Friday, May 22, 2009

The case for our next PM

Super Blogger and hyper commentator (Is it the right word?), Ms. Awesome Indyeah wrote a kickass post on why she loves Rahul Gandhi. The super vella aadmi I am these days(Thank you Recession), I couldn't help but make some observations on that blog in the form of comments, which got me a few smileys and ROFLs. That inspired me to put them together, and some more in this post. So here it goes. Pardon me for those who have already read and laughed (hopefully) at my comments, some of the points are repeated here. My apologies if my zany humour offends your sense of humour .

(Rahul is in the air, ta ra rum pum, ta ra rum pum, Raaa-hoool is in the air !)

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So , you think Rahul Gandhi should not be the PM , in the near future(2014), eh ?

1. First of all, get off that dope you are smoking, injecting or snorting. It is making you "communal”. Who sold it to you? A guy in khakee shorts? He said he was some kind of a volunteer? Hmmm. Disturbing. It’s getting saffron-er everyday. No wonder you are talking through you black topi, err, I mean hat. You are living in denial. Once you clear your brain of all the saffron cobwebs , you will start seeing day light. That is the first stage of acceptance.

2. Did you even know that geneticists have come up with a fit-to-be-the-PM-of-India gene, and the descendants of Nehru family have it? No kidding! I swear on INC. Apparently, there is a gene for everything. For believing in God, believing in your Nation, and may be, and this is a very wild guess, for being communal as well. On a side note, if the communal gene thingy does come out to be true, then all the sanghies plaguing the landscape of India need your help. The rabid, Hindutva-hailing, minority-haters will have to be cured of this virulent disease. We would have to install giant BBS's in every saffron infested corner of this country. What is a BBS? Dumbass! Claims to be secular and doesn't even know that. How would you know, you bloody MCP (Malevolent Communal Pig)? I will tell you about it in detail later, for the time being, know that it stands for Black Box of Secularism. Enough digressing! So, I dare you not to question why shouldn’t Rahul Andhi, bole to, Gandhi be the PM-in-waiting, just toe the line like everyone else.

3.Rahul baba is half-a-gora. That is half the reason why he should be the PM, the other half being the sur name. And I will tell you why . It is sad, that some of you ARE willing to let go of your colonial hang over. Absolutely pathetic, makes me want to weep. Did you forget the glorious days of our Gora sahibs? The ones who gave us trains, telephones, English, our nation and an inferiority complex. Do not speak of the millions who died during the process (The Bengal Famine). How dare you question the intention of such white, benevolent and magnanimous people, you brown bugger? They did even have to use any fairness cream for their complexion. *The moron gasps in awe* Goras rock, they kick ass! And DO NOT, under any circumstances, let go of that colonial hangover. For the Love of secularism and India, drink some more of that "white" wine. “White English” wine has been found to very beneficial to a brown sahib's health. If your communal-dope addled brain raises any objection, then try some other liquor, anything European will do. If you have anything Indian, it will taste nothing better than tharra (country made liquor); and God knows, that after your West-influenced education, you have no taste for it. Only pseudo-Hindutva-followers drink Indian-made, because the actual-Hindutva-followers do not drink at all. If the booze is not Western (preferably European), you will puke your guts out. So, in short, you just cannot let go of that hang over.Always be willing to acknowledge and accept the fact, that only a White can rule us, for they are way superior . It would be awesome if someone from England could come over, but Italy is not a bad option. May be France as well, we can ask Sarkozy after he retires. I propose a round robin algorithm, with all the European countries, and USA involved.What say you?

4.Terrorism will be done with in 15 minutes in his reign - “I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes," . Terrorism and terrorists , Gone . Poof . It will do the Vanishing Act . Houdini and P C Sarkar would be proud of him . And empower people ? I say we arm them all to the teeth . Get in touch with the NRA , and Kalashnikov-ize the country . That would solve a lot of problems . On a side note , if you remember the day when a crazy Korean killed his fellow students , the NRA had actually said that had every student on that campus been armed, somebody or the other would have shot him soon enough.

5.For his awesome General Knowledge – Gujarat is larger than UK*, said the great man . I do not know whether he implied area or population, or both . I think some one who can shoot out “facts” like these , for some one who has traveled nationally and internationally and is apparently very educated , it is a clear indication . If only BQC had started when he was younger !

6.This is what I hope we will get from his Columbian connection , Weed and Coke. That is marijuana and cocaine . It will surely make some urban voters very happy. Don't you get the connection? How can you, you dope. And I won’t tell you , find out on your own. After all, you were living on non-secular drugs; it will be a while before you realize the merits of brand Columbia. The World knows how good it is. Hollywood swears by it , even Bollywood, you can ask Fardeen if you don’t believe me. Did you even know that Pablo Escobar, the Columbian Drug Lord , was listed as the seventh richest man ? How would that be even possible if his product was not world class? May the good Lord grant this great man some peace. I am looking forward to the movie that is being made on him, so that he can inspire me, and after imbibing a few of his qualities, I may start my own business and never ever code again for a living.

The above are the reasons why he should be the PM. The following are the possible perks I could come up with, when the “Indiano-Italiano” ties are strengthened and given a new dimension by this gentleman.Pardon my loopiness. :)

1. Football. Yes you fool. Football. Italian coaches and players. Our third rate Indian team will get trained by, say someone like Marcello Lippi, and get a chance to play with the Italians in their leagues. They will have a shot in the International arena. I say this, as honestly as possible and as an upcoming football fan, if Rahul Gandhi promises to make this possible, I will vote for him once. And yes, in case the Indian team does not make it to the Top 32, we will be supporting Italy, business as usual(2006 WC France-Italy Final , Congress workers were rooting for apni Italy).

2. Free trips to Italy and other European countries - Why not? All Rahul Baba fans have a right to visit the country, where a part of his roots are from (nanihal). All Sonia Madam fans have the right to visit the place she is from (mayka). Wouldn't you as a fan, of any great soul, want to visit or explore the place that person was born at, raised in or frequented. So why should the fans of the current Gandhi family be denied the same? It would be an almost religious experience, and Ambika Soni can be the tour guide. And while you are in the neighborhood, have a dekko at the other European countries as well. After all, one must know where one's masters came and are coming from. Get a swig, straight from the flask, that hang over will last for a very long time.

3. An IIT and IIM in Italy - May be. Who knows? But it will be cool, huh? I hope the IIM thing happened soon. I am too poor to go abroad for an MBA. This can be the only shot the likes of me can have at getting a phoren education. Yes, I see the obvious flaw, the fly in this ointment, how will I ever make it to an IIM? I don't know, let me try . Will changing my name to Kislay Gandhi do the magic ?

4. God father 4, 5& 6 will be shot in India. An alternative scenario, where Vito Corleone immigrates to India instead of the US, where he fights and conquers the communal forces and establishes a secular yet criminal business empire. Just imagine, you can boast of this to your non-Indian friends, that the new "God-father trilogy was a shot in a India”, with hand motions and an acquired Italian accent(which could become a new fad and replace American). If you have seen Russell Peters, you will know what I am saying. You can also brag about the fact, that a filmmaker can envision a secular criminal empire , only in India. Yes sire . Bery bery sickular ( Try saying that with the Russell-Peters-Indian accent).

5.Cheaper Olives and Italian Food. For once my dream of going to expensive and exquisite Italian restaurants might come true. I mean, wouldn't spaghetti with meat-balls and pene pasta be more popular and cheaply available? I am pretty sure most Congress workers/members will change their diet. I picture myself, seated in Little Italy, savoring Pasta Paprika and sipping Rosso di Montalcino. And your cocktails and desi-italian recipes will never run out of Olives or Olive Oil. My dream of making Vodka Martinis (as James Bond drinks it in Casino Royale, also called a Vesper) the national beverage might just come true.

And last, but not the least by any measure , his name .

His first name is Rahul .Do any of you dimwitted dunderheads even know what Rahul means? My source , is Wikipedia .

a. Conqueror of all miseries, according to some Upanishad. You bet your saffron ass, he is. He will end our miseries by wiping out the Communal forces.Three cheers for Secularatva !

b. The later use of the word is attributed to the Buddha, who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. If Grade a Columbian Stuff does not get you nirvana, and helps you renounce this world , (temporarily), nothing else will. While I am not sure whether he would renounce the world, the new era ushered in by him will ensure that others will have a stab at it , provided the Columbian connection is not lost.

c. Rahul also means Moon, Able/efficient in Sanskrit. We all saw how efficient and able he is, the 21-seats-in-UP feat that he pulled off “entirely” on his own speaks for that. And isn't he cute as a moon? And before you jump to any conclusion, let me just tell you that I am still straight. I say that as a neutral and not neutered observer. The girls (not all of them) do go gaga over him.

His last name is Gandhi .Need I explain as to why is that important, you nincompoop numbskull? Seriously, the dope that those khakee shorts guys sold have fucked you up pretty bad! It is the most powerful name in this nation, quite possibly in the World. And the irony is that original bearer has no idea, how his name has been (mis)used and milked in this country. It happens only in India. By Gawd, something suddenly struck me ! If the scientific community (even the tiny one we have) was steeped in this very dynasticism, can you imagine what would have happened ? The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ?

Rahul bhai, sure is one lucky guy. Good Education, good Looks, greatest possible name, soon will have a great job. I think we can start using the phrase "as lucky as Rahul”.

A possible repercussion of his becoming the PM - Thousands, may be lacs of kids, born after 2014 will be named either Rahul (firtsname) or Gandhi (lastname). I might name my male child on those lines, if a woman agrees to marry me in or before 2012. So, you won't be able to throw a brick without hitting a Rahul or a Gandhi. Get ready for it. What did you say? BJP? Why can't they come to power in 2014? You jackass, how the hell do you think that will happen? They will be almost wiped out by then, a ghost of their former saffron suffused self. *Brainwave* Unless, they rename their party. From BJP to, wait for it , and it is going to be legendary, the BGP. Ha! How is that? *Visible Halo around yours truly*. And I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to me , if you ask me what the G in BGP stands for , I will %@$#^@&%#&@&#&@ !!!!! If you still don't get it, then I think you need a red and burning mark on your cheek , in the shape of a hand . Jai Ho !

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This is a satire, if somebody missed on that. I hate nepotism as many other people do, but I do not hate Rahul Gandhi, at least not now. I hate the fact that the helm of the affairs of this country will be handed out to him, way before he actually proves himself worthy of it. That does not mean that I won't support him if he does appear to me as the next Great Indian Leader. Most importantly, he does not need my support,permission or respect , I want him to accomplish things that will make me respect and support him , or any other person who aspires to be the Prime Minister of this country. To all the die-hard dynasty fans, and RG lovers, my apologies, if you were offended. Chicas of the Delhi University who apparently have an orgasm at the sight of RG , please don't curse me that I never have one ( I actually saw a female DU student scream a out loud and quite orgasmic "Rahul ! I love you! " ) . And read Mr. Vinod Sharma's analysis . He has taken into account his past and present actions and statements , which do not paint him in the same light as the very unbiased Media houses in our country are doing .

* Gujarat is smaller than the UK , both area and population wise .

Edited to add : I was wondering about Rahul baba , and I actually want some one to do an exclusive post on him , biographical in nature , and tell me what his achievements have been so far , and where did he go wrong . I want to know why do people think that he is a ray of hope , and good enough to don the PM's robes in the near future. Seriously , what has he done , and this is a question, not a sarcastic remark . And on the same note , if him then why not Priyanka ? Priyanka's interview

40 comments:

Vinod_Sharma said...

Brilliant Kislay. You are getting better and better. That is a surprise because your are still "Orange"...and that is suspiciously close to Saffron!

Your Rahooooo! took me back to that song...and suddenly I saw Rahul on a high singing it in the jungles of Columbia: "Chahe koi mujhe AANDHI kahe, ya AADHA GORA kehta rahe, Gandhi POWER ke toofaano mein ghirey hain, hum kya karein. Raaaahooooo!"

Thought I will correct one big error that you have made. Gujarat is bigger than UK...look if Rahul couldn't "cover" it as he wanted to despite valiant efforts, it has to be really big for him! UK is a breeze for an aadha-gora!

Kislay said...

@Vinod Sharma
Thank you Sir . I just rechecked the figures on Gujarat and UK . Gujarat is smaller in size and in population as well . Source - Wikipedia .

Vinod_Sharma said...

Kislay...I know that...how did you miss the sarcasm in my statement?

Chrysalis said...

OMG Funny Man..you are bringing out the sarcastic joker in everyone ..reference here to Vinod ji's hilarious comment.
From Babua to Rahul Baba..a short easy ride.
Seriously are DU girls fawning over him? I am ashamed of my DU past.
For a nation which is already sleepwalking I wonder if the Columbian Goodies will wake us up and help us smell the Coffee..Columbain again.
The Gora factor is very important here. We love the Gora Sahib and the Gori Blonde Mem, even better. We love their clothes or the lack of them, the pubbing, the dating the movies , the books, the coke(the soda/drink,Mr. Tharoor endorses despite the fact that the company is wreaking havoc on our water table and poisoning our rivers) ..anything and everything which comes with made in Phoren tag...half made in Phoren works in favor for Rahul Baba.
And of course if you are no fan of Rahul baba you automatically are made out to be a follower of his evil cousin Varun Baba. Such is the maths practiced by the educated? urban elite in our country.

P.S I enjoy Italian food and enjoy watching the Italian Football team even more ;)

freespirit said...

And here I was following the keep off the grass. No wonder nirvana continues to evade me! Brilliant, if a little harsh. :D Give Baba a chance na?

However I don't support the Italian football team. Does this make me a saffron clad Hindutva activist?

Kislay said...

@Vinod Sharma
Oops ! I missed that . :)
@Chrysalis
Babua, eh ? Good one . I saw that DU girls thingy on TV . I think it was NDTV or CNN IBM .:) And damn me , I forgot about Columbian beans , they are great as well . Even of the Gora factor is nothing but a cheap shot in the case of Rahul Gandhi , any self respecting Indian would know that India is obsessed with the Fair,the White and the Western .
@Freespirit
Harsh , yes . But as I said , it is a satire , right ? And he doesn' need a chance from me . :) And if you don't cheer for Italy the next WC , you will have to pay the saffron-tax , to be imposed on hardline Hindutva supporters , to be levied after the Bill is passed the coming session . ;)

Child Of Adam said...

Gujarat is smaller than UK (areawise), but larger than any of the four nations, constituting GB.

Ordinary Guy said...

This is wonderful dost!!!!!
can I tell you that only you could have written something like this!!!!!!
No one else!!!!

Kislay Gandhi might not quite do the trick as you dont have that gene........... :P

But dost, you know what, I agree with you on the points that you have raised........ :)

Awesome post!!!

manju said...

Great post, Kislay! You have quite a talent for these type of posts, though I enjoy your serious ones too.

Rahul Gandhi should not be blamed for thinking that he is the future PM. We Indians should be blamed for encouraging Dynasty rule!

hitchwriter said...

ok Abhi first you and even Vinodji...

so rahul is bearing the brunt aint he...


thanks to the IPL I have not been in touch with the news world and was thinking... why is Abhi so angry with Rahul.. he looks harmless to me... but one sick leave from office and 2 hours of news and now i see where you all are coming from... !!!

sheesh... people in India are obsessed with the Gandhi's !! sheesh... again ! wish I hadnt taken a sick leave and not watched.. !

indyeahforever said...

ROFL!!
Kislay like OG says only YOU could have written this :D

hilarious!and incisive
a biting humour not seen too often and one that hammers the point home!

BQC!!:D:D
moi thinks he Just might have topped that one :D

but seriously he actually said that?Gujarat is larger than UK?? :O

''lucky as Rahul''trust you to come up with that gem :D :D

ROFL@terrorism gone withing 15 minutes!!


in short Kislay one of your best posts..:D
sometimes humour is a way to get a point across..and you my friend have done it B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T-L-Y!!!!

PS:-LOL@Vinod Sir's orange comment :D

Kislay said...

@Child of Adam
Obviously man . BUT that is NOT what he said . He compared Gujarat and the UK , not Gujarat and any of UK's constituent nations . Otherwise , I wouldn't have mentioned it . The purpose of this post is satirical man , no hard feelings against Rahul Gandhi .

B Shantanu said...

Good one Kislay!

BK Chowla said...

Very well written.Well,it is not important..UK is bigger or Gujarat.What is important is;
Boss is never wrong and he is look at the rule which says and confirms Boss is always right(if you need your job)

indyeahforever said...

One more thing Kislay which I forgot to add in all that enthusiasm :)and which is darn important:)
Thank you for all the words:)
you are really special, hope you know that:))
just wanted to say this :)
coz your words of praise make me smile:)))

indyeahforever said...

Also its high time you shifted to Wordpress :P
laptop or not :P

ramblingsbybones said...

Man, you are funny...I think this is one your best posts...You know Kislay, I always thought you were serious but now I know you have a funny bone too! Cool...

Yes, I too want to know why you are not shifting to WP?

Kislay said...

@OG
Thank you dost . But that is what you think , in your moment of modesty . I think , you can write something even funnier than this . And true , I do not have "that" gene . How sad . :(
@Manju
Thank you . My talent is idiotic and goofy humour . :) Of course , we are to blame . Some of my friends ask me , "What have you against him?" , but I want to know "What do you have for him" ? Years ago , my uncle , just made a passing reference while discussing Rahul Gandhi , that he will be the PM one day . And he did not say this because he is a Gandhi or a Congress bhakt . It was more like a fact .
@Dhiren Bhai
Did you like the post , or did you think I was too critical and harsh ?
@BK Chowla and B Shantanu
Thank you . :)
@Indyeah
Thanks . Did you like the bit about guys-in-khakee-shorts-peddling-communal-dope ? I am glad some people liked it . And I know many are going to dismiss it as a right-wing-rhetoric , without even trying to get the gist of it . Your words mean a lot to me as well . I get sad , if you don't comment on my posts within a day of it being published . :) I praise you because you deserve every bit of it .

Wordpress will have to wait for a while .

Kislay said...

@Bones
Thank you . :) You thought I was the serious type ? You should see me jump around my flat , singing loudly and shaking my booty . :D I am serious at times , other wise , I am a joker .

About shifting to WP . I am too comfortable in blogger . And I have stripped away of laptop privileges . I am living my life on borrowed laptops and company desktops . :(

Winnie the poohi said...

*whistles and applause*

Kislay said...

@Winnie
*bows, red-faced, does a little jig, and bows again*

indianhomemaker said...

Why is everybody writing funny posts suddenly? Is it Rakesh's post on "Good humour is better than etc etc.' or is it the LOL Challenge?

This post reminded me BQC on radio. As kids we used to be glued to the radio on Sunday afternoons, testing our GK with Ameen Sayani (if I remember correctly... could have been someone else)..

Kislay said...

@IHM
Funny is in the air ! :) But you didn't comment on the post . :(

indyeahforever said...

Kislay the random thought on the right?
:D
awesome!

Kislay said...

@Indyeah
Hell Yeah . Did you see the ad ? Blew me away !

Anrosh said...

seriously..rahul cannot be the primeminister, only because india is not a kingdom.

Kislay said...

@Anrosh
He should become the PM for the right reasons , not because he bears the Gandhi tag .

Anrosh said...

kislay.. what are rahul gandhi's achievements after finishing school?

lets assume say tomorrow i come and say to the congress that i want to stand elections from a consitutency will i be given the same 'status quo' ? .

when hillary clinton stood for elections - in a country that would not have accepted her a few years ago, she broke million ceilings and i know that my 'imaginary' daughter can stand in the elections because she broke the ceiling - can we say that about india if an ordinary girl/boy wants to become the prime minister of india if the last name was not a gandhi or somebody who is not a buttkisser of the gandhi's ? indira gandhi becoming the primeminister of india was only known as the ubiquitous 'torturer of a million minds and murderer who stayed in the 2nd highest office of the largest demockratic country.

urs was a great title -- the case for pm -great for a commedy show.

Kislay said...

@Anrosh
Exactly . What has he done ? I seriously want to know . Nobody is willing .

mesoliloquy said...

Kislay, you cruel friend. I object to the entire name calling here. Noooo. How could you? :(((((

Did you forget Baba’s dimples? I am voting for him just for that reason. My Dimple Kumar/Khan. *blush*

60 + years of ruling ahem….how long will it take to POOF terrorism? I hope now Rahul baba has the reigns I am sure he will POOF it now.

While rest of the Congress workers were actually working, this baba was snorting yet now he is credited with the entire success.

Still nepotism you say? Naaaaaaaaah.

Kislay, now don’t ask me to change my screen name. I am an Italian Don. :( I love Olive oil too and Italian food. I don't wear Khakhi knickers.

mesoliloquy said...

Ha...ha...ha.. Kislay, You are getting sardonic by the day. Kudos! LOVED this post. Only you could have written it like this.

Like you and many others, I have no problem with Rahul Gandhi the person but I LOATHE nepotism.

Kislay said...

@Solilo
Glad that you liked it . And how come you are an Italian Don ? And you are NOT allowed to wear Khakhee shorts . That is only for the RSS !

destinationinfinity said...

Forget the Italian connection. I want the Queen back. I want to be ruled by the British again(I thought a satirical post could have a satirical comment) :-)

Destination Infinity
PS: If at all Indians had known what their MP's and MLA's have done or going to do after election, then democracy could have been successful here, dear!

Kislay said...

@DI
All hail the Queen . ;)

quirkyindian said...

What can I say, Kislay? (Wow, that rhymed!)

Brilliant. Right from the reasons why he should be PM (including the genetic and the ardh-gora ones)to what we can expect when he does take over......kyaa baat hain!

One of your best, my friend.

Cheers,

Quirky Indian

Kislay said...

@QI
Danke Herr Quirky :)

writerzblock said...

Kislay,
My first visit here, after reading your hilarious comment on Indy's blog. And this post beats all your other comments :-) Brilliant, incisive and funnY!!

hey, did you mention the great Italian pizza in Point-5? that would score some brownie points!!

And I do like Priyanka too! If an eternally-politically-correct Rahul Baba can be a Moon, then Charming Priyanka can surely be a rising Star?

Cheers..
Pal

Kislay said...

@Pallavi
Thank you . Welcome to Orange . :) Have some juice . :D

wordsndreamz said...

Kislay, I have come here so many times, but have somehow not been able to comment - got pulled away with other stuff.

This was a ROFL post! You are really really good with sarcasm :)
Loved the new phrase 'as lucky as Rahul' - How very apt? What better definition of 'lucky' than 'Rahul' who gets everything based on his surname?
And you've put it so aptly - 'The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ? '!!!
Yes, it does!
LOL at Little Italy and nanihaal :) You know what, all of us Indians should be given dual citizenships of Italy too - what do you say?
And I do hope that he implements his 15 minute solution to end terrorism! I do hope somebody rememebers that and asks him that at the end of these five years!

If Rahul why not Priyanka.. Going just by what each of them say - I would anytime prefer Priyanka.. she seems to have some substance in her.. Rahul, I suspect was told , by his momma to enter politics after they figured out that this is the only place he can succeed.. I just hope, for our country's sake that he is able to do some good.. coz whether we like it or not - he is sure set to be PM :(

Kislay said...

@Wordsndreamz

Thanks . I hope the same . Sarcasm aside , if he does not turn out to be good , then we lose . Cause right now , he is a juggernaut .