Monday, August 24, 2009

Miss Universe

And the new Miss Universe is, hold you breath, and wait for it, Miss India . Hell yeah, sadi chori , Ekta Chaudhary , from India . And a nation of 1.2 Billion erupts with joy . News channel go crazy . Sarkha, Turedesai and their ilk go berserk . PFBS(People full of BS , i.e. Bhartiya Sanskriti) are ecstatic , as they will be invited to dozens of debates hosted by pompous TV anchors , where the topic would be  - "The intricate relationship between Beauty Pageants and Indian Culture and their effects ( ill and otherwise) on the Socio Economic factors contributing to the stability of Modern Indian Society" . Indra Dev is pleased . He is wondering how to woo this apsara to convince her to join his entourage . And it starts raining , ending the drought in parts of our country . Swine Flu patients bounce back to health , as the sudden patriotic surge gave their immunity a much needed boost . A visibly humiliated China, whose contestant could not even make it to the semi final round , drops its plans to surround India with naval bases , and instead , sends a request to the Indian Embassy requesting assistance in increasing the per capita Beauty Quotient . The top brass of the country's most popular brand of fairness cream, The Fair and The Idiot , are gleefully rubbing their hands, their sales sky rocketed , in just one night . "Super Blogger" Kislay, with tissues in his left hand, tears of joy in his both eyes,furiously starts typing with his right hand, composing a 7628 word long post, on how this inspiring moment is going down in the annals of History, and how will it the change the course India takes. Annu Bhai is listening to Iron Maiden , for the movie that will be soon coming out starring the new Miss Universe , needs to have a heavy metal inspired background score , so said KJo  to him . Himesh Bhau gets the encouragement and inspiration he was looking for, to contest in Mr. Universe. The grandiose members of the grand old party of India, congratulate each other , Sonia jee and Rahul jee, and stake a claim , in this awe inspiring achievement by a fellow Indian . The media is a little stumped, as to how can they can they label this victory , as one of Secularism over Saffron Fascism , and taunt the BJP . But wait , they are in a mess of their own right now, so let them stew in it for a while. And little and not-so-little girls all over the country , start using cosmetics , think about designer dresses , and practice their "look of utter bewilderment when they are crowned" , as they dream of becoming Miss Muzzaffarnagar Municipality -> Miss Tiruvanathapuram ->Miss Chhattisgarh -> Miss Rupa(Briefs&Vests) India -> Miss Universe(Only for Planet Earth) ! So that , one day , when the country is struggling , and battling as usual , for its existence , they will solve all its problems , by winning a beauty pageant. At least for a while .

So you can imagine how devastated and heart broken I was , when a bored friend casually mentioned that Miss Venezuela ( or did I see it in the daily rag I subscribe to ? ) won the contest . Never mind . We will win it the next year , when our beloved brothers from across the border will be back in action , after a reinvigorating vacation ( courtesy , the GoI ) , and start bombing the shit out of us . Yep . I think so . What do you think ?





p.s. A possible outcome of the Miss Universe/World/Earth/India/Nukkad/Mauhalla/Khet/Khalihan/Municipality contests – I assume that all of these bright and beautiful ladies do wish for “World Peace” . Well, the Gods in the heavens above , might grant them their wish , if they asked for it just after the swim suit round . I would , if I was God . No kidding ! And I bet the soul of Alfred Nobel must be wondering “ Did I miss out on something ? I mean , Math was not practical enough for a prize , but Beauty ? Hmmm . I hope the dudes in charge of my moolah think of this soon enough and introduce a Nobel Beauty Prize . It would shoot the TRP of the ceremony as well , if its aired ” .




p.p.s. No disrespect intended towards the lady who represented India . The satire is directed at everything but her .

34 comments:

Vinod_Sharma said...

Good one Kislay! The Gods might grant their wishes after the swim suit round, but not you, I think...dissolving bikinis have been invented. They dissolve after few seconds in water...that will help the Lord Varun in you to see their "inner beauty"!

Kislay said...

@Vinod Sharma
Thank you Sir . I think I will . I am human , after all . And my twitter handle is " A Shy Carnal Kid " . :D

ramblingsbybones said...

Kislay - a good one...
I like your the title of your twitter handle - whatever that is...

Kislay said...

@Bones
Thanks . My twitter handle is actually an anagram for my name, Kislay Chandra -> A Shy Carnal Kid

mesoliloquy said...

Ha..ha..ha. good one Kislay Don!
As always sardonic king.

Hey! did know that your twitter handle is anagram of your name. :)

Kislay said...

@Don Solilo
Thank you . :) I use aShyCarnalKid as my Orkut screen name as well .

indianhomemaker said...

An anagram of your name!!! Brilliant Kislay! :)

And true Kislay, we Indians do get emotional about everything, cricket, Oscars,and Beauty Pageants too :)

Vinod_Sharma said...

You don't need an anagram to tell us what your "handle" is. Your name says it all! No? Kiss...Lay!

Mridul said...

Kiss and Lay? That sounds very familiar :D

Your post is dripping with sarcasm! While there are a few good things that a pageant on so grand a scale does, on the whole, it's quite brain dead. Kind of reminds me of our reality TV shows.

Kislay said...

@Vinod Sharma
:D I have heard a lot of that before . Kiss & Lay . A female class mate of mine actually said this in jest - "Kislay, I want to kiss you and lay you " .
@IHM
Thanks . Apne desh mein to har cheez ka tamasha banta hai .
@Mridul
Thanks . Whether it is brain dead or not is not a big issue . There is just too much song and dance over any damn thing here .

Vinod_Sharma said...

You obviously did neither...A shy carnal kid you indeed are.

BK Chowla said...

Great.I like the way you say you never meant any disrespect .....
Well,Ms Choudhary is the granddaughter of the first CM of Delhi..Choudhary Brahm prakash

Kislay said...

@Vinod Sharma
:D
@B K Chowla
I didn't know that . Thank you Sir .

Mridul said...

Well of course it will be. This is India. We make a song and dance about everything! Highly passionate and many a times, over dramatic :D

Anrosh said...

tongue in cheek masters award goes to the blogger - kislay chandra.

boy, you make me lol that the person in the adjoining room has to ask - what are you reading

manju said...

Like Anrosh, I'm laughing to myself, too!

Nobel Beauty Prize- Probably will happen, sooner or later!

J P Joshi said...

A post dripping with humour so sarcastically expressed and so apt that makes one wonder if we do have the right priorities as a people. This is so representative: "PFBS(People full of BS , i.e. Bhartiya Sanskriti) are ecstatic , as they will be invited to dozens of debates hosted by pompous TV anchors , where the topic would be - "The intricate relationship between Beauty Pageants and Indian Culture and their effects ( ill and otherwise) on the Socio Economic factors contributing to the stability of Modern Indian Society" . Indra Dev is pleased . He is wondering how to woo this apsara to convince her to join his entourage . And it starts raining , ending the drought in parts of our country . Swine Flu patients bounce back to health , as the sudden patriotic surge gave their immunity a much needed boost" .

Kislay said...

@Mridul
Bang on .
@Manju
Glad to know that . :)
@Anrosh
Did someone really do that ? If you did lol , then ye for me . :D
@JPJ
I don't think we even have priorities Sir .

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Winnie the poohi said...

Biting :D :D

Charakan said...

Good one Kislay I share your views on beauty contests .

Kislay said...

@Winnie and Charakan
Thank you and Thank you

Chrysalis said...

LOL... Miss Universe only for Planet Earth ..
Maybe these beauty contestants should be asked to run the world Universe etc. their love for children/old/environment/education/world peace tell us that they are visionaries indeed....I wonder if they suffer from amnesia though...as soon as the contest is over instead of working for world peace we see them doing the rounds of the Film Producers/Directors offices.
So much for honesty and saying how it is .....
The bit about every lil girl, role playing Miss Universe is NIGHTMARISH!!!

Kislay said...

@Chrysalis
Hell yeah . I guess most of them forget about it . Amnesia must be an occupational hazard .

destinationinfinity said...

Nice witty post. I think the Indian cosmetic companies have not done 'enough work' this year!

BTW, you have been tagged on the topic 'Fast Furious and Danceable songs' - try to do it if you find time.

Destination Infinity

Kislay said...

@DI
Absolutely . That is why Venezuela got it . I will try and do the tag . :)

Imp's Mom said...

lol... good one!

ur twitter handle is an anagram of ur name... really neat!

Kislay said...

@Imp's Mom
Thanks . The credit goes to Internet Anagram Generator :)

wordsndreamz said...

That was hilarious, Kislay!

Nobel Beauty Prize is classic! That's just what we need :)

Your twitter handle is sure interesting:)

Kislay said...

@Smitha
Thanku :)

PRG said...

To find beauties as flat as flounder
and ask them to sashay in their swimwear
pick one as winner and then crown her
to her astonishment as her eyes go wide in wonder
and the whole nation goes asunder
& say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Kislay nice post :)

Mavin said...

OMG...that was a heavy dose of satire. Ripped the hell out...
Great post and made me think with a smile....what if????

Sadly Ekta lost her way and China continues to aggressively encircle India.

A Shy Carnal Kid and Vinod's repartee was excellent.

Kislay said...

@PRG
Nice poem . :)
@Mavin
Thanks . The intent was so . :)

indyeahforever said...

:D:D:D a lil late here but have to utter what I usually do :D:D


BRILLIANT!:D:D

I keep wondering if you will ever run out of things to write satires about..but then I think...heck! this is India! ya think?:D:D

twitter handle? ah! should have known(though I didnt:P) that name always but always got my curiosity levels wayy up there :D:D
meant to ask you about it and now I know:))))



(yep! read the post earlier too when you had just posted it but couldnt comment then..)