Super Blogger and hyper commentator (Is it the right word?), Ms. Awesome Indyeah wrote a kickass post on why she loves Rahul Gandhi. The super vella aadmi I am these days(Thank you Recession), I couldn't help but make some observations on that blog in the form of comments, which got me a few smileys and ROFLs. That inspired me to put them together, and some more in this post. So here it goes. Pardon me for those who have already read and laughed (hopefully) at my comments, some of the points are repeated here. My apologies if my zany humour offends your sense of humour .
(Rahul is in the air, ta ra rum pum, ta ra rum pum, Raaa-hoool is in the air !)
So , you think Rahul Gandhi should not be the PM , in the near future(2014), eh ?
1. First of all, get off that dope you are smoking, injecting or snorting. It is making you "communal”. Who sold it to you? A guy in khakee shorts? He said he was some kind of a volunteer? Hmmm. Disturbing. It’s getting saffron-er everyday. No wonder you are talking through you black topi, err, I mean hat. You are living in denial. Once you clear your brain of all the saffron cobwebs , you will start seeing day light. That is the first stage of acceptance.
2. Did you even know that geneticists have come up with a fit-to-be-the-PM-of-India gene, and the descendants of Nehru family have it? No kidding! I swear on INC. Apparently, there is a gene for everything. For believing in God, believing in your Nation, and may be, and this is a very wild guess, for being communal as well. On a side note, if the communal gene thingy does come out to be true, then all the sanghies plaguing the landscape of India need your help. The rabid, Hindutva-hailing, minority-haters will have to be cured of this virulent disease. We would have to install giant BBS's in every saffron infested corner of this country. What is a BBS? Dumbass! Claims to be secular and doesn't even know that. How would you know, you bloody MCP (Malevolent Communal Pig)? I will tell you about it in detail later, for the time being, know that it stands for Black Box of Secularism. Enough digressing! So, I dare you not to question why shouldn’t Rahul Andhi, bole to, Gandhi be the PM-in-waiting, just toe the line like everyone else.
3.Rahul baba is half-a-gora. That is half the reason why he should be the PM, the other half being the sur name. And I will tell you why . It is sad, that some of you ARE willing to let go of your colonial hang over. Absolutely pathetic, makes me want to weep. Did you forget the glorious days of our Gora sahibs? The ones who gave us trains, telephones, English, our nation and an inferiority complex. Do not speak of the millions who died during the process (The Bengal Famine). How dare you question the intention of such white, benevolent and magnanimous people, you brown bugger? They did even have to use any fairness cream for their complexion. *The moron gasps in awe* Goras rock, they kick ass! And DO NOT, under any circumstances, let go of that colonial hangover. For the Love of secularism and India, drink some more of that "white" wine. “White English” wine has been found to very beneficial to a brown sahib's health. If your communal-dope addled brain raises any objection, then try some other liquor, anything European will do. If you have anything Indian, it will taste nothing better than tharra (country made liquor); and God knows, that after your West-influenced education, you have no taste for it. Only pseudo-Hindutva-followers drink Indian-made, because the actual-Hindutva-followers do not drink at all. If the booze is not Western (preferably European), you will puke your guts out. So, in short, you just cannot let go of that hang over.Always be willing to acknowledge and accept the fact, that only a White can rule us, for they are way superior . It would be awesome if someone from England could come over, but Italy is not a bad option. May be France as well, we can ask Sarkozy after he retires. I propose a round robin algorithm, with all the European countries, and USA involved.What say you?
4.Terrorism will be done with in 15 minutes in his reign - “I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes," . Terrorism and terrorists , Gone . Poof . It will do the Vanishing Act . Houdini and P C Sarkar would be proud of him . And empower people ? I say we arm them all to the teeth . Get in touch with the NRA , and Kalashnikov-ize the country . That would solve a lot of problems . On a side note , if you remember the day when a crazy Korean killed his fellow students , the NRA had actually said that had every student on that campus been armed, somebody or the other would have shot him soon enough.
5.For his awesome General Knowledge – Gujarat is larger than UK*, said the great man . I do not know whether he implied area or population, or both . I think some one who can shoot out “facts” like these , for some one who has traveled nationally and internationally and is apparently very educated , it is a clear indication . If only BQC had started when he was younger !
6.This is what I hope we will get from his Columbian connection , Weed and Coke. That is marijuana and cocaine . It will surely make some urban voters very happy. Don't you get the connection? How can you, you dope. And I won’t tell you , find out on your own. After all, you were living on non-secular drugs; it will be a while before you realize the merits of brand Columbia. The World knows how good it is. Hollywood swears by it , even Bollywood, you can ask Fardeen if you don’t believe me. Did you even know that Pablo Escobar, the Columbian Drug Lord , was listed as the seventh richest man ? How would that be even possible if his product was not world class? May the good Lord grant this great man some peace. I am looking forward to the movie that is being made on him, so that he can inspire me, and after imbibing a few of his qualities, I may start my own business and never ever code again for a living.
The above are the reasons why he should be the PM. The following are the possible perks I could come up with, when the “Indiano-Italiano” ties are strengthened and given a new dimension by this gentleman.Pardon my loopiness. :)
1. Football. Yes you fool. Football. Italian coaches and players. Our third rate Indian team will get trained by, say someone like Marcello Lippi, and get a chance to play with the Italians in their leagues. They will have a shot in the International arena. I say this, as honestly as possible and as an upcoming football fan, if Rahul Gandhi promises to make this possible, I will vote for him once. And yes, in case the Indian team does not make it to the Top 32, we will be supporting Italy, business as usual(2006 WC France-Italy Final , Congress workers were rooting for apni Italy).
2. Free trips to Italy and other European countries - Why not? All Rahul Baba fans have a right to visit the country, where a part of his roots are from (nanihal). All Sonia Madam fans have the right to visit the place she is from (mayka). Wouldn't you as a fan, of any great soul, want to visit or explore the place that person was born at, raised in or frequented. So why should the fans of the current Gandhi family be denied the same? It would be an almost religious experience, and Ambika Soni can be the tour guide. And while you are in the neighborhood, have a dekko at the other European countries as well. After all, one must know where one's masters came and are coming from. Get a swig, straight from the flask, that hang over will last for a very long time.
3. An IIT and IIM in Italy - May be. Who knows? But it will be cool, huh? I hope the IIM thing happened soon. I am too poor to go abroad for an MBA. This can be the only shot the likes of me can have at getting a phoren education. Yes, I see the obvious flaw, the fly in this ointment, how will I ever make it to an IIM? I don't know, let me try . Will changing my name to Kislay Gandhi do the magic ?
4. God father 4, 5& 6 will be shot in India. An alternative scenario, where Vito Corleone immigrates to India instead of the US, where he fights and conquers the communal forces and establishes a secular yet criminal business empire. Just imagine, you can boast of this to your non-Indian friends, that the new "God-father trilogy was a shot in a India”, with hand motions and an acquired Italian accent(which could become a new fad and replace American). If you have seen Russell Peters, you will know what I am saying. You can also brag about the fact, that a filmmaker can envision a secular criminal empire , only in India. Yes sire . Bery bery sickular ( Try saying that with the Russell-Peters-Indian accent).
5.Cheaper Olives and Italian Food. For once my dream of going to expensive and exquisite Italian restaurants might come true. I mean, wouldn't spaghetti with meat-balls and pene pasta be more popular and cheaply available? I am pretty sure most Congress workers/members will change their diet. I picture myself, seated in Little Italy, savoring Pasta Paprika and sipping Rosso di Montalcino. And your cocktails and desi-italian recipes will never run out of Olives or Olive Oil. My dream of making Vodka Martinis (as James Bond drinks it in Casino Royale, also called a Vesper) the national beverage might just come true.
And last, but not the least by any measure , his name .
His first name is Rahul .Do any of you dimwitted dunderheads even know what Rahul means? My source , is Wikipedia .
a. Conqueror of all miseries, according to some Upanishad. You bet your saffron ass, he is. He will end our miseries by wiping out the Communal forces.Three cheers for Secularatva !
b. The later use of the word is attributed to the Buddha, who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. If Grade a Columbian Stuff does not get you nirvana, and helps you renounce this world , (temporarily), nothing else will. While I am not sure whether he would renounce the world, the new era ushered in by him will ensure that others will have a stab at it , provided the Columbian connection is not lost.
c. Rahul also means Moon, Able/efficient in Sanskrit. We all saw how efficient and able he is, the 21-seats-in-UP feat that he pulled off “entirely” on his own speaks for that. And isn't he cute as a moon? And before you jump to any conclusion, let me just tell you that I am still straight. I say that as a neutral and not neutered observer. The girls (not all of them) do go gaga over him.
His last name is Gandhi .Need I explain as to why is that important, you nincompoop numbskull? Seriously, the dope that those khakee shorts guys sold have fucked you up pretty bad! It is the most powerful name in this nation, quite possibly in the World. And the irony is that original bearer has no idea, how his name has been (mis)used and milked in this country. It happens only in India. By Gawd, something suddenly struck me ! If the scientific community (even the tiny one we have) was steeped in this very dynasticism, can you imagine what would have happened ? The family members of tthe Nobel Laureate Sir C. V. Raman banking on the fact the top job of IISc is theirs for the next few generations ! Did a shiver run down your spine ?
Rahul bhai, sure is one lucky guy. Good Education, good Looks, greatest possible name, soon will have a great job. I think we can start using the phrase "as lucky as Rahul”.
A possible repercussion of his becoming the PM - Thousands, may be lacs of kids, born after 2014 will be named either Rahul (firtsname) or Gandhi (lastname). I might name my male child on those lines, if a woman agrees to marry me in or before 2012. So, you won't be able to throw a brick without hitting a Rahul or a Gandhi. Get ready for it. What did you say? BJP? Why can't they come to power in 2014? You jackass, how the hell do you think that will happen? They will be almost wiped out by then, a ghost of their former saffron suffused self. *Brainwave* Unless, they rename their party. From BJP to, wait for it , and it is going to be legendary, the BGP. Ha! How is that? *Visible Halo around yours truly*. And I swear on everything that is holy and sacred to me , if you ask me what the G in BGP stands for , I will %@$#^@&%#&@&@ !!!!! If you still don't get it, then I think you need a red and burning mark on your cheek , in the shape of a hand . Jai Ho !
This is a satire, if somebody missed on that. I hate nepotism as many other people do, but I do not hate Rahul Gandhi, at least not now. I hate the fact that the helm of the affairs of this country will be handed out to him, way before he actually proves himself worthy of it. That does not mean that I won't support him if he does appear to me as the next Great Indian Leader. Most importantly, he does not need my support,permission or respect , I want him to accomplish things that will make me respect and support him , or any other person who aspires to be the Prime Minister of this country. To all the die-hard dynasty fans, and RG lovers, my apologies, if you were offended. Chicas of the Delhi University who apparently have an orgasm at the sight of RG , please don't curse me that I never have one ( I actually saw a female DU student scream a out loud and quite orgasmic "Rahul ! I love you! " ) . And read Mr. Vinod Sharma's analysis . He has taken into account his past and present actions and statements , which do not paint him in the same light as the very unbiased Media houses in our country are doing .
* Gujarat is smaller than the UK , both area and population wise .
Edited to add : I was wondering about Rahul baba , and I actually want some one to do an exclusive post on him , biographical in nature , and tell me what his achievements have been so far , and where did he go wrong . I want to know why do people think that he is a ray of hope , and good enough to don the PM's robes in the near future. Seriously , what has he done , and this is a question, not a sarcastic remark . And on the same note , if him then why not Priyanka ? Priyanka's interview