Kidnap-ped !

Without getting into the details of how and why did I, a relatively sane and a fastidious movie buff, became a part of the initiative taken by my friends to watch one the latest run-of-the-mill flicks in a theatre considerably far from my place, I would like to pen down the heart wrenching agony I experienced, courtesy, Sanjay Gadhvi’s (of the Dhoom and Dhoom II fame) Kidnap. Life has a habit of kicking you once every now and then, just to teach you a lesson. I could have watched a movie like Mumbai Meri Jaan or Welcome to Sajjanpur, but fate had other plans for me. The lesson learnt here that I shouldn’t make fun of those people who flock to the multiplexes/theatres to watch crap like Kidnap. Earlier, on being asked whether I had seen the latest-shitty-movie or not, I used to snort snobbishly, and reply in the negative, ending with the note that I did not associate myself with the foolish multitude that spends their time and energy on such tripe. Now, my reputation is ruined, my spotless track record stained.

Coming back to the movie, the first thing that struck me was the amount of cleavage that one was exposed to. I am a male, a red-blooded and a heterosexual one, but I did not go to there to ogle at the bosom of the female characters. More importantly, it was not a prerequisite for the realization of the plot. The movie starts with the “18 year old” character played by Minisha Lamba, dancing to the tune of an insanely stupid song, in various outfits, the central theme being the accentuation of her bosom. Then you get to meet her “mother”, and even in the moment of great distress, with her daughter being “kidnapped”, her visible cleavage never disappears. There is also an item number in the movie. Need I say more?

This movie will put many real-life kidnappers to shame. I say this because an actual kidnapper would take a much more professional approach, when quite obviously, he is committing such a serious offence. Imran Khan, the reel-life kidnapper takes a much more casual approach. His acting was positively atrocious; he tries to play the part with a psychotic touch, but couldn’t really pull it off. His character let the kidnapee roam around freely; he took her to the beach when she beseeched him for a bath. There are a couple of stupid songs embedded in as well. The whole thing gave the impression that they were a couple living together whose relationship was going sour. Every now and then, the kidnapee is seen prancing around the kidnapper’s lair in some brand new hot outfit. And how tech savvy the kidnapper was! He steals $20 million from the kidnapee’s insanely rich father, as easily as one could download an mp3. He knew how long it takes to trace a call, and used that to his advantage. What the makers of this great movie forgot to take into consideration was that to pin-point the location of the caller may take some 3 minutes, but anything less than that does get a rough estimate of the where the call is coming from. Of course, they don’t expect the junta to question these things. So, every time the super-smart-tech savvy-pseudo psycho kidnapper ended the call just before 3 minutes, the corporate super sleuth was left completely clueless. There is also a parkour action sequence, which is so poorly done that it looks like a slow-motion and downgraded version of the actual sport. And the dialogues are so corny; they made me wince more often than not. Even as I am writing this to unwind, certain scenes from the movie flash back and I shudder, such a traumatic experience it was.

I have a lot more to say, but I can’t go on. Re-visualizing the movie is excruciating, and without much more ado I would just like to say that it was one of the worst cinematic experiences of my life. I would like to meet the person from ToI, who very generously awarded 3 stars to the movie. I would like to know why an established actor like Sanjay Dutt would care to be a part of such an atrocity. I am positive, that I would have died of shame if I had been even remotely associated with this silver screen scourge. But then, that is the power of money. I hope time, the great healer works its magic, but there will be scars!