Die Hard , Bloggers !

Ladies and Gentle-Bloggers(in a booming voice) , I give you, a guest post by, Zivana ( said - Zeee vaa na !). She is not a blogger, but has quite a few things to say about us. So without much ado, scroll down, read the post and comment, for the love of the BLOD (BLogging-gOD – is it too cheesy? ) .

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I spilled soda on my table. As I started to worry about the sticky mess and then fret over how I would I clean it and further worry that I may not have that super duper cleaning liquid that instantly washes away the stain, keeping it “So clean that you can eat off the floor! Look, no germs! I don’t see those black little buggers scurrying about on the floor, crawling all over”. By the by, who has a hospital floor at home? (Remember Lizol?) I mean that spotless white, cold floor doesn’t exactly say home sweet home, if you know what I mean.

To come back to my spilt soda, I was then reminded of how many friends have kept warning me not to succumb to my OCD. I am compulsive because it gives me control over a few things in my life. However, it is stuff like this that controls me.

The sarcasm I want to dole out to blogging:

That topic suddenly got boring, so I want to switch to something more interesting. Should I blog? Not sure really. I have always detested blogging. Stupid people from the middle class who think it’s a great talent to waste server capacity dumping their tonnes of crappy opinions on just about anything and everything, from the color of their coffee spoiling their day to feminism and why a certain Mr. I_am_a_whipped_PM has got what it takes to run a country that, well, half the population gives a crap about. And these bloggers come under that section. Not all, but I’m sure, quite a few. Then enthusiastic bloggers (read: idle mind is the blogger’s workshop) go over the stuff, dish out their opinions and again, waste space on the internet. And then, they congratulate one and other on being the real enlightened Buddhas of India and hope one day, that all will spare more time to listen to their ranting and raving. Oh puhleeeeez!! So lame.

Why, oh why do you talk? Barring a few bloggers, who have actually taken their blog to the next level and put it to use, the rest are simply content with their 15 microseconds of internet fame. In this sense, I can call it a rat race of restricted rats; the rats who think they’re not rats.

One look at the average blogger’s page will tell you just how much the human mind can trick its unfortunate owner into thinking how much self importance one can build around oneself. Let’s take a tour, shall we? On the top, you have the title. Nice and catchy. This blog is all about expressing yourself, but let’s face it, we care how others view us, don’t we? Please make way for all the impressive awards people! Now, these are given out ( generously) by other fellow bloggers in recognition of their comrade’s talent, or maybe because their frequencies match, or because its free and they need to feel good about themselves from time to time. Aww, you guys!

One must never forget the power of hyperlinks. You find them jammed into the columns along with the other long, winding text and you wonder why you are even trying to make sense of it. It’s like an obstacle course for your eyes and a marathon for your brain. Perhaps its because of the colours and sizes. Sprint past the black text, jump over the big white link, then again slide again, dropping down to the next paragraph, where, if you were stupid enough to get lost in that wormhole of a link, it will be some eons before you can find your way back.

Some people think it’s cool to dish out fancy words when they give an opinion. Others choose to kiss ass the blogger, saying “oh my, you took the words right out of my mouth!” And then, to themselves “Wow I actually have the same mindset as this guy who’s got 100+ comments so far. So then, they’ll come and read mine too! Yippee! I shall be the next King BIG_BLOG_UGA_UGA.” What a load of humbug and hogwash!

Stunned ? Shocked ? Aghast , as to how can some what hate benign blogging ? Hurt ? Embarrassed ? Introspective , trying to figure the reason why you started blogging , and the reason why you do it now ? Agitated ? Indignated ? Pursed-lips-frowny-face-condescending-look-ated ? Furious ? Murderous ? Picturing yourself , shooting or stabbing Poor Zivana ? Suicidal ? I hope not ! Hold your horses , it ain't over yet !

The good things about blogging:

Ok, so I haven’t been fair about the little guys. So I will scratch the thingy that is my brain and come up with something good on the bloggers. Why, in spite of all that is mentioned above, they are still good for society ( I choose to say society and not India because that ain’t gonna happen anytime in the next century).

As I have said, most of these people are from the middle class, which is the backbone of the country. These are the most progressive thinking section in any country. Their success and school of thought is crucial to push forward the nation . When you see opinions like theirs made public for anyone in the world to see, you get a glimpse of what the future looks like for India.

Blogging is a creative outlet, where you can totally conceal your identity and bare your soul at the same time. Thank God for technology! What I’m saying is, it is a vent. You can give vent to your bottled up emotions that have crushed and melted inside like the onion broth in my pressure cooker. You hold it in for as long as you can. Then the pressure starts to build up. And oops, there it goes, you have unleashed the torrents of demons in you. Jesus would be proud indeed.

Better (and healthier ) than that is to blog. You are put in touch with millions of other lost souls, searching for meaning just like you. Then there are people who just want to be listened to. And believe it or not, people do listen J Yup, you’d be amazed at just how many people can give two hoots to their monotonous lives and read about something in your life. You’d be further surprised at how many more will reach out to you. “Dude, I so totally know how you feel. I’m so worried that because of everybody’s bad karma, we will be obliterated and I’ll be reincarnated into a spider with a giant brain and hairy legs.” (hairier than my own L).

“ Oh honey, I’ve been there. I remember this guy I used to have the hots for in high school and he wouldn’t go out with me because I had tiny tits! Boo hoo.”

“I wanted to commit suicide because I was so fat. I broke the swings. I got stuck halfway on the slides. Each day I got depressed, I just ate. When I hit rock bottom, I wanted to eat my dog. I am with you. Hang in there, girl.”

Or you can even talk about issues that affect a nation as a whole, which is what one of my friends does. He talks about feminism, patriotism, incumbent governments, the right wing, the left wing , all kinds of wings, relationship with the U.S, threat from China, how we need to beat the crap out of Pakistan, corruption, criticizing certain politicians because they aren’t fully Indian, dynasticism, philosophy, discussing his quirks, the beauty and hope for humanity, while degrading it at the same time.

I can go on and on but instead of boring myself, I will say, “Get the drift?”

Just post your thoughts up there and wait and pray. Then, a marvelous phenomenon I’d like to call the Oh_blogger_where_art_thou effect, happens. Across the globe, they come. From far off servers, they come, first in small groups, then larger and larger until its like fireflies hovering around a tree, or bees to nectar or drug addicts to drugs or simply, fellow brethren/sistren ( ha ha) to thy fellow Blog soul in need.

(The number of bloggers frolicking in your blog-o-yard is directly proportional to the popularity and fame(or infamy) of your blog )

(By the way , does anyone feel that the gender of English is male? Here’s an example. Sistren was used in the middle ages, but fell out of use. Personally, I always thought Spanish had a feminine quality to it. )



The next phenomenon involves the generation of intense energy and emotion, exceeding millions of joules that transcends human mind, body, boundary and shoots up to the cosmos. You see Physics and Chemistry at its very best. It touches every blogger who has come into contact with your post. It infects everyone like a putrid fever and for the few seconds that this happens, comments after comments are generated.

And finally, to fulfill Newton’s third law, oh and let’s include Bohr, or he’ll feel left out: Everyone is fully discharged and returns back to ground state, retreating into the shadows, just as strangely as they had come. You think to yourself, “ Was this all a dream?” . But no it isn’t. For lo and behold, they have left behind comments for you, which you are expected to love and cherish like the Ten commandments. The only proof that there is life out there in World Wide Web! Now don’t you agree with me on the mystical and nonsensical power of Blogging?

All crap aside and on a more serious note: I read once that a young girl, who was sexually abused by her father for more than 7 years, finally got the courage to get help and get that perverted bastard of a father arrested. Where did she get it from? She kept a blog page, and it was one of her followers who told her that she should talk to the police. She acknowledges that this was the only thing that prevented her from committing suicide.

So what can we conclude from this? Blogging is good. If you have a great idea, share it. You never know who else out there has it too. If you need help, confide in that anonymous friend. You might be given a new life. If you think you’re cool, please blog. You might end up feeling like you need a new personality. If you disagree with the government, do blog. You will be arrested and charged with being a left or right winger. Then all the news channels reach out to you and SPLAT!! You are on every front page and every T.V screen. People will hold candle light marches for you. They will make T shirts and cards and friendship bands in your name. While these card corporations profit, one of the media people will let it slip that you don’t like the government. After some time, when dust settles on everything, you will be released and people will have erased you from their minds.

Still indifferent ? Happy ? Elated ? Ecstatic ? Socially Elevated ( Cause you are back to being cool , an educated blogger )? Just-touched-head-to-check-for-a-halo-ated ? Levitated ? Still-not-ready-to-come-back-to-Earth-ated ? :D Maga , Chill Madi . And back to Zivana :)

But that’s not the moral. The moral is: Why the heck are you listening to me? Follow your heart. Do what you want. I’m just writing for my own joy J

Credits: This is the result of a fever and mood swings and an unsatisfied wish to pick a fight.