Black Box of Secularism

I mentioned something called a BBS in this post, The Case for our next PM . So here it goes , the BS about a BBS !

Black box is a technical term for a device, system or object when it is viewed in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge required of its internal workings. Almost anything might occasionally be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, humans, the Internet, the way political parties in India function and interpret Secularism (I added the last one). The opposite of a black box is a system where the inner components or logic are available for inspection (such as a free software/open source program), which is sometimes known as a white box, a glass box, or a clear box.

Secularism is the assertion that governmental practices or institutions should exist separately from religion and/or religious beliefs. In one sense, secularism may assert the right to be free from religious rule and teachings, and freedom from the government imposition of religion upon the people, within a state that is neutral on matters of belief, and gives no state privileges or subsidies to religions. In another sense, it refers to the view that human activities and decisions, especially political ones, should be based on evidence and fact unbiased by religious influence.

So why is the BBS, a black box? Well, it says it is secular, but you don't know what the hell is going on inside. You expect it to be secular in all contexts and in all the four dimensions, but it chooses its environment selectively. You expect it to be secular, the way secularism is defined, but it follows its own pattern, as if a very highly evolved AI controls it. Unlike the communal forces of India, who are openly communal, it is mystery as to how those who claim to be secular are so? As I said, you don’t know what goes inside the bloody black box. You are not supposed to know. The result is computed on the basis of the input. You have to kill your curiosity about how was it actually computed, and be content with the result.

Being black, it absorbs all the negative communal energy and radiates positive secular energy. The BBS is incredibly effective in blocking out saffron rays. Say, you are getting irritated by the pakhandi baba who is preaching about the benefits of sanyas, perched on a plush cushion in an air-conditioned room, just take out the mini black box. First it will drain the colour out of his robes, and subsequently, his energy. But we must tell you, the designers of this black box were targeting a specific kind of communal crowd. This device absorbs the harmful communal energy emanated by the Saffron brigade only. So if any you thought that air dropping thousands of these over Pakistan or Afghanistan would be the perfect solution, BOO HOO, it is NOT. And neither will it work on the Khalistanis or the aggressively proselytizing Missionaries.

As some we buffoons in the software industry say, “In God we trust, everything else we test”. Even this ingenious device was tested exhaustively, after the development of the first prototype. It was tested on one of the popular leaders of Uttar Pradesh who is, or rather was a key conspirator in the Babri Masjid demolition. To assess its actual effectiveness, it was done without his active knowledge, and lo-and-behold, he turned secular. He switched from a clearly communal party to an absolutely secular party. It was the single-most greatest moment for the Scientists who worked on this project. There have been numerous other success stories as well. One recent incident involved the questioning the circumstances of the death of a super cop, and giving it a Hindutva angle. In this case, certain political leaders, political activists and sections of the media were under the influence. A famous author, who writes about God, small things and how India asks for attacks like 26/11, has had one of her kidneys replaced with a BBS. It is not well known, that a noted film maker who recently came out with a movie on one of the most infamous riots in India, attached a mini-BBS as an appendage to the cameras that were used to shoot the movie. Many political leaders, who rant about what happened in this 02, and forget about what happened in 84, are wearing lockets which have a micro-BBS’s in its chamber. It is quite possible that this could be the reason why the cause of the Kashmiri Pundits goes unnoticed. A key ally of the NDA, which switched sides in the recent elections, did so because a multi-million MW BBS was installed in their party HQ. The terrorist-cum-politician, one of the key suspects in the Coimbatore bomb blasts, was under the influence of the BBS when he apologized for his “misdemeanor”. This is an anomaly, for we did not expect the BBS to work on this kind of communalism .Our other similar attempts have failed, as the design dictates they should (Saffron only). And this is a wild shot, and though it has never been questioned, my gut says the BBS had a role here. Remember the day one of the prominent communal leaders and PM-aspirant in the 09 Elections showered praised on the man who divided India? It could have been the result of the telescopic BBS gun, which is still in its infancy. I have my doubts, but I am willing to bet on it.

While I am not sure, but I think that the communal forces have developed a prototype to reverse the secular and induce the communal effect. This project is still in its experimental stages, and given the rate at which indigenous technology is developed in India, it will take a while for it to be fully successful. Of all the test subjects I am aware of, the only one it worked on was the brother of a politician from Kashmir, who is going to be inducted as Minister in this Government. He, and I heard on this TV, did not disapprove of the Babri Masjid demolition. Yes. Believe it or not. Apparently, places of prayer should not be built upon disputed sites; hence the demolition was actually a favour to the minority community. I concur that the fundamental principle of the device may be right, but the implementation needs a lot more R&D.

Coming back to BS, err, I mean BBS . The key element used in the BBS is Secularium. It has a variable half life, and depends on the object it is acting on. (The half-life of a quantity whose value decreases with time is the interval required for the quantity to decay to half of its initial value). For instance, a strong willed person might wipe out all trace of this element from his system, if he had to gain something under the guise of being communal. Say, you are not happy with the Secular party for not getting a ticket, you can suddenly start screaming “Hindutva!” , buy a trident , start wearing t shirts with Om on it, beat up a few women, rant and rave about Bhartiya or Hindu sanskriti , and then join the Communal party . But as I said, you need to be strong willed. Spineless, yet strong willed.

1 sJ (Secular-Joule) is the amount of energy radiated by the BBS, to bring about a tiny change in an individual, comparable to secularizing one cell, subject to the condition that the person has not been exposed to communal energies for more than an year. The amount of energy needed to bring about the desired change, is directly proportional to the period and degree of exposure. I think Varun Gandhi can be brought back into the secular fold. Praveen Togadia is a lost case, unless we explode the thermonuclear BBS device.

It has been found, that similar to nuclear radiation, over exposure to the BBS may induce cancerous growth in your body, which will reject everything saffron or some close shade of it. So say bye bye to Fanta, Mirinda, Mangoes, Orange Rasgullas and Halwa-with-Kesar in it. One of the test subjects, who was given a more liberal dose, reacted very violently when a triangular shaped saffron flag was waved in front of him. It was worse than when a bull sees red. (*Brainwave* A new phrase, instead of a “bull sees red”, a “secular sees saffron”). Another test subject with a similar high level of Secularium in his blood stream, who had just helped himself to six large helpings of Spanish paella valenciana, suffered from diarrhea and vomiting, and the team had to struggle hard to save him.

Under the influence of BSS, one might just perceive the world, especially India, into shades of communal and secular. So, one is either of the two, and the rest of the factors be damned. For instance, the junta of Delhi is secular because they voted for Sheila Deikshit, but those of Chhattisgarh or MP are communal as they voted back BJP. Also, the current victory of the UPA is a victory of secularism over communalism, no other variables involved.

The full scope of the BBS is yet to be discovered. One of our scientists, while on a break, put a mini-BBS prototype on a TV. What he observed was that only a certain number of news channels could be viewed, the ones which seem to favour a particular political party of India. What was even more interesting was that the voice and arguments of their famous journalists became louder, stronger and shriller. For the communal one, that might cause an ear bleed, or a brain hemorrhage. The BBS could be a potential weapon, an insidious and deadly one.

The BBS has, as its key components, certain sensors, of a very special kind, the element Secularium, intricate circuitry, and a flawless software. My apologies for not divulging more information. How the hell will it be a black box if you know everything about it? More importantly, the understanding of such a device is beyond your plebian intelligence. By the way, the software was not written by TCS, we will have you know. TCS->Tata->Ratan Tata->Nano->Gujarat, get the drift. Back to the BBS, it is a devious machine. Say, a person is standing near it. This machine sends electrical signals, similar to the ones that are generated in your brain when you think, which produces a thought in his mind. A Sample – Should Afzal Guru be hanged? The BBS then gauges the response from the person, by reading the output, the resulting electrical signals generated. If the answer indicates that the person is communal in nature, the Secularium swings into action. Simple, yet very effective.

The BBS comes in many shapes, sizes and strengths . We might come up with a USB compatible BBS drive , for curing communal bloggers , the author of Orange, for instance.

That's all folks. So far, this product has been a classified one. Soon, we plan to mass produce it, launch a massive media campaign and popularize it. Obviously, the English Media would help us, because they themselves are patrons of Indian Secularism. We hope to accomplish this before the communal forces develop a fully functional GCB (Glass Box of Communalism) prototype. We have come with the name of the company which will be selling this engineering marvel, INC. And please, I know what some of you communal idiots must have thought; INC stands for Indian-Neutralizer-of-Communalism. We are looking for a kickass slogan. If you have an idea, please mail it to secular_till_India_dies@INC.co.in . The winner gets a trip to Italy.

The following is the script of the advertisement we plan to air sometime in the future. All characters in the following idea-of-an-Ad are fictitious. Any resemblance to a person living or dead, is purely co-incidental

Rahul and Varun are two estranged brothers. Due to communal company, and over-saffronization, Varun is dying in a hospital, battling for his life, when in a moment of excruciation, he forgets all his differences, and shouts out a loud and resonant, “Bhaiyyaaaaaaaaaa”. Mean while, our hero, the super secular brother Rahul, is sipping green tea about 37 miles away, when his windows shatter, and he hears his younger brother's wail. He knows what he has to do. With a grim determination, he straps on a duffle bag with a BBS, and kick-starts his Ducati Monster. As he revs the hell out of the bike, he screams out a loud “Main as raha hoon chote”. The crows start cawing, and windows and glass objects, shatter, again. In a flash, he is off. It is a race against time. He rode as never before. He drives through orange orchards, draining the fruits of their juice, and nukkad-jalebi shops, draining the sweet of its syrup. Sanyasis sitting under trees are struck by a sudden de-saffronization of their apparel, reminding one of the many Tide ads. Like a juggernaut, our Ducati-driving-Dude reaches the hospital, and rushes to the ward where his sick cousin (pun intended) lies. He takes of the BBS, and places it on the heaving chest of Varun. And then, they all hold their breath. Varun screams, and then becomes lifeless, the monitor shows no pulse, the sickening sound of death in the air. But, this is India, the land of Hindi Cinema. As Rahul starts staring at the ceiling, and was about to deliver a heavy dialogue for God's benefit, Varun springs back to life. The BBS had done its magic. In a calm and secular voice, with a beatific smile on his face, he says, “Bhaiyya, aap aa gaye”. “Haan chote, tu bulaye aur main na aaon”, says Rahul. And then, Varun avows to sever all ties with anything Saffron and its close shades. They hug tightly, as the clouds make way for the shining sun.

A BBS, to save your dying brother – Expensive (as your brother was very very communal)
A Ducati Monster, made in Italy, to get you to your dying brother – Very Expensive
Bringing back your long lost brother into the secular fold – Priceless

That is the power, of a Black Box of Secularism.

The End

p.s. Do I have to say that this is a satire ? This is my way of protesting against the twisted,perverted version of Secularism that the Political Parties practice . Some make no pretense about not being secular , some claim to be secular and are not and some follow their own brand of it . WTF !

The case for our next PM

Super Blogger and hyper commentator (Is it the right word?), Ms. Awesome Indyeah wrote a kickass post on why she loves Rahul Gandhi. The super vella aadmi I am these days(Thank you Recession), I couldn't help but make some observations on that blog in the form of comments, which got me a few smileys and ROFLs. That inspired me to put them together, and some more in this post. So here it goes. Pardon me for those who have already read and laughed (hopefully) at my comments, some of the points are repeated here. My apologies if my zany humour offends your sense of humour .

(Rahul is in the air, ta ra rum pum, ta ra rum pum, Raaa-hoool is in the air !)

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So , you think Rahul Gandhi should not be the PM , in the near future(2014), eh ?

1. First of all, get off that dope you are smoking, injecting or snorting. It is making you "communal”. Who sold it to you? A guy in khakee shorts? He said he was some kind of a volunteer? Hmmm. Disturbing. It’s getting saffron-er everyday. No wonder you are talking through you black topi, err, I mean hat. You are living in denial. Once you clear your brain of all the saffron cobwebs , you will start seeing day light. That is the first stage of acceptance.

2. Did you even know that geneticists have come up with a fit-to-be-the-PM-of-India gene, and the descendants of Nehru family have it? No kidding! I swear on INC. Apparently, there is a gene for everything. For believing in God, believing in your Nation, and may be, and this is a very wild guess, for being communal as well. On a side note, if the communal gene thingy does come out to be true, then all the sanghies plaguing the landscape of India need your help. The rabid, Hindutva-hailing, minority-haters will have to be cured of this virulent disease. We would have to install giant BBS's in every saffron infested corner of this country. What is a BBS? Dumbass! Claims to be secular and doesn't even know that. How would you know, you bloody MCP (Malevolent Communal Pig)? I will tell you about it in detail later, for the time being, know that it stands for Black Box of Secularism. Enough digressing! So, I dare you not to question why shouldn’t Rahul Andhi, bole to, Gandhi be the PM-in-waiting, just toe the line like everyone else.

3.Rahul baba is half-a-gora. That is half the reason why he should be the PM, the other half being the sur name. And I will tell you why . It is sad, that some of you ARE willing to let go of your colonial hang over. Absolutely pathetic, makes me want to weep. Did you forget the glorious days of our Gora sahibs? The ones who gave us trains, telephones, English, our nation and an inferiority complex. Do not speak of the millions who died during the process (The Bengal Famine). How dare you question the intention of such white, benevolent and magnanimous people, you brown bugger? They did even have to use any fairness cream for their complexion. *The moron gasps in awe* Goras rock, they kick ass! And DO NOT, under any circumstances, let go of that colonial hangover. For the Love of secularism and India, drink some more of that "white" wine. “White English” wine has been found to very beneficial to a brown sahib's health. If your communal-dope addled brain raises any objection, then try some other liquor, anything European will do. If you have anything Indian, it will taste nothing better than tharra (country made liquor); and God knows, that after your West-influenced education, you have no taste for it. Only pseudo-Hindutva-followers drink Indian-made, because the actual-Hindutva-followers do not drink at all. If the booze is not Western (preferably European), you will puke your guts out. So, in short, you just cannot let go of that hang over.Always be willing to acknowledge and accept the fact, that only a White can rule us, for they are way superior . It would be awesome if someone from England could come over, but Italy is not a bad option. May be France as well, we can ask Sarkozy after he retires. I propose a round robin algorithm, with all the European countries, and USA involved.What say you?

4.Terrorism will be done with in 15 minutes in his reign - “I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes," . Terrorism and terrorists , Gone . Poof . It will do the Vanishing Act . Houdini and P C Sarkar would be proud of him . And empower people ? I say we arm them all to the teeth . Get in touch with the NRA , and Kalashnikov-ize the country . That would solve a lot of problems . On a side note , if you remember the day when a crazy Korean killed his fellow students , the NRA had actually said that had every student on that campus been armed, somebody or the other would have shot him soon enough.

5.For his awesome General Knowledge – Gujarat is larger than UK*, said the great man . I do not know whether he implied area or population, or both . I think some one who can shoot out “facts” like these , for some one who has traveled nationally and internationally and is apparently very educated , it is a clear indication . If only BQC had started when he was younger !

6.This is what I hope we will get from his Columbian connection , Weed and Coke. That is marijuana and cocaine . It will surely make some urban voters very happy. Don't you get the connection? How can you, you dope. And I won’t tell you , find out on your own. After all, you were living on non-secular drugs; it will be a while before you realize the merits of brand Columbia. The World knows how good it is. Hollywood swears by it , even Bollywood, you can ask Fardeen if you don’t believe me. Did you even know that Pablo Escobar, the Columbian Drug Lord , was listed as the seventh richest man ? How would that be even possible if his product was not world class? May the good Lord grant this great man some peace. I am looking forward to the movie that is being made on him, so that he can inspire me, and after imbibing a few of his qualities, I may start my own business and never ever code again for a living.

The above are the reasons why he should be the PM. The following are the possible perks I could come up with, when the “Indiano-Italiano” ties are strengthened and given a new dimension by this gentleman.Pardon my loopiness. :)

1. Football. Yes you fool. Football. Italian coaches and players. Our third rate Indian team will get trained by, say someone like Marcello Lippi, and get a chance to play with the Italians in their leagues. They will have a shot in the International arena. I say this, as honestly as possible and as an upcoming football fan, if Rahul Gandhi promises to make this possible, I will vote for him once. And yes, in case the Indian team does not make it to the Top 32, we will be supporting Italy, business as usual(2006 WC France-Italy Final , Congress workers were rooting for apni Italy).

2. Free trips to Italy and other European countries - Why not? All Rahul Baba fans have a right to visit the country, where a part of his roots are from (nanihal). All Sonia Madam fans have the right to visit the place she is from (mayka). Wouldn't you as a fan, of any great soul, want to visit or explore the place that person was born at, raised in or frequented. So why should the fans of the current Gandhi family be denied the same? It would be an almost religious experience, and Ambika Soni can be the tour guide. And while you are in the neighborhood, have a dekko at the other European countries as well. After all, one must know where one's masters came and are coming from. Get a swig, straight from the flask, that hang over will last for a very long time.

3. An IIT and IIM in Italy - May be. Who knows? But it will be cool, huh? I hope the IIM thing happened soon. I am too poor to go abroad for an MBA. This can be the only shot the likes of me can have at getting a phoren education. Yes, I see the obvious flaw, the fly in this ointment, how will I ever make it to an IIM? I don't know, let me try . Will changing my name to Kislay Gandhi do the magic ?

4. God father 4, 5& 6 will be shot in India. An alternative scenario, where Vito Corleone immigrates to India instead of the US, where he fights and conquers the communal forces and establishes a secular yet criminal business empire. Just imagine, you can boast of this to your non-Indian friends, that the new "God-father trilogy was a shot in a India”, with hand motions and an acquired Italian accent(which could become a new fad and replace American). If you have seen Russell Peters, you will know what I am saying. You can also brag about the fact, that a filmmaker can envision a secular criminal empire , only in India. Yes sire . Bery bery sickular ( Try saying that with the Russell-Peters-Indian accent).

5.Cheaper Olives and Italian Food. For once my dream of going to expensive and exquisite Italian restaurants might come true. I mean, wouldn't spaghetti with meat-balls and pene pasta be more popular and cheaply available? I am pretty sure most Congress workers/members will change their diet. I picture myself, seated in Little Italy, savoring Pasta Paprika and sipping Rosso di Montalcino. And your cocktails and desi-italian recipes will never run out of Olives or Olive Oil. My dream of making Vodka Martinis (as James Bond drinks it in Casino Royale, also called a Vesper) the national beverage might just come true.

And last, but not the least by any measure , his name .

His first name is Rahul .Do any of you dimwitted dunderheads even know what Rahul means? My source , is Wikipedia .

a. Conqueror of all miseries, according to some Upanishad. You bet your saffron ass, he is. He will end our miseries by wiping out the Communal forces.Three cheers for Secularatva !

b. The later use of the word is attributed to the Buddha, who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. If Grade a Columbian Stuff does not get you nirvana, and helps you renounce this world , (temporarily), nothing else will. While I am not sure whether he would renounce the world, the new era ushered in by him will ensure that others will have a stab at it , provided the Columbian connection is not lost.

c. Rahul also means Moon, Able/efficient in Sanskrit. We all saw how efficient and able he is, the 21-seats-in-UP feat that he pulled off “entirely” on his own speaks for that. And isn't he cute as a moon? And before you jump to any conclusion, let me just tell you that I am still straight. I say that as a neutral and not neutered observer. The girls (not all of them) do go gaga over him.

His last name is Gandhi .Need I explain as to why is that important, you nincompoop numbskull? Seriously, the dope that those khakee shorts guys sold have fucked you up pretty bad! It is the most powerful name in this nation, quite possibly in the World. And the irony is that original bearer has no idea, how his name has been (mis)used and milked in this country. It happens only in India. By Gawd, something suddenly struck me ! If the scientific community (even the tiny one we have) was steeped in this very dynasticism, can you imagine what would have happened ? The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ?

Rahul bhai, sure is one lucky guy. Good Education, good Looks, greatest possible name, soon will have a great job. I think we can start using the phrase "as lucky as Rahul”.

A possible repercussion of his becoming the PM - Thousands, may be lacs of kids, born after 2014 will be named either Rahul (firtsname) or Gandhi (lastname). I might name my male child on those lines, if a woman agrees to marry me in or before 2012. So, you won't be able to throw a brick without hitting a Rahul or a Gandhi. Get ready for it. What did you say? BJP? Why can't they come to power in 2014? You jackass, how the hell do you think that will happen? They will be almost wiped out by then, a ghost of their former saffron suffused self. *Brainwave* Unless, they rename their party. From BJP to, wait for it , and it is going to be legendary, the BGP. Ha! How is that? *Visible Halo around yours truly*. And I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to me , if you ask me what the G in BGP stands for , I will %@$#^@&%#&@&#&@ !!!!! If you still don't get it, then I think you need a red and burning mark on your cheek , in the shape of a hand . Jai Ho !

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This is a satire, if somebody missed on that. I hate nepotism as many other people do, but I do not hate Rahul Gandhi, at least not now. I hate the fact that the helm of the affairs of this country will be handed out to him, way before he actually proves himself worthy of it. That does not mean that I won't support him if he does appear to me as the next Great Indian Leader. Most importantly, he does not need my support,permission or respect , I want him to accomplish things that will make me respect and support him , or any other person who aspires to be the Prime Minister of this country. To all the die-hard dynasty fans, and RG lovers, my apologies, if you were offended. Chicas of the Delhi University who apparently have an orgasm at the sight of RG , please don't curse me that I never have one ( I actually saw a female DU student scream a out loud and quite orgasmic "Rahul ! I love you! " ) . And read Mr. Vinod Sharma's analysis . He has taken into account his past and present actions and statements , which do not paint him in the same light as the very unbiased Media houses in our country are doing .

* Gujarat is smaller than the UK , both area and population wise .

Edited to add : I was wondering about Rahul baba , and I actually want some one to do an exclusive post on him , biographical in nature , and tell me what his achievements have been so far , and where did he go wrong . I want to know why do people think that he is a ray of hope , and good enough to don the PM's robes in the near future. Seriously , what has he done , and this is a question, not a sarcastic remark . And on the same note , if him then why not Priyanka ? Priyanka's interview