Saturday, August 29, 2009

My sentiments have been hurt

Christians in Ferozepur violently protest against the use of napkins with a Cross on it .

Hindu priests are mad at Vishal Bhardwaj , for in his latest movie Kaminey , there is scene in which "Apna haath jaganaath" is written on a door, with a picture of a scantily clad girl next to it . It hurt their religious sentiment .

My sentiments have been hurt as well

I would like a ban on Khuswant Singh and all his books, specially The Company of Women . Why ? How dare you ask me ? Is it not enough that he was written a story about a man who just doing it, left, right and center ? I mean, what about my culture ? Promoting promiscuity, is what it is. But if that is not good enough for you, I will give you one concrete reason. The name of the character, the guy who has sex with so many woman and ultimately dies of AIDS, is Mohan Kumar. You still don't get it ? . Mohan is one of the names of our Lord and Saviour, Shree Krishna. Khushwant Singh , has taken a shot at an avtaar of the Vishnu, the Preserver, and this is not acceptable under any circumstances. I want a ban ! My sentiments have been hurt! So what if I read the book 3 years ago ? It took me some time to realize that his book actually intended to hurt Hindu sentiments. But better late than never. So give me my ban, or else you know what happens.

And this was a teaser . What follows , is the movie .

I have decided to protest against all of humanity for desecrating two of my Gods , namely Vayu , the Lord of Winds and Varuna , the God of Oceans . Humanity , on a daily basis uses air and water , the way they want , and more often than not, they end up polluting it . We ingest air and water , we release it out of our system through the process of excretion , we spit , gargle and break wind . Our cars and our factories pollute. We pollute it when we smoke. We pollute when we are done with our morning ablutions. It is all so insulting and derogatory . It is desecration. It is absolute blasphemy . Therefore, I want a ban on the use of air and water , by humans . Every time, when I see some one wash his dirty hands with water, or hear some one burp loudly after a heavy meal, it makes my blood boil. My religious sentiments have been hurt, and I want this ban to be imposed asap..I am a citizen of secular and democratic republic, and justice can not be denied unto me. I rest my case . And mind you, I chose just two. If I had done my research properly, I am pretty sure the list would have been much longer.

By the way , my sentiments were NOT at all hurt when a 10 year old girl was beaten black and blue, and burned by a TV actress . I mean, who cares. Why the fuck should any one care ? Does it say anywhere in any holy book, explicitly , that “Soap opera stars can not hire 10 year old girls as maids and not hit them or burn them if they are caught eating” ? Does it ? Nope, I don't think so .

I know, I know. Another satire. But what can I do, when life around me appears as a big joke? I promise the next post will definitely not be a satire, unless, Behenji decides to have a swayamvar of her own.

p.s. Is there a God of Trees and WildLife in Hinduism ? Cause my religious sentiments have been hurt that way as well !

Monday, August 24, 2009

Miss Universe

And the new Miss Universe is, hold you breath, and wait for it, Miss India . Hell yeah, sadi chori , Ekta Chaudhary , from India . And a nation of 1.2 Billion erupts with joy . News channel go crazy . Sarkha, Turedesai and their ilk go berserk . PFBS(People full of BS , i.e. Bhartiya Sanskriti) are ecstatic , as they will be invited to dozens of debates hosted by pompous TV anchors , where the topic would be  - "The intricate relationship between Beauty Pageants and Indian Culture and their effects ( ill and otherwise) on the Socio Economic factors contributing to the stability of Modern Indian Society" . Indra Dev is pleased . He is wondering how to woo this apsara to convince her to join his entourage . And it starts raining , ending the drought in parts of our country . Swine Flu patients bounce back to health , as the sudden patriotic surge gave their immunity a much needed boost . A visibly humiliated China, whose contestant could not even make it to the semi final round , drops its plans to surround India with naval bases , and instead , sends a request to the Indian Embassy requesting assistance in increasing the per capita Beauty Quotient . The top brass of the country's most popular brand of fairness cream, The Fair and The Idiot , are gleefully rubbing their hands, their sales sky rocketed , in just one night . "Super Blogger" Kislay, with tissues in his left hand, tears of joy in his both eyes,furiously starts typing with his right hand, composing a 7628 word long post, on how this inspiring moment is going down in the annals of History, and how will it the change the course India takes. Annu Bhai is listening to Iron Maiden , for the movie that will be soon coming out starring the new Miss Universe , needs to have a heavy metal inspired background score , so said KJo  to him . Himesh Bhau gets the encouragement and inspiration he was looking for, to contest in Mr. Universe. The grandiose members of the grand old party of India, congratulate each other , Sonia jee and Rahul jee, and stake a claim , in this awe inspiring achievement by a fellow Indian . The media is a little stumped, as to how can they can they label this victory , as one of Secularism over Saffron Fascism , and taunt the BJP . But wait , they are in a mess of their own right now, so let them stew in it for a while. And little and not-so-little girls all over the country , start using cosmetics , think about designer dresses , and practice their "look of utter bewilderment when they are crowned" , as they dream of becoming Miss Muzzaffarnagar Municipality -> Miss Tiruvanathapuram ->Miss Chhattisgarh -> Miss Rupa(Briefs&Vests) India -> Miss Universe(Only for Planet Earth) ! So that , one day , when the country is struggling , and battling as usual , for its existence , they will solve all its problems , by winning a beauty pageant. At least for a while .

So you can imagine how devastated and heart broken I was , when a bored friend casually mentioned that Miss Venezuela ( or did I see it in the daily rag I subscribe to ? ) won the contest . Never mind . We will win it the next year , when our beloved brothers from across the border will be back in action , after a reinvigorating vacation ( courtesy , the GoI ) , and start bombing the shit out of us . Yep . I think so . What do you think ?

p.s. A possible outcome of the Miss Universe/World/Earth/India/Nukkad/Mauhalla/Khet/Khalihan/Municipality contests – I assume that all of these bright and beautiful ladies do wish for “World Peace” . Well, the Gods in the heavens above , might grant them their wish , if they asked for it just after the swim suit round . I would , if I was God . No kidding ! And I bet the soul of Alfred Nobel must be wondering “ Did I miss out on something ? I mean , Math was not practical enough for a prize , but Beauty ? Hmmm . I hope the dudes in charge of my moolah think of this soon enough and introduce a Nobel Beauty Prize . It would shoot the TRP of the ceremony as well , if its aired ” .

p.p.s. No disrespect intended towards the lady who represented India . The satire is directed at everything but her .

Friday, August 14, 2009


Well, I am not going to rant and rave about how hard our freedom fighters fought for it , and how most of the young do not get what it means to be free from oppression and slavery , as they take our freedom for granted . My only wish is that people understand the significance of having an Independence Day . Having said that , I would like to share two great songs, that Freedom, Independence and Brutality of the British remind me of .

The first song is by Iron Maiden , called The Clansman . If revolutionaries like Shaheed Bhagat Singh and Shaheed Chandrashekhar Azad had been into Rock , and if you replace clan with India , then this could have been there rock anthem . To them .

Wake alone in the hills
With the wind in your face
It feels good to be proud
And be free and a race
That is part of a clan
And to live on highlands
And the air that you breathe
So pure and so clean

When alone on the hills
With the wind in your hair
With a longing to feel
Just to be free

Is it right to believe
In the need to be free
It's a time when you die
And without asking why
Can't you see what they do
They are grinding things down
They are taking our land
That belongs to the clans

Not alone with a dream
Just a want to be free
With a need to belong
I am a clansman
Freedom !

It's a time wrought with fear
It's a land wrought with change

Ancestors could hear
What is happening now
They would turn in their graves
They would all be ashamed
That the land of the free
Has been written in chains

And I know what I want
When the timing is right
Then I'll take what is mine
I am the clansman

And I swear to defend
And we'll fight to the end
And I swear that I'll never be taken alive
And I know that we'll stand
And we'll fight for our land
And I swear that my bairns
Will be born free

And I know what I want
When the timing is right
Then I'll take what I want
I am the clansman
Freedom !

No, no we can't let them take anymore
No we can't let them take anymore
We've the land of the free
Freedom !

Is it right to believe
In the need to be free
It's a time when you die
And without asking why
Can't you see what they do
They are grinding things down
They are taking our land
That belongs to the clans

Not alone with a dream
Just a want to be free
With a need to belong
I am a clansman

And I know what I want
When the timing is right
Then I'll take what is mine
I am the clansman
Freedom !

And I know what I want
When the timing is right
Then I'll take what is mine
I am the clansman.

The Clansman on YouTube with scenes from the movie Braveheart , as the backdrop

And this one , again by Iron Maiden , makes some sense as well . The song talks about the forced expulsion of Native Americans to the western United States, presumably during the presidency of Andrew Jackson when the moves were enforced by the U.S. Army ("soldier blue in the barren wastes"). (Wikipdia) . But doesn't it fit ?

Run to the hills

White man came across the sea
He brought us pain and misery
He killed our tribes, he killed our creed
He took our game for his own need

We fought him hard we fought him well
Out on the plains we gave him hell
But many came too much for cree
Oh will we ever be set free?

Riding through dustclouds and barren wastes
Galloping hard on the plains
Chasing the redskins back to their holes
Fighting them at their own game
Murder for freedom a stab in the back
Women and children and cowards attack

Run to the hills run for your lives
Run to the hills run for your lives

Soldier blue on the barren wastes
Hunting and killing their game
Raping the women and wasting the men
The only good Indians are tame
Selling them whisky and taking their gold
Enslaving the young and destroying the old

Run to the hills run for your lives

Run to the hills on YouTube

Image source -

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Death of My Childhood

Bloggers ,
Countrymen ,
Countrywomen ,
in short , members of my blogging family

Of late , I have been busy working . No , I did not pick up my toilet and kitchen brush to clean the muck around us . That would require a lot more effort , and I will take a shot at it at a later stage in my life , God willing . To cut a long story , short , I was really working , and that is why , I have hardly replied to your comments . I have missed out on reading some of your posts . I have missed out on exchanging thoughts with you on some of your posts . The few that I have published , were written , long back , when I was not so busy . Thank God for that , at least my blog is not that stale . I almost didn't see the incredibly funny and imaginative posts Vimmu,OG , Solilo and the others came up with (Cross Border Terrorism and Sachai ka Saamna ) ! What I am trying to say is that , I get a little time to peek into the Blogosphere , but I will be back in full swing , soon . That is the hope . My apologies for not contributing to the blogging buzz . And this partial absence has taken a toll on me as well , for , All work and no blogging makes Kislay a dull jackass . I know I am a jackass , my friends and colleagues will surely agree with this one. :) But a tired and a dull one now , and my braying is minus the zest it usually has . I am learning to live life , and how to be an adult , who has to balance work , and life apart from work . And as a member of the IT Industry , I know it won't be easy . But I am trying .

A few weeks ago , I , Kislay Chandra , all of 25 years and a few months old , suddenly realized that my childhood is over . Yes . I know . It took me 25 , instead of your normal 15 to 20 . But then, that is how I am . For me , it was still going on , till I was struck by the thunderbolt of realization, that I cried a little bit , in private. Of course , the child in me is not dead yet. I still hog chocolates , fight for ice cream , jump and shout like a kid , hop around in my home in a vest and old shorts, air guitar like a loon when I listen to rock and try to sing as well, do bakar(a derogatory term for fooling around , doing nothing , but talking,laughing and pulling your friend's legs as hard as you can )as if my friends and I were still in College. Inside , I am still a kid . As they say , the difference between a boy and a man , is the price of his toy . The carefree child in me comes out , plays with his new toys, bikes, cell phones and videogames, the latest being a blender , which I use to make different kinds of shakes and stuff :) ,but not that often. I guess that is how it works . This is what growing up must be all about . Trying to make more money , and discovering new ways to save taxes , rather than coming up with new ways to spend it . I guess that is why childhood is such an innocent and pure stage, you get joy out of things so trivial, insignificant and ordinary, that it cannot but baffle most adults. For me, the death of a person is not the day when he or she breathes the last, it is the day when the child in you , the last bit of pristine is gone.

When I was a kid , my grandfather explained to me the concept of pooja or aradhana . There is the ritualistic version , the meditative way and the one where you try to connect with the Almighty by serving others selflessly. And then , there is your work . He said , and very explicitly , that "if you do your work , with the utmost sincerity and devotion, you need not visit a temple , or offer flowers and burn incense sticks in front of the many forms of God that we bow to" . I knew that all along, but never really did it . I am trying to do it now. And every prayer I offer , ends with a request for subuddhi and shakti to do my work as it should be done .

That was my short story , about me . I am a little down , cause I am still not used to a lot of work , but I will be up soon , as it becomes a habit . And I may be down, but I am never out. Mean while , you keep blogging .

“In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play” - Friedrich Nietzsche

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.” - Walt Streightiff

“When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood” - Sam Ewing

“When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them, they show us the state of our decay.” - Brian W. Aldiss

p.s. It was 2 AM . I had just come out of my office building . The cool breeze was reinvigorating . And that gave me an idea for - Elixir . :)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mad World

A tall dark and handsome man entered the room. He was musing over his dark complexion, regretting that he never ever applied the skin whitening cream in his youth. His eyes went up to the bent figure sitting , or rather slumped over the chair. The prisoner looked up, cringed, and cursed himself. “Why the hell did I not take my daily dose of Parle G. I would have been out these shackles by now. But I, like a total moron, had to fall for the coke-ke-saath-dost free crap. And that blunder made me forget about my super-power biscuit.”,he thought. His eyes caught his would be tormentor’s glare. He shivered in fright, those cold eyes froze your soul. He had been trained well, even to bear the harshest of the tortures. He even had his macro-man vest on. But he wondered whether he would be able to fend off this fiend’s attempts. The tormentor switched on the TV. “May be , they are going to give me a test of some sorts”. The colors came on. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness of TV, he started feeling an increasing sensation of numbness. And then it hit him, like a blitzkrieg, and he was fading away. The last word he heard was “Jai Shree Krishna Baa………”.

He was in a semi-comatose state. He had this weird nightmare, in flashes of, pasty faced over made up woman, dressed in expensive sarees. There were a lot of families involved. And almost all of them looked the same age , he couldn’t make out mother form daughter. He passed out again.

He came to his senses. His head felt heavy. He tried grapple with the situation. It took him a while to recall the events before the black out. It seemed that he had a memory loss of some sorts. He retched. His vision was blurry . It took him some effort to open his eyes. The TV was still on . Some young people were arguing with each other on this show. He couldn't make out half of what he said, the other half was beeped. As he watched more and more of it, the dull throbbing which had started in his head, turned into a splitting head-ache. He tried to figure out what was going on . Even in his own mentally disheveled state, he could figure out that a bunch of demented but stylish young men and women were involved in some extremely imbecilic and asinine acts , which obviously did not involve the use of one's brain. 10 minutes into the show, the prisoner just collapsed . His captor grinned, his teeth shining out . He was a Colgate man, and never missed to brush his teeth with the best Oral care had to offer, certified by dentists all over. He was wondering whether to bunk this interrogation session or not, as he nursed a bottle of Fanta in his hand. His techniques were not working, so far the prisoner had just drifted in and out, and showed no signs of surrender . “Eh”, he said,” Let's wait a while, and while I am waiting, I can help some poor villager get some power”. With these words, he turned on his new Voltas AC. As the AC started regurgitating power, he fell into a reverie . He wondered whether to buy some vaseline body lotion for his teenaged daughter. He wanted her to be a better tennis player, and so far , actually working on playing better tennis had not helped her. His son was still hopeless. Even the liberal doses of Mentos didn't help him pass a single subject. He wondered why every product he had ever used never worked as the advertisement promised it would . Perplexed, and tired, he fell asleep.


To be continued , whenever I can garner some patience, better words and enough exasperation as a result of watching incredibly dumb advertisements, news anchors, and glimpses of TV shows . Par aap dekhna mat bhoolna , “Rakhee Sawant ka Swayamvar” . And if I were the producer of that show, I would introduce two new rounds to this kickass(so bad , that you want to kick your own butt) modern day “real life” drama .

1.So dumb that you should die round – This will be offered to the contestants . I would approach them personally , and offer them a desert eagle with enough bullets to end their existence , as they chose to be on of the suitors. It is not Rakhee , it is more so because this nautanki will be aired on TV , and they have no qualms about it .

2.Everyone-should-get-a-second-chance-and-die-now-or-die-painfully-later-round – This will be offered to the winner . The lucky man , will be asked to end it right here, right now, before he actually gets married . Since this man refused the first offer, this time, I will offer him a sword or a long dagger , as he deserves to die a slightly painful death, for humiliating himself.

I must add, that though I am not a fan of Ms. Sawant , I think she has guts. And the satire was directed more at the audience willing to gobble up Grade A Horse Shit like this, and then asking for more.I am not calling for a ban on shows like these . I hate them , it is my personal view , and obviously I don't watch it . But what is more infuriating , and dumber , is the debates on whether shows like these should be aired in India or not . There was one going on the yesterday, on some we-are-the-only-credible-source-and-we-are-so-full-of-ourselves English news channel . Pooja Bedi was one of the debaters . Mahajan Junior another . And the most important and the most intelligent one, according to yours truly was a guy , who was , I guess the representative of the PFBS , i.e People Full of BS , i.e Bhartiya Sanskriti . I don't want to write down everything he said or why I disagree with it . Just one would be enough . He said "Humare yahan , jab koi aurat pregnant hoti hai , to hum yeh nahi kehte ki woh pet se hai , hum yeh kehte hain ki uska paanv bhari hai . Yeh hai Bhartiya Sanskirit " . I was stumped after hearing this . I mean , how is it the term used to describe a woman who is carrying a new life related to Bhartiya Sanskriti ? I mean , WTF . Am I an idiot that I don't get it ? Do you get it ? What was he trying to say ? I still don't get it . Please , for the love of BS , tell me . And Pooja Bedi was in hysterics .

One last thought . The way things are , please do not feel surprised if one fine day , the ignoranuses(ignorant assholes) who debate on such stupid topics , make an issue out of Western style toilets . They might come up with something like - "As a western toilet is too comfortable for ablutions , it makes the Common Indian Man/Woman forget , that he/she has to struggle everyday for existence , and so is against the ethos of Bhartiya Sanskriti " , or words to that effect . Or , if not this , then something worse than this , which would be - "Woman should not be allowed to use Western toilets , as the seat is on a higher level compared to the desi one . And , as men are inherently superior to woman , only they should be allowed to relieve themselves comfortable , and from a higher plane " , or some more BS to that effect . You think I am crazy , huh ? Wait for the day .

After all, it is a Mad World .