Saturday, March 13, 2010

Kislay Calling Kislay

Hi Kislay ,

This is Kislay . You might think 0f it as weird , that Kislay is calling you . And why ? Because aren't you Kislay ? So who the hell is this other Kislay . Well , you know what Quantum Mechanics says , that The Universe is one GOOGLE-ish number of possibilities , and I am one just one of them . To simplify things , you may assume that you chanced upon a futuristic time capsule . Anyways , here is the story .

If you continue doing what you are doing right now , then in some time you are going to end up in a Big Reality TV Show . You know , where in order to achieve the Honour of being the 'Hapest Aind Hapining' , you will have to make 3 pairs of shoes of crocodile leather by hunting 7 ferocious crocodiles , win over Laetitia Casta and Monica Bellucci as well , become the President of your dumb ass Housing Society , Do an Item Number with 6 pack FLABS , Act in a Saas Bahu soap for 7 days ( more than that would critically devastate your psyche , 1 month would wipe the very trace of an alert and aware Consciousness from you , Beware ) , And yes , the one of the prime importance , swear as much as you can , that your words are basically construed as one incoherent string of bleeps and bloops . Kind of like , Bleep bleep is such a bleeping bleepy bleep , by Bleep ! Bleep ! Bleep ! :D

And by the way , you will also change your fairness cream . For nowadays , the World and their husbands including grand parents and children , they all bleeping bleep use , the Plasma of Life . This is not your ordinary , two bit , mutation inducing cream , that will alter your genes to become a Melanine free cancer prone version of a Caucasian in just 93.62 bleeping hours ( Not that all Caucasians are cancer prone ) , but it is one which even God uses while he goes tanning( Essentially proving that God is white , ergo he needs a fashionable tan :P ) . It is a God Tanned Cream ! More about it later .

And yes, you will also start dressing like an English Man . For Bhura Indian Research Institute has just declared , breaking news style , that for the diverse Indian weather , the only one complete range of suitable apparel for it is what the English wear ( Technically , any white person would do ) . So get your homburg and tweed and Italian hand crafted shoes ready chappie , jaldi karo .

And one very very important thing . Now you are no longer single . Well , actually you our are not even a couple dude , or a triple , or any number in the vicinity , for your life changed . You are the proud Master of some 7272 women . And all of that happened when you started using Axe , wearing Armani , applying Fair and Handsome , brushing your teeth using Close Up , painting your house with Asian Paint , wearing Macro Man's , using Naughty Rabbit shaving foam, and finally , when you built your home using a bleeping HDFC home loan , with, JK Cement . This became possible through the boundless efforts of Biologists and Statisticians , who conclusively proved that Men think the best , when their blood is somewhere else , which inspired diabolically Genius Marketing Executives to come with all these awe inspiring sex life changing products ( in some cases , they alter sexual preferences ) . Therefore , all men now have not even an iota of any inhibition , run after beautiful women/men all the time . Ah , Finally simpler times . :) My Male Chest is Puffed , with pride . :)

So you understand Kislay , that if you continue to be the over thinking over analysing , as Tool says , and a fool of the first water , as Wodehouse very nicely puts , the future holds all these nice things for you . And listen you nincompoop . I can't get to you if you don't use Vodafone , I don't trust the others . And if possible , use a mid-to-high end Nokia set with 3 G and Wire Less capability . It puts a lot less strain on me , considering that I am a kind of an astral being mate . So take a chill pill , ok ?

And one very important last thing . Sorry for dragging it on yaar . You absolutely must give up Mik and Milk Products , and live soley on Diet Soda and TGIF Cocktails . All that paneer, milk , cheese , curd and shakes your fat behind and rotund tummy feasted on has made me Lactose Intolerant . It is against the law now to break wind , neither in public , nor in private , thanks to exceptional sociological and sociopathic brilliance of the Indian Moral Police Force . Seriously , Kislay , you need to get a grip on just this one tiny little problem of yours . The rest is a smooth sail . And btw , don't squeal it to your room mate .

So do as I say . I will be calling regularly to check on you . Pay your bleep-damned bleeping bills on time .

Cheerio

Kislay ( v4.22+e26FF )

17 comments:

Winnie the poohi said...

ha ha ha ha!! U r just awesome!!

Kislay said...

@Winnie - First comment in 3 days . That doesn't say much about my awesomeness . :D But thanks . :)

indianhomemaker said...

LOL Kislay this was really funny :) God has to be white if 'he' is using a fairness cream, and I am sure he is male too ;)

Don't worry about comments Kislay - everybody in the blogosphere is either on a blog-break or slow-blogging-break. I think this indicates that recession is finally over :) :)

Hope to see you update your blog more often now!

Kislay said...

@IHM :D I did not mean it that way . I guess this post was not that good , that is why the few responses . Thanks for responding though . :)

Winnie the poohi said...

Not at all! This post is awesome!!!!. You are one of the choicest few in whose blog I have commented in quite a long time :)

Winnie the poohi said...

Not at all! This post is awesome!!!!. You are one of the choicest few in whose blog I have commented in quite a long time :)

香蕉哥哥 said...

very popular to u! ........................................

Indyeah said...

AWESOME As Winnie says!
coz you see the thoughts that churn in your head ....I could never even think of things the way you do...

LOL@ the saas bahu saga!yeah they are life threatening :D

you take hilarious to a new level:)

oh!and I like the hapest and hapining:D

Kislay said...

@Winnie

Thanks again .

@Indy

Thanks . I bet my thoughts would be of a lot of interest to a loony Doctor . :D

Indyeah said...

Oye!doctor and what not! You coming back?
Get well soon and come back with some new posts.
It eez an order.:P

仲亨仲亨 said...

先告訴自己希望成為什麼樣的人,然後一步一步實踐必要的步驟。........................................

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淑純yajairac_tai0731 said...

I do like ur article~!!! ........................................

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bleep me soon.good one brother!

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茂恒 said...

先將一個人的生活過好,才有能力過好兩個人的生活..............................

writerzblock said...

ROFL! That was awesome... Axe effect.. and lactose intolerant.. LOL!! Good take on KcK, and on cultural trends in general :-)