Friday, June 12, 2009

Black Box of Secularism

I mentioned something called a BBS in this post, The Case for our next PM . So here it goes , the BS about a BBS !

Black box is a technical term for a device, system or object when it is viewed in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge required of its internal workings. Almost anything might occasionally be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, humans, the Internet, the way political parties in India function and interpret Secularism (I added the last one). The opposite of a black box is a system where the inner components or logic are available for inspection (such as a free software/open source program), which is sometimes known as a white box, a glass box, or a clear box.

Secularism is the assertion that governmental practices or institutions should exist separately from religion and/or religious beliefs. In one sense, secularism may assert the right to be free from religious rule and teachings, and freedom from the government imposition of religion upon the people, within a state that is neutral on matters of belief, and gives no state privileges or subsidies to religions. In another sense, it refers to the view that human activities and decisions, especially political ones, should be based on evidence and fact unbiased by religious influence.

So why is the BBS, a black box? Well, it says it is secular, but you don't know what the hell is going on inside. You expect it to be secular in all contexts and in all the four dimensions, but it chooses its environment selectively. You expect it to be secular, the way secularism is defined, but it follows its own pattern, as if a very highly evolved AI controls it. Unlike the communal forces of India, who are openly communal, it is mystery as to how those who claim to be secular are so? As I said, you don’t know what goes inside the bloody black box. You are not supposed to know. The result is computed on the basis of the input. You have to kill your curiosity about how was it actually computed, and be content with the result.

Being black, it absorbs all the negative communal energy and radiates positive secular energy. The BBS is incredibly effective in blocking out saffron rays. Say, you are getting irritated by the pakhandi baba who is preaching about the benefits of sanyas, perched on a plush cushion in an air-conditioned room, just take out the mini black box. First it will drain the colour out of his robes, and subsequently, his energy. But we must tell you, the designers of this black box were targeting a specific kind of communal crowd. This device absorbs the harmful communal energy emanated by the Saffron brigade only. So if any you thought that air dropping thousands of these over Pakistan or Afghanistan would be the perfect solution, BOO HOO, it is NOT. And neither will it work on the Khalistanis or the aggressively proselytizing Missionaries.

As some we buffoons in the software industry say, “In God we trust, everything else we test”. Even this ingenious device was tested exhaustively, after the development of the first prototype. It was tested on one of the popular leaders of Uttar Pradesh who is, or rather was a key conspirator in the Babri Masjid demolition. To assess its actual effectiveness, it was done without his active knowledge, and lo-and-behold, he turned secular. He switched from a clearly communal party to an absolutely secular party. It was the single-most greatest moment for the Scientists who worked on this project. There have been numerous other success stories as well. One recent incident involved the questioning the circumstances of the death of a super cop, and giving it a Hindutva angle. In this case, certain political leaders, political activists and sections of the media were under the influence. A famous author, who writes about God, small things and how India asks for attacks like 26/11, has had one of her kidneys replaced with a BBS. It is not well known, that a noted film maker who recently came out with a movie on one of the most infamous riots in India, attached a mini-BBS as an appendage to the cameras that were used to shoot the movie. Many political leaders, who rant about what happened in this 02, and forget about what happened in 84, are wearing lockets which have a micro-BBS’s in its chamber. It is quite possible that this could be the reason why the cause of the Kashmiri Pundits goes unnoticed. A key ally of the NDA, which switched sides in the recent elections, did so because a multi-million MW BBS was installed in their party HQ. The terrorist-cum-politician, one of the key suspects in the Coimbatore bomb blasts, was under the influence of the BBS when he apologized for his “misdemeanor”. This is an anomaly, for we did not expect the BBS to work on this kind of communalism .Our other similar attempts have failed, as the design dictates they should (Saffron only). And this is a wild shot, and though it has never been questioned, my gut says the BBS had a role here. Remember the day one of the prominent communal leaders and PM-aspirant in the 09 Elections showered praised on the man who divided India? It could have been the result of the telescopic BBS gun, which is still in its infancy. I have my doubts, but I am willing to bet on it.

While I am not sure, but I think that the communal forces have developed a prototype to reverse the secular and induce the communal effect. This project is still in its experimental stages, and given the rate at which indigenous technology is developed in India, it will take a while for it to be fully successful. Of all the test subjects I am aware of, the only one it worked on was the brother of a politician from Kashmir, who is going to be inducted as Minister in this Government. He, and I heard on this TV, did not disapprove of the Babri Masjid demolition. Yes. Believe it or not. Apparently, places of prayer should not be built upon disputed sites; hence the demolition was actually a favour to the minority community. I concur that the fundamental principle of the device may be right, but the implementation needs a lot more R&D.

Coming back to BS, err, I mean BBS . The key element used in the BBS is Secularium. It has a variable half life, and depends on the object it is acting on. (The half-life of a quantity whose value decreases with time is the interval required for the quantity to decay to half of its initial value). For instance, a strong willed person might wipe out all trace of this element from his system, if he had to gain something under the guise of being communal. Say, you are not happy with the Secular party for not getting a ticket, you can suddenly start screaming “Hindutva!” , buy a trident , start wearing t shirts with Om on it, beat up a few women, rant and rave about Bhartiya or Hindu sanskriti , and then join the Communal party . But as I said, you need to be strong willed. Spineless, yet strong willed.

1 sJ (Secular-Joule) is the amount of energy radiated by the BBS, to bring about a tiny change in an individual, comparable to secularizing one cell, subject to the condition that the person has not been exposed to communal energies for more than an year. The amount of energy needed to bring about the desired change, is directly proportional to the period and degree of exposure. I think Varun Gandhi can be brought back into the secular fold. Praveen Togadia is a lost case, unless we explode the thermonuclear BBS device.

It has been found, that similar to nuclear radiation, over exposure to the BBS may induce cancerous growth in your body, which will reject everything saffron or some close shade of it. So say bye bye to Fanta, Mirinda, Mangoes, Orange Rasgullas and Halwa-with-Kesar in it. One of the test subjects, who was given a more liberal dose, reacted very violently when a triangular shaped saffron flag was waved in front of him. It was worse than when a bull sees red. (*Brainwave* A new phrase, instead of a “bull sees red”, a “secular sees saffron”). Another test subject with a similar high level of Secularium in his blood stream, who had just helped himself to six large helpings of Spanish paella valenciana, suffered from diarrhea and vomiting, and the team had to struggle hard to save him.

Under the influence of BSS, one might just perceive the world, especially India, into shades of communal and secular. So, one is either of the two, and the rest of the factors be damned. For instance, the junta of Delhi is secular because they voted for Sheila Deikshit, but those of Chhattisgarh or MP are communal as they voted back BJP. Also, the current victory of the UPA is a victory of secularism over communalism, no other variables involved.

The full scope of the BBS is yet to be discovered. One of our scientists, while on a break, put a mini-BBS prototype on a TV. What he observed was that only a certain number of news channels could be viewed, the ones which seem to favour a particular political party of India. What was even more interesting was that the voice and arguments of their famous journalists became louder, stronger and shriller. For the communal one, that might cause an ear bleed, or a brain hemorrhage. The BBS could be a potential weapon, an insidious and deadly one.

The BBS has, as its key components, certain sensors, of a very special kind, the element Secularium, intricate circuitry, and a flawless software. My apologies for not divulging more information. How the hell will it be a black box if you know everything about it? More importantly, the understanding of such a device is beyond your plebian intelligence. By the way, the software was not written by TCS, we will have you know. TCS->Tata->Ratan Tata->Nano->Gujarat, get the drift. Back to the BBS, it is a devious machine. Say, a person is standing near it. This machine sends electrical signals, similar to the ones that are generated in your brain when you think, which produces a thought in his mind. A Sample – Should Afzal Guru be hanged? The BBS then gauges the response from the person, by reading the output, the resulting electrical signals generated. If the answer indicates that the person is communal in nature, the Secularium swings into action. Simple, yet very effective.

The BBS comes in many shapes, sizes and strengths . We might come up with a USB compatible BBS drive , for curing communal bloggers , the author of Orange, for instance.

That's all folks. So far, this product has been a classified one. Soon, we plan to mass produce it, launch a massive media campaign and popularize it. Obviously, the English Media would help us, because they themselves are patrons of Indian Secularism. We hope to accomplish this before the communal forces develop a fully functional GCB (Glass Box of Communalism) prototype. We have come with the name of the company which will be selling this engineering marvel, INC. And please, I know what some of you communal idiots must have thought; INC stands for Indian-Neutralizer-of-Communalism. We are looking for a kickass slogan. If you have an idea, please mail it to secular_till_India_dies@INC.co.in . The winner gets a trip to Italy.

The following is the script of the advertisement we plan to air sometime in the future. All characters in the following idea-of-an-Ad are fictitious. Any resemblance to a person living or dead, is purely co-incidental

Rahul and Varun are two estranged brothers. Due to communal company, and over-saffronization, Varun is dying in a hospital, battling for his life, when in a moment of excruciation, he forgets all his differences, and shouts out a loud and resonant, “Bhaiyyaaaaaaaaaa”. Mean while, our hero, the super secular brother Rahul, is sipping green tea about 37 miles away, when his windows shatter, and he hears his younger brother's wail. He knows what he has to do. With a grim determination, he straps on a duffle bag with a BBS, and kick-starts his Ducati Monster. As he revs the hell out of the bike, he screams out a loud “Main as raha hoon chote”. The crows start cawing, and windows and glass objects, shatter, again. In a flash, he is off. It is a race against time. He rode as never before. He drives through orange orchards, draining the fruits of their juice, and nukkad-jalebi shops, draining the sweet of its syrup. Sanyasis sitting under trees are struck by a sudden de-saffronization of their apparel, reminding one of the many Tide ads. Like a juggernaut, our Ducati-driving-Dude reaches the hospital, and rushes to the ward where his sick cousin (pun intended) lies. He takes of the BBS, and places it on the heaving chest of Varun. And then, they all hold their breath. Varun screams, and then becomes lifeless, the monitor shows no pulse, the sickening sound of death in the air. But, this is India, the land of Hindi Cinema. As Rahul starts staring at the ceiling, and was about to deliver a heavy dialogue for God's benefit, Varun springs back to life. The BBS had done its magic. In a calm and secular voice, with a beatific smile on his face, he says, “Bhaiyya, aap aa gaye”. “Haan chote, tu bulaye aur main na aaon”, says Rahul. And then, Varun avows to sever all ties with anything Saffron and its close shades. They hug tightly, as the clouds make way for the shining sun.

A BBS, to save your dying brother – Expensive (as your brother was very very communal)
A Ducati Monster, made in Italy, to get you to your dying brother – Very Expensive
Bringing back your long lost brother into the secular fold – Priceless

That is the power, of a Black Box of Secularism.

The End

p.s. Do I have to say that this is a satire ? This is my way of protesting against the twisted,perverted version of Secularism that the Political Parties practice . Some make no pretense about not being secular , some claim to be secular and are not and some follow their own brand of it . WTF !

29 comments:

Chrysalis said...

I crown you the Master of Satire (MOS).Bhagwaan granted me Free Will so I will use it freely and bestow upon you, this title.
Uh Oh! I used the word Bhagwaan ..I must be communal. And anti-feminist being a woman and being religious. I need the BBS zapping this 'kachra' out of me..fast!!!
Where and how can I order it? ;)

destinationinfinity said...

Ha Ha. There was one more theory going on - Electing the lesser evils. I mean, why don't we just accept that the choice is between devil and deep sea, and what ever little has happened in India is in spite of all those black box wearers and producers? The black box fixing by media was interesting :-)

Destination Infinity

Kislay said...

@Chrysalis
Thank you :) You are communal . ;) I shall take orders for it soon .

@DI
My diatribe is not about why the Congress won . It is about the perverted twisted version of secularism that is in circulation . It is partly also about how anything and everything related to the BJP becomes communal , and the Congress always gets a clean chit .

ramblingsbybones said...

Kislay, you have outdone yourself with this post...

I think the constitution needs to be changed and the word secularism should be deleted because nobody seems to give a rats ass about it...If this were done, the Congress would openly be communal and no longer a BBS...

quirkyindian said...

Ha ha....priceless.

So all of us who think this is funny are communal? Which means we really need your product.....discount milega?

Cheers,

Quirky Indian

Vinod_Sharma said...

Kislay. This is tremendous stuff. I second Chrysalis. You have no peer. You have already done the Congress a great favour by discovering the Indian Neutraliser of Communalism! Its email address is perfect! India will soon be in "saif" hands.

indyeahforever said...

Before I say what I want to let me ask you how many times will you take a bow?
Wont you have back pain?Or do you have it by now?:D


It was tested on one of the popular leaders of Uttar Pradesh who is, or rather was a key conspirator in the Babri Masjid demolition. To assess its actual effectiveness, it was done without his active knowledge, and lo-and-behold, he turned secular. He switched from a clearly communal party to an absolutely secular party. It was the single-most greatest moment for the Scientists who worked on this project.


AWESOME is not the word coz this is what I feel too but I could NEVER have expressed it like this..

Err since its beyond my ‘plebian’ intelligence please do tell me what I can do to be more secular Kislay Ji

Because I talk about pseudo secularists
*gasp!*


There!I said it out loud! Will I die?
Please keep that BBS away from me…



A Sample – Should Afzal Guru be hanged? The BBS then gauges the response from the person, by reading the output, the resulting electrical signals generated. If the answer indicates that the person is communal in nature, the Secularium swings into action. Simple, yet very effective.

:(:(:(
Please don’t ask me this question..I beg of you Kislay..Please don’t And dude keep that BBS away from me..far far away :P

I will be a totally communal person I am telling you...this question always gets me caught!
damn! I need to work on my responses!

The BBS comes in many shapes, sizes and strengths . We might come up with a USB compatible BBS drive , for curing communal bloggers , the author of Orange, for instance

ROFL!!!
Well..if my dear friend is going to be given one, then I want one too :D:D

And please, I know what some of you communal idiots must have thought; INC stands for Indian-Neutralizer-of-Communalism. We are looking for a kickass slogan. If you have an idea, please mail it to secular_till_India_dies@INC.co.in . The winner gets a trip to Italy.

ROFL!!!
Trip to Italy?
The mecca of Secularism?
Is that where all the BBS are made?:D

ROFL@the ad

WHAT an idea Sirji!:D:D

Varun is dying in a hospital, battling for his life, when in a moment of excruciation, he forgets all his differences, and shouts out a loud and resonant, “Bhaiyyaaaaaaaaaa”. Mean while, our hero, the super secular brother Rahul, is sipping green tea about 37 miles away, when his windows shatter, and he hears his younger brother's wail. He knows what he has to do. With a grim determination, he straps on a duffle bag with a BBS, and kick-starts his Ducati Monster. As he revs the hell out of the bike, he screams out a loud “Main as raha hoon chote”. The crows start cawing, and windows and glass objects, shatter, again. In a flash, he is off. It is a race against time. He rode as never before. He drives through orange orchards, draining the fruits of their juice, and nukkad-jalebi shops, draining the sweet of its syrup. Sanyasis sitting under trees are struck by a sudden de-saffronization of their apparel, reminding one of the many Tide ads.

What ???you want me to die without even recovering from my fever?
What a thing to read Kislay!!
I am feverish and still laughing like a loon!:D:D

You know what?
My hyperactive imagination actually conjured up the sight of Rahul doing all that:D:D
kickstarting the ducati and all that:D:D:D
And the orange orchards and jalebis without syrup!
LOL!!
This is too good!!

A BBS, to save your dying brother – Expensive (as your brother was very very communal)
A Ducati Monster, made in Italy, to get you to your dying brother – Very Expensive
Bringing back your long lost brother into the secular fold – Priceless

That is the power, of a Black Box of Secularism.



*Twisting this around..due apologies to the ad maker not you:P:P* :D:D

Sarcasm that’s cutting…- Tough
Sarcasm that make me laugh- tougher
Sarcasm that kicks some ass- toughest


A dear friend who writes kickass posts- priceless :D

indyeahforever said...

and oh yes!I forgot!
I do need to order the BBS ...like QI says discount milega?:D:D
come on I am your friend:))))


also err I just might need more than one:)))
too much communalism inside me you see:))))

I also laughed at your post..
wasnt I supposed to?
no?
okay
*sigh*
make it three BBS then:(((

I am hopeless


:(((

SP said...

Awesome .. !!!

manju said...

Great post, Kislay!

I guess I should place my order for a BBS, too!:)

Winnie the poohi said...

If you keep dishing such awesomely sarcastic posts.. I would have to start looking into the dictionary for more praise worthy "words" :)

BK Chowla said...

Kislay,I have started reading your posts recently.This one takes the cake.Describing secularism has become the home work of most of the politicians,depending upon which side they belong to.One can play with HINDUTVA....SOFT HINDUTVA...HARD HIDUTVA...HINDU TERROR..HINDU EXTEERMISTS and what have you.Kalyan singh was communal till he joine SP.Paswan was communal for 5 yrs,then he became secular for 5 yrs and now he does not know as to where does he belong.You are right,I pay tax for my protection but instead THEY get protection.I vote them to govern,where as they want to rule.Everything is topsytervy.I am hoping someday this will all settledown

Solilo said...

Kislay, You are really floating now. Aren't you? Ek ke baad ek sixer.

I was laughing all along..am I communal?

What is with this Saffronization? Why no one mentioned any other color-ization?

Will there be discount if I mass order BBS?

Kislay said...

@Bones
Thanks . I hope I have not . I want to come up stuff even better . The definition of secularism seriously needs a revision .

@Quirky
What is priceless , the post or the product ? :) You might get a discount , if you place a bulk order . You can use a USB BBS ;) .

@Vinod Sharma
Thanks . What can I say sir ? My imagination went wild and berserk . I bet there are others who can come up with better stuff though .

@SP
Thanks , and Welcome .

@Manju
You need to place an order as well . :)

Kislay said...

@Indyeah
I am overwhelmed , O Comment Monster . You have almost written another post lauding me . Thanks a million . :)

Your plebian intelligence needs a strong dose of secularium . :) The idea for the ad came after I wrote the post , even I was pleasantly surprised ! The ad is funny if you picture it . :D I think I will mail you a USB BBS . You can start using it , before the product is launched .

"Sarcasm that’s cutting…- Tough
Sarcasm that make me laugh- tougher
Sarcasm that kicks some ass- toughest


A dear friend who writes kickass posts- priceless :D"

Now this is kickass . Thanks . And I will consider your request for a discount . :D

Kislay said...

@Winnie
I think I am out of sarcasm now . Or may be , till the next thing catches my imagination . Mean while , you keep hunting the dictionary . :D And thanks a lot .

@Solilo
I am floating , am I ? :) I think this is a clean four , a sixer is yet to come . And you , obviously are communal . You questioned the credentials of the saint like Sri Sri Atank-Shankar Madani jee Maharaj . And you voice your opinion against Dynasty politics . How dae you ? You need a 1 MW BBS ! I will see what I can do about the discount .

@BK Chowla
Thank you sir . Glad to know that what I write rings a bell some where . Secularism , the Indian kind makes me sick . And leaves me astounded .

Child Of Adam said...

Wikipedia to the rescue... :P

Indyeah said...

for some reason have not been able to log into WP or mail so leaving the message from the google account :)))
thanks a ton!!:))

you deserve all the praise:))))the sarcasm is awesome to say thew least:))


rest later :)))when I am able to log in :))))

WP goes on and off:(

Kislay said...

@Indyeah
Thanks again :)

@Child of Adam
What dude ? I didn't get you .

Child Of Adam said...

Great post...
I said that the definitions of Black box and secularism were taken from Wikipedia... He he.. more than the post, I was wondering, f**k.. Kislay has become technical!!!!!! LOL

MaxX said...

Dude!...very well put!...kinda like the pulse of our times now!...striking...slightly disturbing...but a lot of fun to read none the less...u are the quentin of the written word man! :D...bless you!

Anrosh said...

everybody has said it. i will join the applause and more laughter --

Kislay said...

@CoA , MaxX and Anrosh

Thank you . :)

@MaxX

It is disturbing . :D

quirkyindian said...

The post, of course! :-)

And discounts only for bulk orders? Is that the way to treat friends? Kaisa congressi ho gaya tu, mere bhai......

@Indyeah, we need to do something about this guy.... :-)

Cheers,

Quirky Indian

Kislay said...

@Quirky
Thanks. But calling me a Congressi and ganging up on me for getting a discount ? I might be a Congressi now , but I am still honest ;)

Charakan said...

Funny post On a serious note can i ask you a question ? What is your opinion abt the relationship between State and religion ? Which political party if any have a policy close to your idea of relationship between State and religions ?

Kislay said...

@Charakan
The State should be as separate from religion as the toilet is from the kitchen . And I do not imply that Religion is like the toilet or the kitchen , just an analogy . Those who run the affairs of the state have to be both tolerant and unbiased . I do not think any political party has it now , I may be wrong . May be the new one , Bharat Punarnirmana Dal . I loathe the Congress for their pretense to be secular and I detest the BJP for the lack of it .

Charakan said...

Well said Kislay But separating religion and State is not that easy in Indian context For example most of the temples in Kerala are under Govt control Historical reason for this they were under the administration of Kings before Independence So what is the way out? Another question for you Kislay if I may ask What is your view on Religious Conversion?

Kislay said...

@Charakan
It would need a lot of political will and a much higher general level of education for that . Isn't religious conversion a bit off topic ?