raj Thackeray alone is enough to push the TRP up . Why bother , huh . Some of us will be happy watching the English/Hindi reporting on him . Some of us , will get a reason to pent up some anger , and might vote for him the next time . Many of us , would process it as reality tv/modern age entertainment , and live with it , till it directly crosses our path .

Please , share with me , if you have any answers .

The Cook and The Janitor

Thanks to Smitha and Indyeah :)

Religion is like a kitchen . The food for your soul is cooked . It should be the food for your soul , cooked by people who should be well versed in that art . The different religions/faiths/schools of thought could be the different cuisines . It caters to different kinds of people with different needs . A good cook would be the one focusing on cooking a nutritious meal , without making a song and dance about the ingredients , the utensils or the people who eat it . He wouldn't force the food he likes down anyone's throat . He wouldn't decide whom to feed or not. He would also check his own recipe if people have an upset stomach or food poisoning .

Politics is like a toilet . It has devolved into this state . A dirty , filthy , stinking toilet . One that needs to be clean for the general well being for our society . One that is responsible for the many diseases that our society suffers from . A toilet , that is should be cleaned and maintained by custodians, chosen by us , but they usually end up doing something else , many a times in cahoots with , or under the influence of some really crooked cooks . That is why a person , who enters politics with very pure intentions , would be nothing short of a great social worker , willing to manage and clean the society's sewage .

Now what happens when you don't separate the kitchen and the toilet ? What happens if the janitor and the cook start messing with each others work ? First , you get some really bad food . Let's say , you some how digest it . When the time for your ablutions come , all you have is a dirty toilet ? And heaven forbid , if you are sick , then you are screwed . Picture the janitor promising good food, or the cook directing you to choose a particular janitor , or the janitor favouring a particular kitchen . How bloody disturbing and messy does it all sound ! I can picture the cook and the janitor running to and fro , from the kitchen and the toilet . And what happens when the cook starts cleaning or the janitor starts cooking ?

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh !!!!!




Secularism is a must , in its pure and unadulterated form .

Black Box of Secularism

I mentioned something called a BBS in this post, The Case for our next PM . So here it goes , the BS about a BBS !

Black box is a technical term for a device, system or object when it is viewed in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge required of its internal workings. Almost anything might occasionally be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, humans, the Internet, the way political parties in India function and interpret Secularism (I added the last one). The opposite of a black box is a system where the inner components or logic are available for inspection (such as a free software/open source program), which is sometimes known as a white box, a glass box, or a clear box.

Secularism is the assertion that governmental practices or institutions should exist separately from religion and/or religious beliefs. In one sense, secularism may assert the right to be free from religious rule and teachings, and freedom from the government imposition of religion upon the people, within a state that is neutral on matters of belief, and gives no state privileges or subsidies to religions. In another sense, it refers to the view that human activities and decisions, especially political ones, should be based on evidence and fact unbiased by religious influence.

So why is the BBS, a black box? Well, it says it is secular, but you don't know what the hell is going on inside. You expect it to be secular in all contexts and in all the four dimensions, but it chooses its environment selectively. You expect it to be secular, the way secularism is defined, but it follows its own pattern, as if a very highly evolved AI controls it. Unlike the communal forces of India, who are openly communal, it is mystery as to how those who claim to be secular are so? As I said, you don’t know what goes inside the bloody black box. You are not supposed to know. The result is computed on the basis of the input. You have to kill your curiosity about how was it actually computed, and be content with the result.

Being black, it absorbs all the negative communal energy and radiates positive secular energy. The BBS is incredibly effective in blocking out saffron rays. Say, you are getting irritated by the pakhandi baba who is preaching about the benefits of sanyas, perched on a plush cushion in an air-conditioned room, just take out the mini black box. First it will drain the colour out of his robes, and subsequently, his energy. But we must tell you, the designers of this black box were targeting a specific kind of communal crowd. This device absorbs the harmful communal energy emanated by the Saffron brigade only. So if any you thought that air dropping thousands of these over Pakistan or Afghanistan would be the perfect solution, BOO HOO, it is NOT. And neither will it work on the Khalistanis or the aggressively proselytizing Missionaries.

As some we buffoons in the software industry say, “In God we trust, everything else we test”. Even this ingenious device was tested exhaustively, after the development of the first prototype. It was tested on one of the popular leaders of Uttar Pradesh who is, or rather was a key conspirator in the Babri Masjid demolition. To assess its actual effectiveness, it was done without his active knowledge, and lo-and-behold, he turned secular. He switched from a clearly communal party to an absolutely secular party. It was the single-most greatest moment for the Scientists who worked on this project. There have been numerous other success stories as well. One recent incident involved the questioning the circumstances of the death of a super cop, and giving it a Hindutva angle. In this case, certain political leaders, political activists and sections of the media were under the influence. A famous author, who writes about God, small things and how India asks for attacks like 26/11, has had one of her kidneys replaced with a BBS. It is not well known, that a noted film maker who recently came out with a movie on one of the most infamous riots in India, attached a mini-BBS as an appendage to the cameras that were used to shoot the movie. Many political leaders, who rant about what happened in this 02, and forget about what happened in 84, are wearing lockets which have a micro-BBS’s in its chamber. It is quite possible that this could be the reason why the cause of the Kashmiri Pundits goes unnoticed. A key ally of the NDA, which switched sides in the recent elections, did so because a multi-million MW BBS was installed in their party HQ. The terrorist-cum-politician, one of the key suspects in the Coimbatore bomb blasts, was under the influence of the BBS when he apologized for his “misdemeanor”. This is an anomaly, for we did not expect the BBS to work on this kind of communalism .Our other similar attempts have failed, as the design dictates they should (Saffron only). And this is a wild shot, and though it has never been questioned, my gut says the BBS had a role here. Remember the day one of the prominent communal leaders and PM-aspirant in the 09 Elections showered praised on the man who divided India? It could have been the result of the telescopic BBS gun, which is still in its infancy. I have my doubts, but I am willing to bet on it.

While I am not sure, but I think that the communal forces have developed a prototype to reverse the secular and induce the communal effect. This project is still in its experimental stages, and given the rate at which indigenous technology is developed in India, it will take a while for it to be fully successful. Of all the test subjects I am aware of, the only one it worked on was the brother of a politician from Kashmir, who is going to be inducted as Minister in this Government. He, and I heard on this TV, did not disapprove of the Babri Masjid demolition. Yes. Believe it or not. Apparently, places of prayer should not be built upon disputed sites; hence the demolition was actually a favour to the minority community. I concur that the fundamental principle of the device may be right, but the implementation needs a lot more R&D.

Coming back to BS, err, I mean BBS . The key element used in the BBS is Secularium. It has a variable half life, and depends on the object it is acting on. (The half-life of a quantity whose value decreases with time is the interval required for the quantity to decay to half of its initial value). For instance, a strong willed person might wipe out all trace of this element from his system, if he had to gain something under the guise of being communal. Say, you are not happy with the Secular party for not getting a ticket, you can suddenly start screaming “Hindutva!” , buy a trident , start wearing t shirts with Om on it, beat up a few women, rant and rave about Bhartiya or Hindu sanskriti , and then join the Communal party . But as I said, you need to be strong willed. Spineless, yet strong willed.

1 sJ (Secular-Joule) is the amount of energy radiated by the BBS, to bring about a tiny change in an individual, comparable to secularizing one cell, subject to the condition that the person has not been exposed to communal energies for more than an year. The amount of energy needed to bring about the desired change, is directly proportional to the period and degree of exposure. I think Varun Gandhi can be brought back into the secular fold. Praveen Togadia is a lost case, unless we explode the thermonuclear BBS device.

It has been found, that similar to nuclear radiation, over exposure to the BBS may induce cancerous growth in your body, which will reject everything saffron or some close shade of it. So say bye bye to Fanta, Mirinda, Mangoes, Orange Rasgullas and Halwa-with-Kesar in it. One of the test subjects, who was given a more liberal dose, reacted very violently when a triangular shaped saffron flag was waved in front of him. It was worse than when a bull sees red. (*Brainwave* A new phrase, instead of a “bull sees red”, a “secular sees saffron”). Another test subject with a similar high level of Secularium in his blood stream, who had just helped himself to six large helpings of Spanish paella valenciana, suffered from diarrhea and vomiting, and the team had to struggle hard to save him.

Under the influence of BSS, one might just perceive the world, especially India, into shades of communal and secular. So, one is either of the two, and the rest of the factors be damned. For instance, the junta of Delhi is secular because they voted for Sheila Deikshit, but those of Chhattisgarh or MP are communal as they voted back BJP. Also, the current victory of the UPA is a victory of secularism over communalism, no other variables involved.

The full scope of the BBS is yet to be discovered. One of our scientists, while on a break, put a mini-BBS prototype on a TV. What he observed was that only a certain number of news channels could be viewed, the ones which seem to favour a particular political party of India. What was even more interesting was that the voice and arguments of their famous journalists became louder, stronger and shriller. For the communal one, that might cause an ear bleed, or a brain hemorrhage. The BBS could be a potential weapon, an insidious and deadly one.

The BBS has, as its key components, certain sensors, of a very special kind, the element Secularium, intricate circuitry, and a flawless software. My apologies for not divulging more information. How the hell will it be a black box if you know everything about it? More importantly, the understanding of such a device is beyond your plebian intelligence. By the way, the software was not written by TCS, we will have you know. TCS->Tata->Ratan Tata->Nano->Gujarat, get the drift. Back to the BBS, it is a devious machine. Say, a person is standing near it. This machine sends electrical signals, similar to the ones that are generated in your brain when you think, which produces a thought in his mind. A Sample – Should Afzal Guru be hanged? The BBS then gauges the response from the person, by reading the output, the resulting electrical signals generated. If the answer indicates that the person is communal in nature, the Secularium swings into action. Simple, yet very effective.

The BBS comes in many shapes, sizes and strengths . We might come up with a USB compatible BBS drive , for curing communal bloggers , the author of Orange, for instance.

That's all folks. So far, this product has been a classified one. Soon, we plan to mass produce it, launch a massive media campaign and popularize it. Obviously, the English Media would help us, because they themselves are patrons of Indian Secularism. We hope to accomplish this before the communal forces develop a fully functional GCB (Glass Box of Communalism) prototype. We have come with the name of the company which will be selling this engineering marvel, INC. And please, I know what some of you communal idiots must have thought; INC stands for Indian-Neutralizer-of-Communalism. We are looking for a kickass slogan. If you have an idea, please mail it to secular_till_India_dies@INC.co.in . The winner gets a trip to Italy.

The following is the script of the advertisement we plan to air sometime in the future. All characters in the following idea-of-an-Ad are fictitious. Any resemblance to a person living or dead, is purely co-incidental

Rahul and Varun are two estranged brothers. Due to communal company, and over-saffronization, Varun is dying in a hospital, battling for his life, when in a moment of excruciation, he forgets all his differences, and shouts out a loud and resonant, “Bhaiyyaaaaaaaaaa”. Mean while, our hero, the super secular brother Rahul, is sipping green tea about 37 miles away, when his windows shatter, and he hears his younger brother's wail. He knows what he has to do. With a grim determination, he straps on a duffle bag with a BBS, and kick-starts his Ducati Monster. As he revs the hell out of the bike, he screams out a loud “Main as raha hoon chote”. The crows start cawing, and windows and glass objects, shatter, again. In a flash, he is off. It is a race against time. He rode as never before. He drives through orange orchards, draining the fruits of their juice, and nukkad-jalebi shops, draining the sweet of its syrup. Sanyasis sitting under trees are struck by a sudden de-saffronization of their apparel, reminding one of the many Tide ads. Like a juggernaut, our Ducati-driving-Dude reaches the hospital, and rushes to the ward where his sick cousin (pun intended) lies. He takes of the BBS, and places it on the heaving chest of Varun. And then, they all hold their breath. Varun screams, and then becomes lifeless, the monitor shows no pulse, the sickening sound of death in the air. But, this is India, the land of Hindi Cinema. As Rahul starts staring at the ceiling, and was about to deliver a heavy dialogue for God's benefit, Varun springs back to life. The BBS had done its magic. In a calm and secular voice, with a beatific smile on his face, he says, “Bhaiyya, aap aa gaye”. “Haan chote, tu bulaye aur main na aaon”, says Rahul. And then, Varun avows to sever all ties with anything Saffron and its close shades. They hug tightly, as the clouds make way for the shining sun.

A BBS, to save your dying brother – Expensive (as your brother was very very communal)
A Ducati Monster, made in Italy, to get you to your dying brother – Very Expensive
Bringing back your long lost brother into the secular fold – Priceless

That is the power, of a Black Box of Secularism.

The End

p.s. Do I have to say that this is a satire ? This is my way of protesting against the twisted,perverted version of Secularism that the Political Parties practice . Some make no pretense about not being secular , some claim to be secular and are not and some follow their own brand of it . WTF !

The case for our next PM

Super Blogger and hyper commentator (Is it the right word?), Ms. Awesome Indyeah wrote a kickass post on why she loves Rahul Gandhi. The super vella aadmi I am these days(Thank you Recession), I couldn't help but make some observations on that blog in the form of comments, which got me a few smileys and ROFLs. That inspired me to put them together, and some more in this post. So here it goes. Pardon me for those who have already read and laughed (hopefully) at my comments, some of the points are repeated here. My apologies if my zany humour offends your sense of humour .

(Rahul is in the air, ta ra rum pum, ta ra rum pum, Raaa-hoool is in the air !)

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So , you think Rahul Gandhi should not be the PM , in the near future(2014), eh ?

1. First of all, get off that dope you are smoking, injecting or snorting. It is making you "communal”. Who sold it to you? A guy in khakee shorts? He said he was some kind of a volunteer? Hmmm. Disturbing. It’s getting saffron-er everyday. No wonder you are talking through you black topi, err, I mean hat. You are living in denial. Once you clear your brain of all the saffron cobwebs , you will start seeing day light. That is the first stage of acceptance.

2. Did you even know that geneticists have come up with a fit-to-be-the-PM-of-India gene, and the descendants of Nehru family have it? No kidding! I swear on INC. Apparently, there is a gene for everything. For believing in God, believing in your Nation, and may be, and this is a very wild guess, for being communal as well. On a side note, if the communal gene thingy does come out to be true, then all the sanghies plaguing the landscape of India need your help. The rabid, Hindutva-hailing, minority-haters will have to be cured of this virulent disease. We would have to install giant BBS's in every saffron infested corner of this country. What is a BBS? Dumbass! Claims to be secular and doesn't even know that. How would you know, you bloody MCP (Malevolent Communal Pig)? I will tell you about it in detail later, for the time being, know that it stands for Black Box of Secularism. Enough digressing! So, I dare you not to question why shouldn’t Rahul Andhi, bole to, Gandhi be the PM-in-waiting, just toe the line like everyone else.

3.Rahul baba is half-a-gora. That is half the reason why he should be the PM, the other half being the sur name. And I will tell you why . It is sad, that some of you ARE willing to let go of your colonial hang over. Absolutely pathetic, makes me want to weep. Did you forget the glorious days of our Gora sahibs? The ones who gave us trains, telephones, English, our nation and an inferiority complex. Do not speak of the millions who died during the process (The Bengal Famine). How dare you question the intention of such white, benevolent and magnanimous people, you brown bugger? They did even have to use any fairness cream for their complexion. *The moron gasps in awe* Goras rock, they kick ass! And DO NOT, under any circumstances, let go of that colonial hangover. For the Love of secularism and India, drink some more of that "white" wine. “White English” wine has been found to very beneficial to a brown sahib's health. If your communal-dope addled brain raises any objection, then try some other liquor, anything European will do. If you have anything Indian, it will taste nothing better than tharra (country made liquor); and God knows, that after your West-influenced education, you have no taste for it. Only pseudo-Hindutva-followers drink Indian-made, because the actual-Hindutva-followers do not drink at all. If the booze is not Western (preferably European), you will puke your guts out. So, in short, you just cannot let go of that hang over.Always be willing to acknowledge and accept the fact, that only a White can rule us, for they are way superior . It would be awesome if someone from England could come over, but Italy is not a bad option. May be France as well, we can ask Sarkozy after he retires. I propose a round robin algorithm, with all the European countries, and USA involved.What say you?

4.Terrorism will be done with in 15 minutes in his reign - “I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes," . Terrorism and terrorists , Gone . Poof . It will do the Vanishing Act . Houdini and P C Sarkar would be proud of him . And empower people ? I say we arm them all to the teeth . Get in touch with the NRA , and Kalashnikov-ize the country . That would solve a lot of problems . On a side note , if you remember the day when a crazy Korean killed his fellow students , the NRA had actually said that had every student on that campus been armed, somebody or the other would have shot him soon enough.

5.For his awesome General Knowledge – Gujarat is larger than UK*, said the great man . I do not know whether he implied area or population, or both . I think some one who can shoot out “facts” like these , for some one who has traveled nationally and internationally and is apparently very educated , it is a clear indication . If only BQC had started when he was younger !

6.This is what I hope we will get from his Columbian connection , Weed and Coke. That is marijuana and cocaine . It will surely make some urban voters very happy. Don't you get the connection? How can you, you dope. And I won’t tell you , find out on your own. After all, you were living on non-secular drugs; it will be a while before you realize the merits of brand Columbia. The World knows how good it is. Hollywood swears by it , even Bollywood, you can ask Fardeen if you don’t believe me. Did you even know that Pablo Escobar, the Columbian Drug Lord , was listed as the seventh richest man ? How would that be even possible if his product was not world class? May the good Lord grant this great man some peace. I am looking forward to the movie that is being made on him, so that he can inspire me, and after imbibing a few of his qualities, I may start my own business and never ever code again for a living.

The above are the reasons why he should be the PM. The following are the possible perks I could come up with, when the “Indiano-Italiano” ties are strengthened and given a new dimension by this gentleman.Pardon my loopiness. :)

1. Football. Yes you fool. Football. Italian coaches and players. Our third rate Indian team will get trained by, say someone like Marcello Lippi, and get a chance to play with the Italians in their leagues. They will have a shot in the International arena. I say this, as honestly as possible and as an upcoming football fan, if Rahul Gandhi promises to make this possible, I will vote for him once. And yes, in case the Indian team does not make it to the Top 32, we will be supporting Italy, business as usual(2006 WC France-Italy Final , Congress workers were rooting for apni Italy).

2. Free trips to Italy and other European countries - Why not? All Rahul Baba fans have a right to visit the country, where a part of his roots are from (nanihal). All Sonia Madam fans have the right to visit the place she is from (mayka). Wouldn't you as a fan, of any great soul, want to visit or explore the place that person was born at, raised in or frequented. So why should the fans of the current Gandhi family be denied the same? It would be an almost religious experience, and Ambika Soni can be the tour guide. And while you are in the neighborhood, have a dekko at the other European countries as well. After all, one must know where one's masters came and are coming from. Get a swig, straight from the flask, that hang over will last for a very long time.

3. An IIT and IIM in Italy - May be. Who knows? But it will be cool, huh? I hope the IIM thing happened soon. I am too poor to go abroad for an MBA. This can be the only shot the likes of me can have at getting a phoren education. Yes, I see the obvious flaw, the fly in this ointment, how will I ever make it to an IIM? I don't know, let me try . Will changing my name to Kislay Gandhi do the magic ?

4. God father 4, 5& 6 will be shot in India. An alternative scenario, where Vito Corleone immigrates to India instead of the US, where he fights and conquers the communal forces and establishes a secular yet criminal business empire. Just imagine, you can boast of this to your non-Indian friends, that the new "God-father trilogy was a shot in a India”, with hand motions and an acquired Italian accent(which could become a new fad and replace American). If you have seen Russell Peters, you will know what I am saying. You can also brag about the fact, that a filmmaker can envision a secular criminal empire , only in India. Yes sire . Bery bery sickular ( Try saying that with the Russell-Peters-Indian accent).

5.Cheaper Olives and Italian Food. For once my dream of going to expensive and exquisite Italian restaurants might come true. I mean, wouldn't spaghetti with meat-balls and pene pasta be more popular and cheaply available? I am pretty sure most Congress workers/members will change their diet. I picture myself, seated in Little Italy, savoring Pasta Paprika and sipping Rosso di Montalcino. And your cocktails and desi-italian recipes will never run out of Olives or Olive Oil. My dream of making Vodka Martinis (as James Bond drinks it in Casino Royale, also called a Vesper) the national beverage might just come true.

And last, but not the least by any measure , his name .

His first name is Rahul .Do any of you dimwitted dunderheads even know what Rahul means? My source , is Wikipedia .

a. Conqueror of all miseries, according to some Upanishad. You bet your saffron ass, he is. He will end our miseries by wiping out the Communal forces.Three cheers for Secularatva !

b. The later use of the word is attributed to the Buddha, who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. If Grade a Columbian Stuff does not get you nirvana, and helps you renounce this world , (temporarily), nothing else will. While I am not sure whether he would renounce the world, the new era ushered in by him will ensure that others will have a stab at it , provided the Columbian connection is not lost.

c. Rahul also means Moon, Able/efficient in Sanskrit. We all saw how efficient and able he is, the 21-seats-in-UP feat that he pulled off “entirely” on his own speaks for that. And isn't he cute as a moon? And before you jump to any conclusion, let me just tell you that I am still straight. I say that as a neutral and not neutered observer. The girls (not all of them) do go gaga over him.

His last name is Gandhi .Need I explain as to why is that important, you nincompoop numbskull? Seriously, the dope that those khakee shorts guys sold have fucked you up pretty bad! It is the most powerful name in this nation, quite possibly in the World. And the irony is that original bearer has no idea, how his name has been (mis)used and milked in this country. It happens only in India. By Gawd, something suddenly struck me ! If the scientific community (even the tiny one we have) was steeped in this very dynasticism, can you imagine what would have happened ? The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ?

Rahul bhai, sure is one lucky guy. Good Education, good Looks, greatest possible name, soon will have a great job. I think we can start using the phrase "as lucky as Rahul”.

A possible repercussion of his becoming the PM - Thousands, may be lacs of kids, born after 2014 will be named either Rahul (firtsname) or Gandhi (lastname). I might name my male child on those lines, if a woman agrees to marry me in or before 2012. So, you won't be able to throw a brick without hitting a Rahul or a Gandhi. Get ready for it. What did you say? BJP? Why can't they come to power in 2014? You jackass, how the hell do you think that will happen? They will be almost wiped out by then, a ghost of their former saffron suffused self. *Brainwave* Unless, they rename their party. From BJP to, wait for it , and it is going to be legendary, the BGP. Ha! How is that? *Visible Halo around yours truly*. And I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to me , if you ask me what the G in BGP stands for , I will %@$#^@&%#&@&#&@ !!!!! If you still don't get it, then I think you need a red and burning mark on your cheek , in the shape of a hand . Jai Ho !

*************************************************************************************

This is a satire, if somebody missed on that. I hate nepotism as many other people do, but I do not hate Rahul Gandhi, at least not now. I hate the fact that the helm of the affairs of this country will be handed out to him, way before he actually proves himself worthy of it. That does not mean that I won't support him if he does appear to me as the next Great Indian Leader. Most importantly, he does not need my support,permission or respect , I want him to accomplish things that will make me respect and support him , or any other person who aspires to be the Prime Minister of this country. To all the die-hard dynasty fans, and RG lovers, my apologies, if you were offended. Chicas of the Delhi University who apparently have an orgasm at the sight of RG , please don't curse me that I never have one ( I actually saw a female DU student scream a out loud and quite orgasmic "Rahul ! I love you! " ) . And read Mr. Vinod Sharma's analysis . He has taken into account his past and present actions and statements , which do not paint him in the same light as the very unbiased Media houses in our country are doing .

* Gujarat is smaller than the UK , both area and population wise .

Edited to add : I was wondering about Rahul baba , and I actually want some one to do an exclusive post on him , biographical in nature , and tell me what his achievements have been so far , and where did he go wrong . I want to know why do people think that he is a ray of hope , and good enough to don the PM's robes in the near future. Seriously , what has he done , and this is a question, not a sarcastic remark . And on the same note , if him then why not Priyanka ? Priyanka's interview

Things(supposed to be ten) That Make Me Emotional

This is a tag, by IHM. I was supposed to write about 10 things, in brief, I guess, that make me emotional. But I went berserk and wrote about everything that makes emotional, sentimental, angry and mental. These are the things that make me cry, and make me gnash my teeth.

1. There are 1.15 Billion people in India. That is one huge number. That is one fifth of humanity. If those 1.15 were to even shout in unison, once, it would deafen everyone, maybe trigger quakes. It would not just be a force to reckon with, it would be The Force, with or without nuclear weapons. We are yet to see that day. Prime reason to be emotional.

2. Bharat Mata makes me emotional. A mother who has children, so eager and willing to desecrate her. A mother who is not even considered as their mother by quite a few. A mother who was hacked into pieces once, and if things don't change, will get hacked into a few more.

3. The Political Leaders - Especially when the elections are around. Once in every 5 years you get to see what a wonderful and vibrating democracy you are a part of. The Political Circus cum World War, all gunning for Power. Forgetting the real issues, and making up fake ones. About PM's to be from a list of people, who are too old, too foreign, too meek or too corrupt and uncouth to do justice to it. And the latest addition to this beautiful and bright bunch of desh-ka-netaa’s is our very Gandhigiri-walla Munnabhai, who has lost it, completely. The wife. The Political Party. The Public Speeches. What next? I hope the Late Sunil Dutt jee's soul is at peace.

4. Mahapurush Bhagat Singh and the Other Lost Heroes of India. Chanakya. Swami Vivekananda. Netaji Bose. Aurobindo Ghosh. When we not busy singing and dancing over Gandhijee, who it seems, was the only great person to have been born on this land, we can also try and study these heroes as well, who might have been less in stature but were no less great.

5. Riots - It is not a war, it has no rules, there is no Geneva Convention, and it is just a clash between two groups, no holds barred and barbaric. And it brings shame, infamy, unrest to the country, and power to the corrupt.

6. Secularism, the way it is practiced in India, makes me emotional. The twisted, contorted, I-will-use-it-as-it-suits-me form of it. The Madani and Pragya Singh kind. The Karunanidhi,Vaiko,Raj Thackeray and Varun Gandhi kind . If one deserves the NSA, then so do the others, or at least something similar. No political party is secular. If you ask for votes on the basis of religion, caste or language, or race (Aryan-Dravidian bull shit), how can you claim to be secular? What gets my goat is that some get away with this hypocrisy. This bandying with “secular” and “communal” is funny at times.

7. Aryan-Dravidian, North-South, Illad & Ghati & Bhaiiya and Chinki make me emotional. That people think that North Indians are descendants of Aryans and South Indians are Dravidians . Do I fucking look like an Aryan descendant to any one ? I am 5 feet 8 inches tall. I have black hair and brown eyes. And if I had not been afraid of getting a tan, I would have gone out in the sun more, and been darker. The concept of a race, once again, Western, that has been imposed on the Indian mind. How will we have one race, and by race I mean a group of people with common features. India is so diverse from its tip to toe, and people change accordingly. The Kashmiris will be fairer, and the Keralites will be darker on an average. When the body is subjected to more heat, it shrinks in size, and that could be the reason why the people from Haryana or Punjab are taller. We do not have been one religion, race, or language to be one nation, but one in spirit.

“Race does not make an Indian, religion does not make me an Indian, but history does, and in the long run, it is History which counts” – Ruskin Bond

8. Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan, 26/11 and the entire episode. There was this banner with the images of the brave men who died, and Major Sandeep was one of them. And every time, I looked at it while walking to work, it made me cry. It was hard controlling my tears in public, I used to hide behind my handkerchief and bite my tongue. Every time, without fail. I don't know why, but it seems as if I lost someone who was close to me. Someone I had never heard of, had never seen before, but still was like a brother. That makes me very emotional and sentimental. It makes me cry and wince that He was martyred and his father had to face that AcchuthNandan. The fact that almost 5 months have gone by and yet nothing concrete has taken place. The fact that on 26th November 2010 , a bunch of fools led by Ms. Sar-kha, literally, eat-my-head(I dare not use her actual name, lest I am sued as well) would light multicoloured scented candles for those who died , sing patriotic songs , air this on the 24/7 Crap Spewing News Channels, and then carry on with their lives . And I would wring my hands, curse in the choicest expletives and write another post.

9. Rape, the Indian sex ratio and the plight of Women
Why do men rape? Why do they eve tease? Why do they molest? Why do they resort to acid attacks? Why do they burn their woman for dowry? Why do they want sons alone? Who will those sons marry (if those poor guys become gay out of frustration, may be they will be lynched or ostracized for being so)? Why do they beat their wives? Why do they kill their daughters? What honour does it bring to a man when he takes the life of a woman who is her own flesh and blood? What dishonour does a woman bring to her family when she is the victim of some twisted bastard's uncontrollable lust?

I wonder whether being a father of daughters would be good idea at all. I would rather be childless than raise a daughter in this hell hole of a world .Where at every step, and every moment, you have to be on guard. WTF do we do about it? This world cannot exist without women. The Indian sex ratio suggests that woman kind is a like fast depleting natural resource, and I say resource, because that is the way most of the existing ones are treated like. The subject of family honour, the object of sexual desire and so on and so forth.

I remember reading about the rape of that Girl in Delhi by a gang of 10 or so scum bags, and how incensed and agitated was I. And now you have this TISS episode. I have often asked this question, and never found a real answer. I have often tried to analyse the psyche of a rapist, and never could arrive at a concrete conclusion. And I still cannot fathom, why? Why do men rape? What is it that manifests itself into an inspiration to rape? And if the reason is pent up sexual energy or sexual frustration, then why not go to a prostitute, which inspire of being illegal, is in every nook and corner of the country. And about prostitution, the leaders have all the time to be secular and communal, and preserve culture and language, but they have no time for these women. Even theirs is a lost cause, like the Kashmiri Pundits.

The things I would like to do, personally, to a rapist would definitely get me certified as a psycho. So I won't mention it.

This episode of South Park,Eat,Pray,Queef , sends a very subtle message. It is very disgusting and will gross most of you out, but the underlying message is about the discrimination between men and women. That is the brilliance of South Park. It shocks, and awes. Read the plot, if you can’t bear to watch the entire episode.

10. The plethora of brain dead and stupid TV shows, the 24/7 news channel, advertisements and movies, reality TV - The incredibly stupid advertisements brimming with corniness, the mass of brain-cell-killing movies that is thrown at us in the name of entertainment. Are we brain dead? Do they want us to be brain dead?

The apple of MTV’s eyes – Roadies and Splits Villa! It never ceases to amaze me, as to how dumb can people get. What makes me sad that it is so immensely popular. The kind of young people that participate in it make me even sadder. They are the youth of this country , my peers , my generation . Is the brain a vestigial organ for them, for this Pepsi sponsored Youngistaan ? And I have never come across a stupider coined term . Youngistaan? What the hell is that ! And it seems that the more you abuse and cuss in these shows, the more they get to bleep it and the cool quotient increases tremendously. It all becomes so "real", doesn't it? What the BLEEP!

And the news channels, with their pretentious holier-than-thou anchors. What the hell do they think of themselves? They so clearly are sided with political parties. It seems as if they are running a propaganda campaign of their own. Remember what Karunandhi said about Ram, “Who is this guy? Which engineering college did he go to?” Now let us substitute Karunandhi with Modi and the religious character with Jesus or the Prophet? What do you think will happen? Sarkha, Turdesai and Sadi-garika would go medieval on Modi, or any leader who dares say that. There will be a huge hullaballoo about how intolerant and the communal is the party in question. May be, one of these brilliant anchors might take a telephonic interview of Sarkozy, who will air his views on religious intolerance in India.

Every time I switch on my TV, I find it very hard not to fling a brick at it. The truly idiot box makes me intensely emotional.

p.s. How do I know so much about the dumb shows aired on MTV? Thanks to my flatmates, Anshuman and Ankit (names changed), are stuck to the TV set like moths to a flame, when those shows are on. One of them ogles at the women, while the other cries when their favourite fool is about to get the boot. They metamorphosize into a dumber and shallower versions of themselves!

11. Ramayana and Mahabharata – I have done some research over it, and I think it is a part of our History, and not mythology. It is a very personal belief, and I do not expect everyone to endorse my views. And my research on it is far from over. Even if you don’t consider it as History, it is a part of our heritage and culture. There are so many valuable lessons to be learned from it.

A parallel, I think that would make some sense. Imagine that India, through some stroke of luck, gets a truly great leader, who is popular across the length and the breadth, a leader of the masses, and one who is a good human being as well. Now, the family of this Great Indian Leader is taken hostage by a group of terrorists (who do not belong to any religion). And unless their demands are met, you know what happens. So, what do you think should our GIL do? Should he sacrifice his family for the Nation, or should he take the risk of fulfilling the terrorist's demands, and hope for the best? What would you do? Would you be a great leader or a good husband ?

I think this is the kind of choice Shree Ram had to face, when he had to banish Sita Mata at the behest of a two bit washer-man. But then, that is what Ram Rajya signifies, I guess. The King throws away his own wife, whose purity is unquestionable, to appease one of his "praja”, a mere washer-man. Personally, I would say this to the washer-man, "GFY”. But that does not mean the Ramayana has nothing to teach us. And the same goes for Mahabharata. The injustices Karna and Sita had to face do not imply that all is bad. No, all is well that ends well, and it is not a perfect world. Dismissing these two as mere mythology is not fair. It is quite possible, that Krishna and Ram were not avatars of Vishnu, but just two very great men who walked this Earth. Quite possibly, a few of the accounts could be exaggerated. I think it is history, even if blown out of proportion. I think it is quite possible they had technology; for even Robert Oppenheimer believed so (I had to quote a Westerner's name to make it more credible). Knowledge is cyclic, and not linear. And most importantly, I would rather put a question mark than dismiss it as BS.

12. The Rise of China. It is the single largest threat to India. And we are busy pretending to be secular, gyrating with our ever vibrating democracy, while those Red Devils are heading towards Global Supremacy. We are not even strong enough to be an Asian Power, and yet, every now and then, some educated ostentatious fool would come up with an article propounding how we have become a power or soon will be. What a load of crap. We will never be a power with Naxalite in our yard. We will never be a power with riots and terrorist attacks. And, the worst of all, China might do a 62 again, and we won’t even know what hit us.

13. Regional Parties - There are so bloody many of them. The more they are lesser the chances of a stable government. Each with their own ideology cut-out, their pretence to be secular or communal, their quest for the rights of “their” people. You may think otherwise, but I think it reflects that we are becoming an even more divided society. If only we could have a bi or a tri party system.

14. Saviours /Critics of Hindu Dharma – People who misunderstand and misinterpret Hindu culture, Hindu Religion , Hindu Philosophy and Hindutva(the elements of being a Hindu) , and use it to their advantage to win some votes or popularity , by either pretending to be the protectors or by criticizing it incessantly . I despise both the kind.

15. Religious Intolerance – I am not a kaffir. I am not a heathen. Neither is my religion the best, nor is yours. I won’t convert. I won’t let you proselytize. And never will I ask you to convert to mine. If you believe in God, then I am his child as you are. Even if you don’t, I am still a human, as you are.

16. Humanity. Yes. We, People, the homosapiens, this species make me emotional and angry. "Oooo, we are humans, we cook our food, and sleep on beds, live in houses, use technology at the drop of a hat and speak intelligible languages. We have a societal structure and we are smart. And that makes us better than the rest of species. We are so precious. " . And yet we kill, we murder, we never run out of reasons to fight over, are raping this planet every instance of our existence. Yes, we are intelligent, but what the fuck is that good for? Is our evolution and development in sync with our natural environment? How much of our technology is green? Our pretence of being better than the so called lesser species is farcical, and we should not be allowed to compare the lesser of our own species to animals. You know, phrases like "worse than an animal" or "animal like behaviour”. Animals are way better than us. I guess it is the curse of having a much more evolved brain. It should come with a statutory warning "The actions undertaken by the individual under the influence of this organ may be injurious to the planet”.

17. Casteism - How dumb do you have to be, to engage in a battle over caste? The differences of race and religion are visible, but what about those of caste? You can say that certain castes are forward and certain backward, because of their financial standing, but even that is not the case always. Poverty strikes all. And yet, we vote, we fight, we marry and we socialize on the basis of caste. May be urban India does not do it that much, but this DOES go on in rural India, and not just in the BIMARU states, but throughought the nation.


As IHM said, there are quite a few things which make me angry. And instead of 10, I got 17, so far. :) They make my blood boil and BP soar so much, that at times I think, living in the world as a regular person would make me lose it someday. I should move to the Himalayas, and start my "vanprastha" and take a stab at "moksha". ;) Okay, even if I don't do that, it would still keep me cooler and saner. I guess I have said it all, or rather most of it. So if I die in a terrorist attack or a riot, I would have the satisfaction that I ranted most of it out.

The Obama Deception

The Obama Deception is a movie , made by a guy called Alex Jones , famous for being a conspiracy theorist . I was curious when I saw the title , even more after watching the trailer , and stunned when I started watching it . It is one hell of a shocker . For instance , Obama said that there would be a cap($500,000) on the salary of those executives , whose companies have been bailed out by the Government . The movie says that this rule is applicable for those companies only which are growing and coming up , i.e. no cap for those which have already been bailed out . Apparently , this was in the fine print. This movie is full of whoppers . God knows what the truth is . Just watch it , even if to get a few kicks out of it . Now I shall go , finish the movie , and go gaga over it . :)

Belated WTF

This happened the last year. And I found about it now . Apparently , caste based reservation was just not enough for dear old Arjun Singh jee, he had to do this as well . Although it is a trivial matter , to me it appears to be a reflection of the bickering political mindset . This is the old logo of the Kendriya Vidyalay Sansthan .



And this is the spanking new one , courtsey , the Union Minister for HRD .



Where did the Lotus and the Rising Sun go ? A sane mind wouldn't bother much , but then , I am not sane . :) Why was the logo changed ? Did the old one not reflect the spirit of KVS ?

"But when a board headed by Human Resource Development (HRD) Minister Arjun Singh decides to omit the ‘lotus’ symbol — also the BJP party symbol — from the emblem to enable a “broader reflection of the national ethos”, it’s hard not to see any politics in the act. This new emblem, say officials, was chosen from amongst several proposed by the art teachers of various KVs and after a close selection in which HRD minister Arjun Singh is said to have taken keen interest"

We can't even call it De-saffronisation . The fact that KV's logo had a lotus and a rising sun had nothing to with the BJP , KVS was founded in 1965 , and there was no BJP then .

“'We have retained the Sanskrit motto taken from the Upanishads and that is very much reflective of the Indian culture. The new logo was decided upon after several deliberations and keeping in mind the present spirit of education and the scientific temper and globalization of education besides the changed National Curriculum Framework (NCF) that has broadened horizons and also focused on computer education 'said Dr. U.N. Singh, Joint Commissioner (Academics) - KVs "

By what rationale is the lotus and the rising sun not a part of Indian culture , if a Sanskrit shloka from the Upanishadas is ? I think even that motto could have been stricken off , citing that it does not reflect the secular nature of our country . So what comes next ? Changing its slogan from "Vidya sarvate shobhte" to something stupid in Italian or Latin to please the Mistress ? Banning the symbolic use of lotus altogether , as it is used by their political rivals as a party symbol ?

This is a very small and seemingly insignificant matter , that most of us won't even give it a second thought . But I couldn't help uttering a WTF, albeit a belated one . And given that in a country like ours, where almost everything sparks off a controversy , why did this not ? Why ? I am genuinely very surprised . This is just the kind of excuse any hard-working right-winger would need to create a furore . Was I in a comatose state that I missed the media mention , if any ? And am I making a mountain out of a molehill ? On a side note , what if it had been the other way round , the BJP removing some symbol associated(directly or indirectly) with the Congress ; what do you think would have happened then ?

"Dr U N Singh says that the organisation would rather steer clear of political controversies and pointed out that the BoG had as members not only eminent educationists, officials from various state Governments, directors of both CBSE and NCERT, but also members of the Opposition parties and the logo change was a 'collective decision' arrived at considering the dynamic nature of education."

What if the Minister Sahib had decided to put his foot down ,issued a "farman" that the symbol had to go , and asked his sub-ordinates to cook up a credible enough reason for it . In all fairness , it is quite possible that this was not politically inspired . In all fairness , it is quite possible that I have lost it . But my twisted mind cannot get over the fact that Politics had something to do with it . The way the Congress,the BJP, the Communists etc. are always at each others' throats, no wonder why I cannot digest this easily . It sometimes appears as if they are waging wars against each other , and not against the abstract and the physical enemies of this nation . And elections are around the corner, so it is political World War time . The saddest part is that is that in this war, the face of the enemies within are not clear . A very sad WTF . :(


Image Source - 1 and 2
News Source - Indian Express and Yahoo

An Angry Indian - II

This is partly a response to a comment by Yaamyn on my last post “saveajmalkasab.org”, and partly, my demented droning.

Thank you. I appreciate your candour. But I do not expect my views to be endorsed by anyone. Nor do I expect any empathy from anyone, about how I feel or how badly I am hurt. These are just words; they do not portray my true emotions. I think the friends I live with wonder whether I need psychiatric help or not. One may think that how come an individual who was not even in the proximity of Mumbai attacks or its after effects can feel so bad, but then, that is me, I take it personally. I did not lose anyone personally in this attack , or the countless other attacks in the past 20 years or so ; but I have shed tears , experienced anguish and most importantly , I have lost my fellow Indians , who I foolishly think of as my own .

Maybe, Suzanne Arundhati Roy is a good social activist. She could be the secular humanist that she claims to be. But her latest article is a like the invective of the mother-sister type to my motherland. She has more or less justified the attacks on the Indian soil. And that is my problem. And to be fair, if she is the secular humanist she claims to be, where was she when Kashmiri Pandits were being butchered and driven out of the valley? This is an honest question and I do not know the answer to it. India, at this hour, needs hard-core nationalists, brimming with patriotism, and no other mother-effing "ism" would suffice.

Ajmal Kasab is NOT an Indian. Therefore he should not be defended by one. I bet the law states otherwise, but in the light of what he has done to India, I stick to what I said. Ask the Pakistanis to do it. Or he can defend himself, if no one comes forward. But treat him like the war criminal / enemy combatant he is. That would be FAIR. No Indian should represent him. For me, the legal aid given to Kasab by Indian citizens would constitute an act of utmost disrespect to those who lost their lives. In all fairness, you can be fair only to a limit , a line has to be drawn somewhere .

"The hallmark of an egalitarian society is to provide equal norms and procedures of justice to EVERYONE. Even a Kasab." - It would NOT be egalitarian in the context of 200-400 people who lost their lives. There are exceptions to every rule, and this has to be treated as one .

The fact that some of my fellow Indians object to his not being represented by an Indian is reflection of the sad state of affairs in this country. Even when in dire straits, this nation, which has the hopes of being a superpower, cannot unite and its reaction appears frayed. I strongly feel that those who died are history with just a month gone since that terrible day, and there are many amongst the educated us who are too keen on projecting themselves as democratic and civilized, by making an issue of this. They want to be saints , while all I want is for us to be human , and with the many flaws a human has , say NO , in one loud UNITED voice , to all the goddamned BULL-SHIT that has been going on . I want them to stop being politically correct and learn to call a spade a spade. Quoting Gandhiji and talking about "Truth and Non-Violence" is not good enough. Though I have indirectly suggested that Kasab should be shot like a rabid dog, it is not what I want. That was just a heat-of-the-movement remark. I want him tried, but not defended by an Indian, and then hanged, as he deserves it. I pity the bloody fool, and I pity his accursed parents even more. To be brainwashed to such an extent that one would kill just about anyone, in cold blood. And I often wonder what his parents must be going through. But that does not make me blind to the cold, hard facts that stare you into the face. And I wish people would see that, instead of ranting incessantly about "secularism and democracy" and "truth and non-violence”. And I do not think I have to spell it out for anyone what I am talking about. If you don’t get it, I don’t give a damn. If you do get it and are offended by it, I still don’t give a damn. The others, please, do give a damn!

A thousand curses and eternal damnation to the Antulay’s,Achuthnandan’s and Patil's of India. They reaffirm my faith in the fact that politics has stooped to unimaginably low levels. Ditto to the Roy’s. Does social activism involve cursing your own country and showing it in a bad light to the World? World Citizen my ass! Indian first. One fifth of the entire humanity first. And the way our Government is acting, I feel more like eunuch with each passing day. I pray that I am proved wrong. But then again, the cynic in me says that we will be back to square one soon, peace talks, cricket matches and exchanging artists and culture, and the media will be the co-instigator of this charade. Pakistan will get away with it, and India would have been smelly-middle-fingered again. When a nation could not punish a country as weak and pathetic like Bangladesh for killing and mutilating the bodies of her soldiers, what hope is there? And the BJP was in power in that time. I wonder why “they” did not do anything.

I want peace , and equality , and justice for all , because that is what my "dharma" is all about , BUT , at what price ? The honour of my Mother India? Never! How can I dream about World Peace when my own home is far from peaceful ? We need a Chanakya and "sam,dam,dand,bhed" more than ever . And if you think I am a right-winder as my rants might suggest , let me just tell you , I don't give a fuck about any of the so called "wings" . I am an Indian, a proud, crazy, somewhat jingoistic Indian, and that is where it begins and ends. Long live my Motherland!

"saveajmalkasab.org"

"saveajmalkasab.org" - A web-site dedicated to ensure and safe guard the rights of Mohammed Ajmal Kasab. The plan is still in the pipelines. My inspiration for this proposed website is "saveafzalguru.org”. My twisted mind says that if a man convicted for attacking the Indian Parliament and the death of mere 7 people is still alive , then why not him ? Let me explain. Afzal Guru is a Kahmiri, right (not a Kashmiri Pandit, who gives a damn about them anyways), and he has suffered a lot under the “Indian Occupation forces”. So that eventually led him to plan and execute that attack. So put your imagination to test , and try and fathom as to how much Kasab , and his compatriots must have suffered , being Pakistanis , which has been the” victim of terror” since its inception, that resulted in them getting involved in Mumbai,26/11 ? That is precisely why our fellow sickular, dhimmi and human-rights activist Arundhati Roy , wrote that 8 pages long article, which more or less justifies terrorist attacks on Indian soil. On a side-note, “we sympathize with those who lost their lives, strongly condemn the attack, and reiterate that Terrorism has no religion”(Sorry, but we had to bore you with all this BS to preserve our image). If this poor and downtrodden man is denied his rights and killed in a public like a rabid dog, it would be the gravest possible act of injustice. So I beg of you my fellow Indians , I implore that you not listen to the “right” side of your brain , but your left one . (Linear reasoning and language functions such as grammar and vocabulary often are lateralized to the left hemisphere of the brain. Is that why right-wingers come off as a bunch of fools? ) . Well, I apologize for cracking that insane PJ. I must say that normal, patriotic, "right"-minded citizens of the democratic republic of India may disagree with me on this one, but my fellow sickular, dhimmi and "human"-rights activists will definitely agree with me. And whether you like it or not, there are quite a few of us around. And our voices are HEARD! So :P to all the others , and three cheers to Roy,Haskar and Setalvad. Here is list of my or should I say our(sickular,dhmmi and human-rights activists) demands.

1. To provide him with scrumptious non-vegetarian food , prepared by the best chef's of our 5 star and 7 star hotels . The fact that he nearly destroyed on the best hotels of India , should be overlooked , as it was just a minor part of the Great Conspiracy hatched by some evil men , whose nationality we are not sure of (We hope it turns out to be the Axis of Evil, India-Israel-USA) . To do otherwise i.e. force veggie food down his throat, would be a further violation of "human rights" of this "HUMAN" . It would be tantamount to persecution of a member of the minority group , as vegetarianism is somewhat of a Hindu thing . And if and when , terrorists hijack some plane or the other , and demand his release , how would an emaciated Kasab resume his duties of being the "Butcher" he is ? The hijackers might even scratch the deal on account of this. And handling an Ak-47 on a vegetarian diet , is no mean feat , nearly impossible . Ask any Pakistani, ooops , I mean anyone who has handled one .

2.A narco-analysis , brain-mapping and every other similar test should be conducted on him . God willing , he may say the truth we all are itching and dying to hear : "Fooled you suckers! I am a Hindu born hate-mongering Hindutva-hailing right-winger . The VHP brainwashed me . The RSS trained me . And I am the brain child of the BJP . Three cheers to Hindutva . Long live Hindu-Zionism". Now this is just a wild guess , but if it were possible to borrow that latest technology from the Japanese , and try and read Kasab's mind , I guess the 2 pictures that are bound to come up is :
1 . One saffron Om in his right-side of the brain
2. One star of the David in the left side
(I apologize again for this was a PJ as well)
Which would conclusively prove what our peace loving neighbour's (led by Zaid Hamid)have been saying all along , he is Hindu-Zionist(Remember the sacred thread on his wrist ?) . In that case, my fellow sickular, dhmmi and human-right-activists will drop vociferating for his cause instantly, and let him fend for himself.

On a side note, we are quite willing to overlook, give it a complete miss-in-the-baulk, if he is subjected to third/fourth/fifth, any degree of torture to make him say that the death of Mr. Karkare and the others was not a co-incidence, but a part of the elaborate and diabolical conspiracy hatched by the Axis of Evil .We would still drop his case, but it would make us and Mr.Antulay, ecstatic for sure.

3. To let him enjoy what he was going to enjoy if he had not been captured alive. The 72 virgins! We should first ascertain what his sexual preferences are, and then cater to it accordingly. Personally, I would be glad if it turned out that he swings the other way. India has a skewed-up sex ratio. We can do without having to share 72 of our best and beautiful with Kasab. But then again, as our good old PM said, the minorities have the first right to our resources (even the human resources), so maybe he deserves even more. Make it 144!

4. Legal Aid. Ajmal Kasab is NOT a Pakistani. We still are not sure of his nationality. There is NO concrete evidence in the favour of this argument. Hell, how can the President of a “peaceful, democratic, victim-of-terrorism” nation like Pakistan lie? If he says he is not a Pakistani, then he is NOT. He is NOT an enemy combatant, caught killing the civilians of India, red-handed. He is NOT an enemy alien. How can he be an alien? India and Pakistan were one nation 61 years ago, right ? He is more like our estranged brother, or cousin. He is just a poor, misled, brain-washed youth, who was also hypnotized and drugged by some evil men (hopefully, the masterminds of the Axis of Evil), to spray bullets till he died. He deserves nothing but the very best of Legal Brains of India. And those legal brains, who agree to help him, need not worry about one thing for sure. For the rest of their lives, no matter what they do, they will be hailed as the true defenders of secularism and human rights. As good as getting it tattooed on your forehead. So go for it lawyers.

5. Ban the VHP/BJP/RSS and every other organization related to them. Why are you surprised? I know it is not directly related to this issue, but what the hell, how we can let go of any opportunity for hollering that? And who knows, it is not out of the realms of possibility that they are directly or indirectly responsible for what happened. After all, they are the Devil's own on this planet and in some known and some unknown ways, responsible for every damn thing that is wrong with this country.

By the way, we won't mind at all if this demand is never met. I mean what will my sickular, dhimmi and human-rights activists brethren and I do, if these devils go out of business. Don't you think Superman will get bored if Lex Luthor stops being bad. We angels do need to keep ourselves busy and in the "right" frame of mind. I mean, isn't an empty mind a devil's workshop?



And if the domain name "saveajmalkasab.org" has not already been registered, please ,my fellow sickular, dhimmi and human-rights activists, get it done ASAP. Long live our kind , may our tribe increase, and death to Hindu-Zionism!



p.s. This is a satire, a seething one, if somebody failed to get it. My apologies if my lunatic ranting, my angry diatribe, hurt any Indian’s sentiments’. I guess I have been more disturbed by 26/11 then I thought . And this is the only way I can express my anger and indignation for what has been going on since that ill fated day. I still cannot understand as to how can someone equate Kasab and his kind to a human? Maybe the definition of “human” has changed. I guess the definition of an Indian has changed as well. Mr. Antulay and his kind could be classified as Indians then.

Rang De Basanti

It is one of my favourite movies, and will be so till the day I die. It is amongst the very few motion pictures which brought out my tears, and in no less volume. There was a time when I thought I could cry no more, and then RDB happened. I cried, I cried like a child, and my anguish was real. It was for the loss of one of the greatest sons of India, Shaheed Bhagat Singh. He has been my hero since ages, and nobody can take his place that I have in my heart and head for him. For me, he IS the greatest son of this nation. I have decided to call him, hence forth, Mahapurush Bhagat Singh, the son of this nation. Many a times, the mere mention of his name, the heart wrenching reminder that this nation has almost forgotten him, or reading any anecdote about him has been a stimulus to incite my tear glands. In a poll conducted by India Today to list the 60 greatest Indians so far, MBS got an astonishing 27% vote, which was unequivocally the highest. I say astonishing not out of disrespect for him, but rather for my fellow Indians. But I must say, it was a very pleasant surprise. Even though, I still think India does remember him well because an opinion poll is subject to thousands, at the best. It is not a referendum. Coming back to RDB, I have read many different reviews of it, it has been lauded, lashed at and laughed at. The message of the movie has been the subject of many a debate, and it has been labeled as misleading and wrong. And that according to me is Grade A BS. What the hell is wrong with the message? And why the hell is it wrong? Ignoring the morality and ethics concerned with killing a human being, what is wrong with taking the life of a politician whose only concern is staying in power, at any cost. Why shouldn’t the scum bags who divide and rule, so obviously be put to death? Why shouldn’t these soulless buggers, who resort to any means necessary to save their sorry asses be executed? And why shouldn’t the blood of these mother effing blood sucking traitors flow in the gutters, when the serving the nation is their last agenda ? We have scores of MP’s and MLA’s with substantial charges against them, and quite a few of them were or rather are hardcore criminals. I bet some of them are even involved with the ISI. Isn’t that just great? I am not saying that all of our netaas are bad, had it been so, we would have completely stopped functioning as a democratic nation long ago. But indubitably, there are many. The goddamned media is also partly responsible for the state of affairs. The fourth estate of a nation should be a neutral and an unbiased observer, acting as a watch-dog. Instead, they seem more like pet dogs to me. What munificent praises do they heap upon the politician whose antics and stand up comedy act has made everyone forget his past record. I bet they get their “pedigree” in reciprocation. A few weeks ago, I saw All the President’s Men, which is based on the true story of how Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein blew apart the Watergate Scandal, and initiated the downfall of Richard Nixon. The most powerful man of the planet, the leader of the free world was brought down to his knees by two measly investigative reporters of the Washington Post. It’s a modern day David and Goliath story. And people wonder why America is a great nation. The war on Iraq is no feather in America’s cap, but this certainly is, and it indeed bestows upon it its greatness. In India we have our Tarun Tejpals. And if I am not wrong, wasn’t the government planning on passing a bill which would make the evidence gathered by a sting operation inadmissible in a court of justice. Reservation for OBC’s was not enough, there should be reservation for teachers as well. The next time Mr. Arjun Singh falls sick or needs a surgery , I pray to God that a doctor who has benefited from the reservation system should treat him. I foresee a future when there will be no such thing as a general category and merit would be a synonym for your caste or religion. Had Charles Darwin been born in India, he would have definitely not come up with the survival of the fittest scheme of nature. He would have been ensnared in red-tapism, bureaucratic BS, caste, religion and language based politics, and would have ultimately shot himself. Our nation faces many threats today, internal and external, and I see no leader who can helm the ship. All I see is gutless and spineless. And I wonder, whether this democracy is doing us good or crippling us ? Isn’t a nation comprising educated individuals supposed to be democratic? I will be damned if say aye to communism, the only way I see out is a Hitler, tailor-made for India. A jingoist, who will annihilate her enemies. A dictator who will unleash terror on anything or anyone against India. I am willing to surrender my fundamental rights for a man or a woman like this. My rantings and ravings may sound immature to the wise men of the world, but there is an element of logic, a small morsel of substance in it. The only flaw that I find in what I propound is that where do you get the people to do an RDB, to kill in the name of the nation? Would I be able to do it, sacrifice all that I have and can have in the near future? Rang De Basanti indeed, but instead of painting it yellow, make it red.

Force when aggressively applied is "violence" and is, therefore, morally unjustifiable, but when it is used in the furtherance of a legitimate cause, it has its moral justification. The elimination of force at all costs in Utopian. - Bhagat Singh

An Angry Indian

It seems as if I am losing my identity as an Indian, and the identity borne out of association with a region of India is being forced upon me. Are there people willing me to accept as an Indian first, by virtue of my being on born here, and then label me as per my “attributes”? The ongoing Maharashtra VS North-India spat has shaken my belief in my concept of India as one nation. I chanced upon a forum called Mutiny.in where people were having a very animated and intense debate over this issue. The issue is indeed a very complicated one. Mumbai IS groaning under the weight of so many people. But the migrant workers just cannot be thrown out of the city. The violence used by MNS cannot be justified. The official death toll is still in single digits, but for how long? A street hawker’s arms were chopped off; a man lost his life to stone-pelting. It is foolish to suggest so, but could all this lead to a civil war? The crux of the situation is the fact that if an Indian is not free to live and work in any part of India, it would imply that the rights of the Indian citizen have been usurped. And on a side note, the Pakistanis and the Chinese must be ecstatic over all this infighting. I do wonder why the media is not focusing on the source, the root cause of all this mayhem. The jackasses who have been ruling UP and Bihar for the past 10-20 years. The railway minister who is being hailed by the media like the financial genius of the century, why do people forget that it was under his regime that the state of Bihar was rotting. When asked about why he couldn’t work the same magic with Bihar, his reply was that the state lacked the potential to do so. I can never ever forget that. These politicians, the public servants, the representatives of the poor and the downtrodden deserver a part of the attention, at least. The media should shed some light on these great leaders as well. What else was the poor worker supposed to do? Not just the worker, people from all the classes moved near and far , to foreign countries, to Delhi,Kolkata,Bangalore,Gujerat,Indore and of course Mumbai. I was born and brought up in Bihar, but I studied in Manipal and I most certainly am going to work outside my home state. God help me if I get posted in Mumbai, the way things are, it seems that I will mauled or murdered for being a Bihari. People in this forum were discussing whose state produced more freedom fighters, and whose contribution was more significant, it was absolutely pathetic and ridiculous! And of course, what the hell is North-Indian? Or a South-Indian? I thought I was an Indian. Coming back to the burning issue, this has become one hell of a political circus where nobody seems to be coming up with a realistic, pragmatic, implementable solution. This is just a part of the picture. Apart from unrest in Kashmir and North-East, and the naxalites and the home-grown jehadis, there is a new kid on the block, the armed Gujjar who wants to be treated as a ST. India must be the only country in the whole wide world, where being a part of a community officially labeled as backward has its privileges. The genius, who came up with the idea of reserving seats in the premier institutions on the basis of caste, and not the economic status of the student, has done his country a great service. He has ensured that half of the graduates of these institutions would be sub-standard. He should be given a Nobel Prize for imbecility, if there was one. Why don’t these profound thinkers work on improving the primary education system, why don’t they reserve the seats for the under-privileged in the better schools so that the need for reservation is eliminated? I bet if I could figure out the why part, the epiphany would be nothing less than orgasmic. How hard is it to understand the repercussions of implementing a system, which ensures the admission of a rich kid from a backward caste but denies it to the poor Brahmin? Poverty has no caste or religion, the pangs of hunger are equally excruciating, so is the agony experienced on being denied an opportunity. And how can I forget about the dragon breathing down our neck, China. I do not understand why we fail to see beyond Pakistan, why is the Indian mentality so Pakistan-centric when it comes to enemies. I remember being told to treat India’s victory over Pakistan in WC 2003 as a win in the finals, that it was as good as winning the world cup. We have a history with Pakistan and there is a reason for the enmity. What reason did China have to invade us in 1962? The 1962 Sino-Indian debacle, thanks to political leadership, makes me writhe in agony and shame. It was a war that could have been won, but was lost. An unpredictable enemy is the most dangerous of all. China keeps bullying us, keeps denying us a chance to get a permanent seat in the UNSC, questions our claim over Arunachal Pradesh, but the government wags its head in unison over the Tibet issue for China. Why Oh Why? What is the government afraid of? Another war? Total annihilation of India by China? I cannot disagree that China is a powerful enemy, but is any country in this world powerful enough to make us dance to their tune? Are we a nation that spineless? I sincerely hope I am wrong. I cannot forget the horrendous incident when BDR killed 15 BSF soldiers, and then mutilated their body beyond recognition. Why the hell did a nation like India tolerate a barbaric act like that? What infuriates, incenses and humiliates me the most is that the perpetrator was a poor, pathetic and weak nation like Bangladesh. We freed those ungrateful bastards and this is what we get back. Bangladesh has now become the new breeding ground for anti-Indian extremists. The political establishment of this country seems to be too bogged down by their vote-bank politics to take concrete measures. The 6^th pay commission was nothing but a slap in the face of the armed forces. If the soldiers defending this country do not come first, who does ? The IAS officers ? Or the old farts polluting the Parliament and the Legislative Assemblies ? There is a dearth of more than 10,000 officers in the armed forces . How is this deficit going to be compensated for ? By reservation , I guess ! God save my motherland !

Why sometimes I wish I was an American

The Good, The Bad and The Stupid reasons I came up with in favour of Uncle Sam.

1. The language problem would be solved. The manner in which the English language is spoken in America may vary a lot, but it sure as hell is the same language. It is highly unlikely that if some poor workers from Missouri migrated to California, some son-of-the-soil mother-effing Californian would try and kick them out for their different accent.

2. The American education system, on the school level offers a very pragmatic course which actually is useful for the student. Plus the student has the choice to pursue his area of interest from a preliminary level. And as far as the universities are concerned, they are the Best, according to me. The pure and intellectually stimulating environment offered by the better universities of America would be any student’s dream. The freedom to study subjects completely unrelated to your major is to die for. To be a part of such a beautiful system is undeniably the best reason to be an American. For me, if there is heaven on earth, it is on the campus of a great university like Harvard, Stanford, MIT or UCLA!

3. The American Media has a lot of freedom, unlike poor Tarun Tejpal of Tehelka who had to face hell after his sting operation. The other fundamental rights are fiercely protected as well.

4. Conviction Rate – The crime rate may be high, but so is the conviction rate, between 65 & 80 %, and compared to the Indian one, which is under 10% (for serious crimes), is phenomenal.

5. If I ever were to witness a crime, I would hesitate less in going to the police. In fact, I could also be inducted into the Witness Protection Program if the need arose.

6. I would be immensely proud of the fact the US of A got its freedom by mauling the Brits and kicking some serious Red Coat ass. That would have made me one really happy man.

7. I could legally gamble in Las Vegas, and visit a strip club if I ever wanted to. It feels good to know that you have the option to legally indulge in such activities.

8. The right to bear arms would allow me , an aspiring fire-arm enthusiast to purchase and own a collection of weapons , which would include automatic rifles, semi-automatic rifles , hand-guns and pistols , and if possible a WW II MG 42 .

9. The military might of America is also a good reason to be on that side. Of course, more often than not, it ends up being used for the wrong reasons, but they did stop the German juggernaut during the WW II. Had India been that powerful, maybe the incessant bullying by China would have stopped.

10. I have never been to the US but what I know of it through books, movies and other sources suggests that it is a meritocracy. Nobody can stop from you from going to the top if you are good enough. Your talent, if nurtured will bear fruit. I guess that is one of the reasons it is the Promised Land, the place where your dreams come true, and why people have been flocking to it.

11. There would not be any politicians who spend crores of the tax payer’s money on unveiling statues of themselves to wallow in a false sense of grandeur. There won’t be any politicians who will be cheered and hailed by the media even after destroying a state systematically for 15 years and being involved in a multitude of scams. There won’t be criminals turned politicians who are actually involved with a foreign power’s intelligence agency and are de-facto agents for them. Corruption is everywhere, but the Indian politicians are corrupt on all fronts and have no class at all. Nixon was impeached, Clinton was almost. How many politicians of this country have actually suffered for the crimes they committed?

12. I am bored of all the caste, religion and language related issues. Race would be a lovely change. I may be judged by my race, I sure as hell would not get any reservation for that.

13. I would not live in a country surrounded by three of the best neighbours a country could ever wish for, Pakistan, China and Bangladesh.

14. I could be proud of the fact that America is home to Hollywood which churns out some good ripe stuff every year for the movie buff apart from the usual time-pass crap , unlike Indian Cinema ( or Bollywood) , which mostly produces crap including the plagiarized ones . Indian Film Industry produces the largest number of movies in an year , but I still have a tough time finding a movie decent enough to watch, one which would not make me pull out hair by the roots and gnash in mental agony. I have still not gotten over my Om Shanti Om experience, which lasted about 3 hours. I am pretty sure I lost a few IQ points, so mind numbing it was. A good Indian movie is rare enough. A great movie is even rarer, unless Aamir Khan decides to make one and/or act in it.

15. Buying a really fast car or a bike would actually make sense, because of the excellent roads and the cheap fuel (not so cheap nowadays).

16. The US is 11 times less crowded than India, numerically speaking. America is 3 times larger than India, and India is 3.7 times more populous than America. That gives a factor of 11.When I stand on the roof of my house and look around, all I see is a never-ending concrete jungle .It would be really wonderful to live in a place not swarming with humanity.