Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bhaartiya Naari

It is 2111 AD. India is the largest economy in the world. It is also the most populous nation, overtaking China decades ago. But, sadly the sex ratio is skewed beyond imagination. There are now only 100 women to every 1000 men. Even though 25% of men are homosexuals and legally married to another 25% of them, that still leaves around 400 men desperate for a mate,  for every 1000 of them. To cater to this huge market, Manav Technologies,  a Bio-engineering firm, has come up with a revolutionary product, engineered to perfection, designed to satisfy the Indian male. 

In a huge auditorium, in front of 500,000 eagerly anticipating men, the CEO and founder of Manav Technologies, Mr. Manav Chandra Parameshwar, unveils a product even Apple would be envious of. They have already booked 50 million pre orders for it. 

MCP : Gentlemen. Tonight, is the night. Your wait is over. I apologize for the delay, but you can’t come up with a product like this that easily. 

(The crowd goes wild, cheers enthusiastically)

MCP : I give you, the “Bhaartiya Naari” !

( 3 BN’s walk on the ramp . They look like supermodels. The guys go crazy ) 

MCP : Now now, gentlemen. Calm down. I know you all want to play, but will you have to wait for your BN’s. I know you did not have to wait long for your iPad, but this is way better than any tablet, or gadget you know.

( As the crowd subsides, the stage is prepared for a QNA . Journalists from all leading media houses get ready to shower the CEO with questions )

Journalist : You say that the BN is better any gadget, can you tell us why?

MCP: (Sniggers) That is a very obvious question. Does she look like any gadget to you, although we do plan to market the BN as one ( winks, and laughs at his own joke) . These ( pointing to the 3 BN’s who haven’t stopped smiling ) are living breathing human beings. But they have been engineered to be what most Indian men want her to be. She can talk. She can cook. She can jump into the bed whenever you want her to. She can think to a level decided by you. She can clean, sew and do a host of other things. And the best part is , she can’t nag, whine or cry, ever. How great is that?

(The crowd gasps. The journalist shuts his gaping mouth after a few seconds)

Journalist : That is incredible Sir, if what you claim is right. Tell me more. Why are the 3 women so fair? Don’t you have any models in darker shades?

MCP : (Laughs out loudly) Which country are you from Sir? 

( The crowd laughs at the joke)

We are currently offering 3 skin shades that is fair, Kashmiri fair and Caucasian fair. We absolutely do NOT cater to the market seeking wheatish or brown skin tones. And there is NO market for any darker shades. One huge advantage of our product is that their fairness level never falls throughought their lifetime. So there goes the expense of applying fair creams and lotions.

( A collective sigh of relief is heard ) 

 Journalist (a little fazed) : Can the models be of any desired height? What about hair color and length? 

MCP : The dream woman comes in 3 standard heights , 5’2 , 5’4 and 5’6 , given the average Indian male is 5’6’’ tall and has a fragile ego. For the unusually tall men, taller models can be availed at a request for customization. We offer many different shades of hair colors, but only 3 different kinds of hair lengths. We have designed the hair in a way that won’t need any shampoos or conditioners and will be strong and shiny forever. So there goes the need for shampoos and conditioners. Is the BN a money saver or what? 

(The crowd cheers, again) 

Also, the hair lengths have deliberately kept long, the shortest being a feet long, so that you can grab her by the hair easily and land her a few juicy ones whenever you are frustrated. We do try and cater to all the needs of our customers, you know. 

(The crowd gasps in amazement , and then cheers )

 Journalist: About the last part, Sir. How abuse resistant is the model? How much can she take?

 MCP: Oh, don’t you worry about that. You can kick, slap and punch as much as you want. Remember I told you she can’t cry, whine or nag. Well, she can’t a file a complaint either. Remember Assimov’s law for Robots( and winks again) . More importantly, these domestic abuse laws are applicable on real women, not genetically engineered ones. (Laughs, and so does the crowd) Well, if you are too rough on her and she does get a little bent or out of shape, just send her to our service stations and we will fix her up in no time. In fact, the first 3 are absolutely free. 

(The crowd cheers, and claps)

Journalist: What other great features does the BN have ?

MCP: Oh many. One cool feature is that the BN is programmable. You can program her to carry out your instructions to the letter. And no, you don’t need to learn Java or C++, even though half the country already knows it. You can program the BN using voice instructions. Say, you want your BN to take your bag when you are back from work, get you out of your work clothes, get you in your casual wear, give you a chilled beer and snacks, switch on the TV for you and massage your feet while you watch it, you just need to say so, in the language you speak. As in, “ every day, after I come from work, do so and so” . You see, it is so simple. We pride ourself on the user friendliness of our product.

Journalist : You claim that the BN is a human, a female? Is it capable of reproduction? 

MCP : She is as female as one can get, designed for red blooded male ( and winks ) As far as reproduction is concerned, the BN does better than that. It is not just capable of reproduction, it has been designed for selective reproduction. I mean, who the hell wants a woman who gives birth to children of both sexes? ( The crowd laughs) If that were the case, Thailand would not have built its economy on those baby boy labs. The BN is a boys only mother. Let me explain how it works. 

When you get a BN, a tubectomy is performed on it before it is delivered to you. So that you don’t have to bother with a condom every time you have sex. The BN does not have a normal menstrual cycle. For all practical purposes , it is turned off. The hormone level stays uniform, preventing any discomfort to you that could have been caused otherwise. When you are ready to bring your heir on Earth, just send the BN to our service stations, where we activate the procreative function. Now that she is ready to receive your blessed seed, just keep doing what you usually do. If and when , a female foetus is formed, it is auto aborted, and you won’t even have to hear or worry about it. In time, you will be proud father of a boy. Isn’t that genius? Now, nobody can blame you for not fathering a son!

Journalist: (Eyes wide open) But how is that possible? This is unbelievable!

MCP : ( Laughs condescendingly ) Why don’t we just give you the complete design of the BN? Then you can figure it all out. 

(Laughs , and the crowd goes crazy ) 

Journalist : ( Pretending to be unfazed ) So what else can the BN do ? 

MCP : Well, she knows cooking, cleaning, knitting, sewing etc. She can take care of the children and the elderly with ease. She can walk your dog and do your laundry. And she is well versed in Vatsayana’s legendary book. Guaranteed satisfaction. 

( Thunderous applause from the crowd ) 

And, when you get tired and bored of your old model, she can be exchanged for a brand new one. 

( Standing ovation for the CEO , people are clapping without a pause ) 

MCP : ( Trying to look modest, but can’t stop grinning like an ape ) That’s all Gentlemen. We have tried our best to satiate your ego. We look forward to your feedback. Enjoy the Bhartiya Naari. 

( When the dust finally settled 2 men, talking amongst themselves, as they leave the auditorium. )

Guy 1 : Wow. Manav Tech has finally accomplished what Men have been attempting throughout human history, the total objectification of women. Seriously, this guy has done a great service to Man kind. He should be given a Bharat Ratna. I can’t wait till I get mine. 

 Guy 2 : You Lucky bugger! What do I do? I am stuck with that whore, my not-perfect-at-all human wife. How the hell do I get rid of her, and get a BN of my own? But seriously, I second you. Three cheers to Mr. MCP. He is my new role model . 

Guy 1 : Why don’t you try for a job in Manav Tech? You have years of product testing experience, don’t you? And just imagine, the different ways in which you get to test the BN, if you know what I mean . 

( And the two men laugh boisterously )

p.s. This is a satire, just in case some one missed that.